Tina! Come Get Some Ham!

18 Facts You Never Wanted To Know About Llamas

1. Members of the camel (camelid) family.

2. Twinning is rare. (How can something like this be duplicated?! Let's just say God made this decision for a purpose.)

3. Average weight is 250 - 400 lbs. (As an individual who has "lifted" this woman on several occasions, I can say this is so not true. But funny nonetheless)

4. Average birth weight is 18-35 lbs (Wow, Daisy Duke! That must have been one helluva birthing process!)
5. Babies are weaned at about 5-6 months. (I'll divert this one to Grand Puba who is still working on the "weaning" of his young llama after 23 years. How's that goin' for ya?)

6. Wool ranges from white to black, with shades of gray, beige, brown, red and roan between. It may be solid, spotted or marked in an array of patterns. (With the amount of allergies this one has, the description of spotted wool seems most appropriate.)
7. North American owners will find them remarkably hardy, healthy, easy to care for and virtually disease-free. (Two words.....Yeah. Right.)

8. They are environmentally sensitive. (Direct Quote: "Mom.....I will never live in a small town. There is nothing to do there." Environmentally sensitive? Yes.)
9. A conditioned llama can carry approximately 25% to 30% of its body weight, making a llama as strong, if not stronger, than a horse. (I totally believe this to be true.)
10. Great working partners and family pets. (Her family even allows pets to be in family pictures. They treat her like one of their own....how sweet!)

11. They have predictable, calm responses to new situations. (NOT true. Period)
12. Their intelligent, gentle nature allows even small children to interact with them. (Gentle? yes. Intelligent? questionable. TRIVIA - What does a conductor say before leaving the station? Answer: NOT "On Aboard!")

13. They have discrete bathroom habits. Their pelleted droppings, similar to a deer, are virtually odorless and are generally deposited in the communal dung pile. (Crapping with the door open is NOT discrete. Taking photos of your own feces and texting them to your brother-in-law is NOT discrete. As a former roommate, virtually odorless is not the term I would use. Wikipedia lies.)
14. They chew their cud like cattle and sheep. (That's more like it!)
15. These highly social animals need the companionship of their species. (Absolutely true!)

16. Their calm nature and common sense make them easy for anyone, even children, to handle. (Translated as "they have the same common sense as children")
17. They communicate with a series of ear, body and tail postures.

18. AND THE MOST TRUE OF THEM ALL...............Spitting is the llamas way of saying "Bug Off!" - most commonly to establish pecking order at mealtime.

And somehow,

even verifying most of the above information to be true,

we still love this adorable little llama.

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, LLAMA!

Wishing you a spit-free, pellet-dropping, cud-chewing birthday!

P.S. I am happy to announce that after numerous (absolutely zero) responses to the personal ad, some fool considers this lady dateable. We truly wish her soon-to-be nicknamed beau the best of luck! I'm not so sure he knows what he's getting himself into. One hint: Keep the fridge stocked with ham.

Is It Too Late to Switch My Primary Language to Spanish?

Pending the official announcment at the end of the month.........

The following have all been added to the Oxford English Dictionary:

• OMG 

(We are promoting the idea that future generations of the American population might actually communicate via abbreviations)

• LOL

(What happened to the crazy notion of actually just laughing out loud?! We now have to narrate our actions using digital technology.)

• ♥

(Dear writers of the Oxford English Dictionary: This is not even a word. It contains no letters of the alphabet. No wonder those crazy Mexicans can't learn English)

Good News! Muffin top and wassup will also be added making my use of these words in conversation less ridiculous and 25% more cool.

"Wassup, Officer Bob! Do these pants make my muffin top look big?" LOL

Better Sit Down.......I'm Gonna Be Serious For Once

Dear Family, Friends, and creepy stalkers who frequent this blog,

Let me start by stating I am NOT a runner. Those of you who know me can attest to this statement.  I have never claimed to be a runner, and after the events of this upcoming year I will probably STILL hold true to this claim. However, I started a personal journey almost 12 months ago in an effort to lose weight. I was no longer happy with the person I saw in the mirror, and I devoted my days to making a change for myself. I have seen small glimmers of success in my goals, but please know that this is a powerful long-term journey for me. During this transition of hope in my own life, I took to running as both a method of weight loss and stress relief. As a result, I have set new goals for myself in an effort to also offer a transition of hope for others.

On October 9th, 2011 I will be joining over 40,000 other competitors in running 26.2 miles along the streets of Chicago as a participant in the Chicago Marathon. Just saying the word marathon causes my heart rate to rise, my muscles to quiver, and my boyfriend to turn in the other direction. In case you were wondering......yes I have reconsidered this decision many times since clicking the "register" button over a month ago.  However, I have chosen to run not for myself, but for a cause very personal and dear to my heart. I will be running in an effort to raise funds for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Those of you who know me understand that the topics of depression and suicide aren’t the easiest for me to discuss. My father has battled with depression for the majority of his life. I do not now and will never be able to understand the complexity of this dreadful disease. I can only admit that I have been a firsthand witness to the effect it has had on a once happy and loving husband and father. I am thankful for every day spent with him during my childhood. A man who was once known for his sense of humor and involvement with his children is now struggling every day to find a reason to smile. I hate this disease, and I hate what it has done to one of the most important men in my life. Depression gets in the way of everyday functioning, causes unbearable pain, and steals his energy and motivation. I know that my father will always be proud of the person I have become, and I am truly thankful that he has been able to witness all of my personal successes and failures. I thank God everyday that my father's story is unique in that he has survived attempts to end his own life. Other individuals have not been so lucky. Approximately ten years ago, my mother lost her only brother to suicide. With this choice, my uncle left behind two loving parents, his only sister, and three young daughters to mourn his loss. I can't begin to imagine the state of mind and the sadness one must feel to knowingly make this decision. My uncle would have turned fifty years old this year, and it is my goal to assist others in finding a way to see their own life milestones.

According to the AFSP, more than 33,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year. It is this country's 11th leading cause of death. Suicide is a much more involved phenomenon than just a response to a single event or set of circumstances. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is at the forefront of research, education and prevention initiatives designed to reduce loss of life from suicide. With more than 33,000 lives lost each year in the U.S. and over one million worldwide, the importance of AFSP's mission has never been greater, nor our efforts more urgent.

The AFSP also works toward increasing national awareness about depression and suicide and assists survivors of suicide loss. If you have lost a friend or loved one as a result of suicide or know someone currently suffering from depression, I would like to send my greatest condolences. My heart hurts with yours. If you have not, I pray that you never have to experience this loss. During my 26.2 mile run, I would like to send the message that I am not only running for myself, but in hope for change for my father and in remembrance of my uncle. If this disease or this choice has made a personal impact in your life, I would like to extend that message to include friends and loved ones of those close to you. If you would like to donate in someone's name, please let me know, and I will be sure to include his/her name on my shirt to notify others of this powerful message.

Now for the fun part.........I am asking you to consider supporting my participation and efforts. Donations may be made online by visiting my personal fundraising webpage and clicking on the "Support Me" button. You may also e-mail me at bigbocabob@hotmail.com if you would like to send a donation via snail mail.  I would like to raise over $500 to assist the AFSP in their continuing efforts surrounding this cause. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP and all donations are 100% tax deductible (I threw that part in for you, Titty Baby!).  Also....don't forget to tell your friends! For more information about the AFSP, please visit their website at www.afsp.org. Thank you in advance for your help in my journey.

Sending love and a smile,
Big Boca Bob

Pictures like this make me happy.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

This one time.

Over my lunch break.

I was out running errands.

When I walked into this salon.
(which I really wish I could tell you the name of because it would make this story so much more funny, but I won't because I don't believe in publicly desecrating a small town business in today's society)

And asked them to lop off 11 inches of my hair.
 _______________________________________________

In the words of Julia Roberts........

"You people work on commission, right?"
"Big mistake!"
"Big!"
"Huge!"
_______________________________________________

** NOTE: Photos will NOT be posted for the next 6 months.

Quotes from Officer Bob via telephone when I called to tell him the news:

1. "Why would you do something so ridiculous!"
2. "You didn't learn from the last time you did this? - ridiculous!"
3. "I bet you look ridiculous"
4. "When I see you, I'm gonna tell you it's ridiculous"

I'm 99.9% sure that he has confused the word ridiculous with amazing.
Little known fact - very common mistake.

This is the second time that I've donated to Locks of Love in my short life time.
And though I may look ridiculous, I hope someone else is given the chance to see that they do not.

Who Doesn't Love a Good Charlie Sheen Reference?

This past weekend, on top of spending quality time with the family, I had the luxury of watching Dancing Queen do what she does best.

Dance.

In fact I watched people dance for 9 hours. Yes I said 9.
World's longest dance-a-thon.

However, being the supportive sister that I am I pretended to enjoy every minute of it. Ok......I really did enjoy most minutes. Especially those minutes when Dancing Queen took center stage. She makes me so proud. But those minutes when the dancers performed what they call "lyrical" translated as "dancing with a face of constipation" were a struggle.

I introduce you to the 4th place team in the state of Illinois.  Excuse the "Oh No" exclamation from the videographer about 30 seconds into the routine. Even I know that dropping a pom is comparable to murder in the dance world. The girls were able to recover well. PHEW!

(Dancing Queen would be the solo gal in the front. She's totally cooler than me.)

I would like to note that Dancing Queen (along with two other girls on the squad) received a Rising Star award. She is truly a jazz-dancin', hip hoppin' Supah-Stah.

I would also like to note that if there was an award for best facials, this girl would win hands down. She puts dignity on hold in order to create facial expressions that no judge could forget.

In true Supah-Stah style, Dancing Queen celebrates victory with a "Supermodel Documentary Hour!" (If you do not get this movie/SNL reference, I apologize. But we think it's funny. Sorry.)  Having been gifted the modeling eye of Tyra, trust me when I say that this girl's got skillz.

I, however, am still a supermodel in training. Perfecting this beauty is not easy.

Following the dance performances, the family continued the theme at the hotel. It has been mentioned before that El Aguila and I are quite competitive. In EVERY aspect of life. Dancing Queen had already proven her dance abilities, and now it was a battle of the siblings. We chose a very important characteristic of dance. Flexibility. I honestly think it is completely normal for siblings in their 20's to attempt feats of flexibility on a Saturday night in a Ramada hotel room while wearing pajamas and cowboy boots. Then again....I also think Gnomio and Juliet is a completely normal portrayal of Shakespeare. To each his own, I suppose.

They say that pictures are worth 1000 words.

The following pictures only say one word.

WINNER!

Once again being the supportive sister that I am, I attempted to assist El Aguila in mastering the flexibility task.

Failure.
Sorry dude......keep working on it.

Turns out both Dancing Queen and Big Boca Bob actually have something in common with Charlie Sheen - WINNING!

Just Call Me Rocky

Run! Run!
As Fast As You Can!
I'm absolutely, positively, 100% sure you are going to catch me
Because I am NOT the gingerbread man.

I am more of a chocolate donut man.
Round, dark, and slow-rolling.

I hit a wall today.
Around mile 4.
Not a literal wall (thank goodness)
But a figurative wall.
I find that I am subject to self sabotage.
I am slow.
Ok.....not just slow.
But SSSSSSSLLLLLLLOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

El Aguila is a distance runner who swears by the runner's high.
Let me tell you.....I JUST DON'T GET IT!
So far my training has tested my endurance with an eight mile run.
It wasn't as horrific as anticipated.
However, I felt no runner's high.
Chest pain, shortness of breath, muscle fatigue.
Yes. I felt all those.
Runner's high? What does that even mean?

I will note that I am NOT discouraged.
I am simply baffled.
El Aguila lies.
I vow to trudge on.
I vow to continue to annoy Officer Bob with complaints about training.

I also vow to never eat biscuits and gravy on the morning of a long run day.  If you happen to be driving down the highway approximately 2.73 miles north of Casa de Bob, I apologize for the disgusting pile of regurgitated breakfast on the side of the road.  No joke. How am I supposed to practice my sexy, Baywatch run with chunks of biscuit stuck to my chin? Gross.

"Gunther Gab": Week 10 Update

So I have taken it upon myself to give Mama-To-Be CareBear weekly updates on the status of her unborn child, Gunther. Papa-to-Be Titty Baby is less than amused with my descriptions of childbirth involving words such as "fecal matter" and "taint." However, I find enjoyment in watching him cringe and gag in disgust. It doesn't take much to make me smile - just the discomfort of Officer Bob's brother-in-law.  CareBear's pregnancy has been quite educational for me as I have become interested in researching the stages of pregnancy and all of the awkward scenarios through which a fetus is required to mature. (Babies have tails?!! WHAT?!)

Baby Gunther is officially ten weeks old as of yesterday, and I would like to report that according to CareBear he/she is maturing according to planned. However he/she is currently causing CareBear to feel a little under the weather due to migraines and nausea. Please send happy thoughts her way!

I would now like to introduce a new segment entitled "Gunther Gab"

Week 10 Update

“Plum”

At this point of in CareBear's pregnancy, the crown-to-rump length of Gunther is 1.25 to 1.68 inches. It is now easier to tell how much the baby weighs since he/she is beginning to put on some weight. (just like Daddy) 

Gunther weighs approximately 5 grams and is the size of a plum!

This week is somewhat of a landmark for Gunther. By now, his/her complete body plan is laid down. Gunther will continue to develop and grow for the remainder of the pregnancy. The fingers and toes have separated and the tail has disappeared now (see....I told ya!). Gunther has taste and tooth buds at this point which will continue to develop. The brain will continue to grow at an amazing rate and nearly a quarter of a million new neurons are produced every minute!

The embryonic heart is completely developed.

I hope you have found today's episode of "Gunther Gab" very educational. It has been brought to you by the letter 4. Please stay tuned for future editions.

True Life: My Dog Needs Valium

Ever had those night terrors when you imagine your bed is an evil zombie plotting to kill you so you take it upon yourself to drag it around the house and shred it to pieces leaving nothing but a dead pillowcase carcass?

NO?

Oh.......I guess that's just Reggie then.

Guess that's what I get for letting him watch

Night of the Living Dead right before bed.

Good thing I can practice motherhood with adopted dogs rather than human children.
Life is all about trial and error right?
CareBear and Titty Baby should refrain from allowing Gunther to have sleepovers at Uncle Officer Bob's house for at least the first 8-10 years of his/her life.

Until I can get a prescription for puppy Xanax, I'll guess I'll stick with giving Reggie a shot of vodka with his bedtime story. Always worked for me!

Qualifications of a Great Amiga!

Someone who lives hundreds of miles away,
but still makes arrangements to ring in the New Year with you.

Someone who wakes up before the rooster to watch the sun rise with you.

Someone who makes you realize that as awful as a Central Illinois winter may
seem, residents of South Dakota have it worse.

 
Someone who stays awake long enough to catch the limo home. HOLLA!

 
Someone who will embarass themselves on the dance floor even more than you.

 
Someone who will allow you to share your cultural customs with her.

 
Someone who is not afraid to reject your public displays of affection.

 
Someone who has identical taste in hair styles.

 
Someone who will discuss world politics with you
when you're dressed like a "blooming" idiot (get it?).

 
Someone who truly understands the meaning of giving you a shoulder to cry on, giving you the freedom to be yourself, giving you wings when yours are broken, giving you love when it is nowhere to be found, and giving you a margarita (or 2 or 3 or 4) to ease your mind and make you smile.


Feliz Cumpleanos, Aleesha!

Here's to officially being closer to 30 than 20.
Yikes!
You're Old!
Oh sorry....did I say that out loud?

Be Honest....Is It The Lips?

Mother of a friend:  "Cute picture! But I didn't know you were friends with any black girls."

Friend:  "She prefers to be called African-American, Mom!



Dear Dancing Queen,

Please start tanning so in future pictures we look similar in complexion sparing my friends from having awkward conversations with their parents! Thanks in advance!

Your Loving Sister,

Big Boca Bob

Never Bet A Titty Baby

Question of the Day..........

How many are in a Baker's dozen?

Tip of the Day.........

Don't bet Titty Baby on the answer.


The llama lost.

(NOTE: You may want to turn down the sound before pressing play. The scream of a llama can cause partial deafness.)

For those of you wondering.......

The llama guessed 12.

Yes.

She molds the minds of America's children.

It's days like this that I'm proud to be a Mexican.

(Next week's lesson? A two word spelling test. Flower and flour.)

Possible Explanation For Why Dogs Attack Me When I'm Running

If you see this image of a girl standing in the street outside your home, I am either

A. Preparing to land a 747 in your driveway

OR

B. Just out for my late night jog

Let me explain.......I hate the sound of my own breathing. Especially around mile 4 when it becomes ridiculously annoyingly loud. It makes me feel like I am dying a slow death. Therefore, I chose to purchase the very unsafe-for-street-running noise-reducing headphones to block out the sound of my journey to the afterlife. To make up for the fact that I could easily be run over by traffic behind me because I am unable to hear the missing muffler, I chose to purchase the reflective vest notifying drivers of my presence.

Make sure to look for me on Hot-or-Not.com.  I'll be in the hot category. Obviously. 

SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY NEWS REPORT

We interrupt this completely overrated holiday to bring you some VERY EXCITING NEWS!!!!

Some news that almost caused an incident comparable to the "Big Boca Bob's boobs meet face incident" of January '08. I should have been forewarned prior to being told this very exciting news that it would be a double sports bra day. My body is not used to the extra movement.  My back still hurts, but it must be noted that news this exciting really does call for "jumping" with joy.

I give you the most memorable Valentine's Day Card I have ever received!

Titty Baby and CareBear are going to be parents!

That's right, folks! Though law enforcement personnel advised him otherwise, Titty Baby is reproducing. CareBear is already a glowing mother-to-be and I am anxiously awaiting September so I can dote on the little one.  Titty Baby took responsibility for naming the unborn, and unfortunately the little peanut of a child is currently being called Gunther. Let's hope CareBear is awarded the title of name-giver for when the baby actually makes its presence in the world. Until then......Gunther it shall be.

Upon hearing the news, I took it upon myself to create visuals for the parents of what Gunther might actually look like.  Those of you who have not experienced the exciting world of morphthing.com are truly missing out. I spent an entire evening morphing the oversized mug of Titty Baby and the adorable face of CareBear in order to create "The Face of Gunther"

Well Titty Baby and CareBear.......let's just hope this website was having a few technical difficulties when creating the face of your unborn child. I am not providing you with these photos to cause a frightful panic. I am just preparing you for what you might actually see come September.

I give you......BABY BOY GUNTHER


OR BABY GIRL GUNTHERETTE


See CareBear.....your fears of having a red headed child seem minuscule now. Instead your fear can now skip straight to having alien-like babies complete with blurred hairline. In all reality, though, I'm kinda diggin' baby boy Gunther. He's got potential.  Keep in mind. As parents, you are required to love this child unconditionally even if it does pop out with four eyes and a tail. Good News! Pseudo-Aunt Big Boca Bob (pending big diamond ring) adores anything with a tail. Gunther will be truly loved.

Note: This blog will be consumed with Gunther updates over the course of the next 7 months. Deal with it. Babies are cute and therefore deemed blog-worthy.

CONGRATS TITTY BABY AND CAREBEAR!!!

Remind me to stay away from you this summer. I foresee much subconscious hormonal "attitude" stemming from the Gunther household.

I Guess You Could Call It a Pity Titty Blog

So how about them Packers, huh? Even though I didn't get my Superbowl Halftime Proposal that I'd been not so subtly hinting towards for the past couple of weeks, I ended the day happy enough when the Pack ran off the Stadium Field holding the glorious Vince Lombardi trophy. Those boys in green and gold were forced to pull through for me since Officer Bob neglected to fulfill all my hopes and dreams. There's always next year, right?

While enjoying the game, it was brought to my attention that I have been a little lackluster in my blogging and the feelings of two individuals were hurt in the process. Let me rephrase......I had to listen to CareBear and Titty Baby bitch and moan that they did not receive their very own birthday blog post. What do they think I do? Sit around waiting for their birthdays to come along just so I have something to keep my busy. I don't think so, whiners! Unfortunately, both their birthdays fell on extremely busy days of the work week, and I was unable to multitask my creative blogging with reducing heart disease and diabetes in poor, innocent, novice exercisers. As a result of the begging and pleading for their own birthday post (okay so now I'm just being over dramatic), I have decided to offer a belated birthday blog post to the two lovebirds.  Sorry, CareBear and Titty Baby, but you're going to have to share the spotlight on this one. If I can't write individual posts for you on the actual day of your birth, you better believe I'm not giving you your own better-late-than-never post.

So here we go.................... 

Like Two Peas in a Pod

Enjoying life together one day at a time.












Like Two Amigos in a Taqueria








A great restaurante needs two partners in business and in life. Although one amigo might eat too many refried beans and share his explosive gas with the other.








Like Beauty and the Beast

One a refined lady (sometimes)

and the other.....well.....a little less refined.
But Titty Baby still holds the title of CareBear's enchanted Prince.







Like a Turd and Toilet Paper

One makes the mess and one cleans it up.

Guess which one's the turd.

Like Peanut Butter and Jelly

On whole grain bread and with a side of healthy cottage cheese and fruit. Right, CareBear?

Like a Rose and It's Thorn

This one gets tricky. I think the more opinionated of the two gets the title of the thorn on this one. And believe it or not, my nomination goes to CareBear. But a beautiful thorn to say the least. Plus Titty Baby needs a poke in the ass every once in a while.

Like Two Branches of Separate, But Fabulous Family Trees

One the pride and joy of her parents

and the other.....well....let's just say his mother DID NOT raise him that way.

Like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

 I hate to say it, but the Tweedle Dum in this case might not be the one you suspected. Contrary to popular belief, Pearl Harbor did not take place in Florida. A common mistake, CareBear.

The forces have brought together two unique personalities that combine to form one rockin', awesome, power couple. And today.......just a few days late.......I wish them both a VERY HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS TITTY BABY AND CAREBEAR!!!!

(age before beauty)

Are you happy now?!



Snow Me The Money!

For those of you without windows, a TV, or any need to have left your house over the last couple of days, let me bring you up to speed. Apparently Old Man Winter and Mother Nature had a bit of a lover's quarrel, and many of us unfortunate souls suffered for it. Snow wasn't the only thing to drastically fall during the Blizzard of 2011. My checking account also saw a quick decline due to the Snowpocalypse.

Two Personal Days From Work: $$$$$

Doctor's Bills For an Injured Back Attempting To Shovel This Crap: $0

(I love that Mama Dirt works for the doc. Hello free healthcare!)

Pain Meds/Muscle Relaxers for Aforementioned Injured Back: $18.83

(I forgot my damn insurance card!)

Hot Cocoa to Warm Up Officer Bob After He Took Over Shoveling Duties: $1.50

(He just looked so pitiful out in the cold....)

 

Window Cleaner To Clean The Windows that Reggie Is

Now Able to Stand and Lick Due To The 4ft Snow Drift: $4.29

Two Movie Rentals To Avoid Boredom: $6.00

Supplies Needed To Repair The Whole In The Wall

That Reggie Chewed Due To Cabin Fever:

Plaster: $6.99

Putty Knife: $2.00

Paint: $8.99

Fee For Service Snow Removal: $Check's In The Mail

(A Desperate Phone Call Made To Titty Baby and His Trusty Tractor.

The same Titty Baby that showed up at 7:00p.m. on Tuesday night

in the MIDDLE of the blizzard to start clearing a path in our driveway.

I'm sure his beard and mustache weren't the only two things to collect icicles.

This act in itself proves you aren't as racist as I thought you were, Titty Baby!)

Gas Station Pizza to Substitute Having To Actually Cook a Meal: $10.00

(Ten bucks for ONE damn pizza!

It isn't bad enough that gas itself costs an arm and a leg?

Just take another limb, BP! 

Who needs two arms anyway! I've already mastered holding a fork with my toes)

New Garage Door: $493.00

(The old one was never exactly fixed from a previous "car meets door" incident

(which I will never live down......thanks Titty Baby).

Blizzard winds and 15" of snow pretty much finished it off. R.I.P. Garage door.

You were a piece of crap anyway!)

Two Quiet, Calm, Drama-Free Days Spent In My Pajamas Cuddling with My Boys and Completely Ignoring My Half-Marathon Training:

Priceless.......