Wednesday, February 29, 2012

And She Lived To Tell About It........

I did it.

I plunged.

I jumped (slowly walked) into frigid waters.

All in the name of charity.

Outside Temperature: 13 degrees

Water Temperature: 39 degrees

How does that even happen?

Conclusion...................

It wasn't THAT bad.



For me anyway.

The poor scuba man suited up in the water behind me had somewhat of a different experience. He didn't realize there would be a full moon at noon on that balmy Saturday. If anyone knows the name of the poor rescue diver positioned directly behind my bare ass as I exited the lake this past Saturday, please inform me as I would like to send him a formal apology as well as a gift certificate for a professional eye exam. I'm sure this be-hind did some serious permanent ocular damage. How was I to know that my running pants would slide down my shivering hips in freezing temperatures while my hands/fingers simultaneously went numb resulting in my inability to correct the situation in a timely manner? I am clearly not a trained plunger here! Proven by my lack of appropriate attire.

Advice to any of you plunging soon.................

Wear pants that fit.
OR pants that have a drawstring and TIGHTEN those babies up good!

Luckily, Officer Bob (who stood in the "TOO CHICKEN TO PLUNGE" area a.k.a. WUSSVILLE) was unable to get a clear video of the unfortunate event.

All in all, you were right, Goldie.
It was fun.
Yada. Yada. Blah. Blah.

Congrats to all those who were "freezin for a reason" and good luck to all those yet to plunge!

Monday, February 20, 2012

I Am Mexican

I wear pants in the summer.
My childhood bedroom did not have access to the advanced technology of air conditioning.
I can eat a jar of jalapenos without breaking a sweat (this one may not be 100% true)

Due to my ethnicity, I feel have some innate response to temperatures below 50 degrees.

To rephrase: I HATE THE COLD!

So why, do you ask, am I participating in one of the most ridiculous events of all time?

Because it's for an amazing cause.

(and I don't handle peer pressure well)

True - immersing my body into ice-cold water may come with some serious bragging rights.

BUT I am pessimistic.
And inquisitive.
Both characteristics Officer Bob could have me do without.

So I used my inner reporter to investigate this annual display of stupidity.

Here's what I have found:

The Finns, Norwegians, and Russians like to finish off a stint in the sauna with a plunge in any icy lake, bragging of the benefits the cold water has on the immune system, the complexion --even the libido.

I am not Finnish.

I am not Norwegian.

I am not Russian.

I am MEXICAN.

Physiologically, your body responds to a cold plunge in three ways:
First, the small blood vessels constrict on the surface of your body as a defense mechanism, so you don’t lose heat. That means that a whole lot more blood is being squeezed into the same amount of blood vessels, which “serves to increase the effect on blood pressure."

Next, blood rushes from extremities to the core, chilling the limbs and leading to weakness and impaired motor coordination.

Finally, true hypothermia sets in. That's when core body temperature plunges below normal. If it falls far enough, heartbeat may be disrupted and breathing may fail, causing death.

Great.....what this says is "that I will plunge into freezing temperatures and my body will go into shock causing my blood pressure to rise. I will scream for help. Officer Bob will laugh. Hysterically. He will laugh for approximately 3 minutes too long without coming to my rescue causing my limbs to not work appropriately. He will finally feel bad enough to throw me a flotation device. However......because he spent extra time laughing at my discomfort, I will not be able to use my arms to hang on to said flotation device. I will remain limp in the cold water until hypothermia sets in, and Officer Bob is forced to show that he actually cares about me by diving in and saving me from DEATH."

Cool, Goldie!
Great Idea!

Now this is where I beg for donations so my dear friends and family can contribute to my stupidity. And of course for the amazing cause. All funds raised benefit the Special Olympics of Illinois. Having been a volunteer at local Special Olympics events, this is an organization near and dear to my heart. If my diving into frigid waters makes it possible for this organization to bring smiles to millions of faces, you better believe I'm in! I'm all in!

Please head on over to my team's donation page and throw in a few bucks.

That's right. I said team. As in "other people that actually think it's fun doing this."

If the Russians are right, my skin will be smooth as a baby's bottom, and Officer Bob will be one happy man.

I guess it does have its perks!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

America's Finest News Source

National news stations make me want to vomit.

For realz.

I can no longer muster up the energy to watch political debates over incredibly nonsense topics.

Watching such debates makes me fear for the future of this country.

At this point, I am seriously contemplating voting for Roseanne Barr for president if she should choose to run. Her methods can be no less irritating and/or frightening than those individuals currently posting ridiculous campaign messages across my television screen.

And don't get me started on the Whitney Houston crisis that has apparently taken over the nation.

Don't get me wrong, "I will always love" that lady (get it?) She blessed many with her amazing vocals, but if I have to hear "ooooo....I wanna dance with somebody" one more time, I am going to rip out my ear drums and feed them to the birds that keep shitting on my car in the parking lot at work.

I'm starting to dream about her funeral.

Seriously.

It happened.

So............in an effort to break away from men in suits and ties debating over the need for an electric fence between two countries and the constant replay of Whitney hits, I ventured over to my backup source of America's finest news for some entertainment.

Thank you, hard-working, detail-focused, writers of WTF News. For you are able to investigate the TRUE news of today's society!

You can't find headlines like this just anywhere:

Jedi' jailed for attacking police with light sabers

Man orders prostitute, daughter arrives

North Koreans. Accordions. '80s song. 'Nuff said

Not only am I able to catch up on all the not-so-popular topics of the times, but I am also able to search the want ads - and boy did I come across a gold mine!





In just over a year, I will be making a vow confirming my role as a Mexican housewife and therefore opening an opportunity for a totally glamorous career as a spandex-wearing, throat punching, bad to the bone Mexican wrestler.

Chokeslam.

Holla!

WTF News - you never cease to amaze me.

Gracias.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

11 Days?

------------------------------------------->

Really?

That little counter over there is down to 11 days?

Let's be honest..........

This ass ain't fittin' in no skinny jeans in 11 days.

That's right, Mama Dirt.

I said ass.

Because once a butt becomes so large in size,
it becomes an ass.

I won't tell you what the next step is
as I'm afraid the language is too vulgar.

On a good note~

My new job entails LOTS of exercise,
a better atmosphere for healthy eating,
and true motivation for kicking it in high gear.

I exercise approximately 3 1/2 hours a day.
I eat approximately 7 hours a day.

I think a balance issue is the source of my ass.

So, peeps, here is my plea for an extension on my skinny jean goal.

Just one more month?!

Gracias.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Blame Small Town Internet

For The Delay.............

In my daughter's eyes,

I am a hero,


I am strong and wise,


And I know no fear,


But the truth is plain to see,

She was sent to rescue me,


I see who I want to be,

In my daughter's eyes



In my daughter's eyes,

Everyone is equal,

Darkness turns to light,

And the world is at peace,

This miracle God gave to me,

Gives me strength when I am weak,


I find reason to believe,

In my daughter's eyes


And when she wraps her hand around my finger,

How it puts a smile in my heart,

Everything becomes a little clearer,

I realize what life is all about,


It's hanging on when your heart is had enough,

It's giving more when you feel like giving up,

I've seen the light,

It's in my daughter's eyes


In my daughter's eyes,

I can see the future,

A reflection of who I am and what will be,


And though she'll grow and someday leave,

Maybe raise a family,

When I'm gone I hope you see,

How happy she made me,

For I'll be there,

In my daughter's eyes




This year has brought you many blessings, CareBear!

I hope those blessings continue to grow.

You have evolved into a great mother,
and a great role model.

I can't wait for the day that I can offically
call you my sister.

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, CAREBEAR!!!



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