Dear Titty Baby and CareBear,

This past weekend made me realize that

 I love you.

Not in a creepy "I want to have your babies" kind of way, but more in a "I totally respect you and admire you" kind of way.

Titty Baby -

I'm not sure I have ever met a man as hard working as you. You are a proud husband and father who is determined to provide the best life possible for your wife and daughter. I can't begin to imagine the blood, sweat, and possibly tears that you have poured into renovating your humble abode over the past few months, but do know that this slightly overweight brown girl is TOTALLY IMPRESSED. You have made that house a home and you should give yourself one helluva pat on the back.

Care Bear -

Life is full of crazy twists and turns (especially since you decided to marry a man who would sell his mother for a perky profit), but you just go along for the ride. I am amazed at your poise and positive attitude. Sure - there are tears and yelling (some days more than others), but you hold your head high and keep routine for that adorable little girl I call my niece. Sacrifices are made and hours are spent questioning life decisions, but you should be very proud of the home you have put together and the family you are raising. Most of all, I applaud you for maintaining your sense of humor through it all. (i.e. skipping through a Kohl's parking lot at 1:00am with your soon to be Mexican sista)

And to you both -

This weekend was proof to me that I am not the only one who sees all of these amazing qualities. You have surrounded yourself with this incredible support system of family and friends that creep out of the woodwork when duty calls. We may be a little dysfunctional as a group - OK....ALOT dysfunctional - but that diverse crazy crew you call "friends" is a total reflection of the two of you. Thank you for proving to me that love, loyalty, and hard work truly does pay off. You have to get your hands dirty to be successful, but the payout is truly rewarding.

I love your loyalty.
I love your dedication to family.
I love my little(ish) Pebbles.
I love Officer Bob for allowing me to become a part of your lives.
And I. Love. You.


P.S. Titty Baby - this sentimental attitude is most likely going to be short lived. Please don't go thinking I actually like you or anything. Tomorrow I will go back to repeatedly making fun of your cracka ass like its my j-o-b.

Livin' La Vida Loca

WARNING:

The following post is long. Very long.

It should be about 5 separate posts.

BUT

this is proof that I haven't just been sitting around on my lazy bum waiting for something fabulous or funny or completely ridiculous to happen in my life so I could write about it. My life over the past month has been fabulous, funny, and completely ridiculous, and I am just now recovering from it all.

Life Event #1

Small yet Eventful Bachelorette Party in Arizona

We were cute.

(in all the pictures early in the evening)

 But after a few pitchers of adult beverages,

all photogenic qualities went right out the window.

And apparently so did all proper decision-making skills

and abilities to differentiate between appropriate and non-appropriate

ways to act in public areas.

Exhibit A:

Big Boca Bob's extremely unneccessary

"Baby Got Back" choreography.

(although you have to admit, the piano is an exceptional prop)

Exhibit B:

Big Boca Bob's poor decision to remove her bra

and place said bra on the piano player's head.

(Sorry Mama Dirt)

Exhibit C:

Big Boca Bob's constant proclamation

that she "shared a moment" with the piano player.

(he was practically seducing me with his eyes - I swear!)

Exhibit D:

Best Friend/Bridesmaid unable to stand

straight up in elevators.

BUT still able to pull of rockstar poses

in all pictures

And concluding with Exhibit E:

Finding a rock hard kitchen floor as the

most comfortable sleeping quarters for the evening.

(even the dogs couldn't handle it)

So.......what's the best cure for an overwhelming bachelorette hangover?

A little Bailey's in your morning coffee of course!

 And a trip to Margartitaville early in the morning when the sun is shining VERY bright into your squinting eyes amplifying the pounding in your head and instigating nausea.

Followed by mimosas by the pool

(obviously)

And capped off with Bailey's milkshakes in the hot tub.

(DUH!)

Phew!

A whirlwind of a weekend

with some pretty great friends

making some pretty sweet memories.

The end.

Life Event #2

A 6.5 mile tortorous hilly race with two of my three favorite siblings.

(And one pretty cute cheerleader)

Aaron Rodgers? - check!

State Farm Agent? - check!

Discount Double Check Guy? - discount double check!

Trying running for an hour wearing a wedge of cheese on your head.

I had to have burned at least 300 extra calories just trying to keep that thing on.

Remember that cute cheerleader I mentioned?

I honestly was just about as happy to cross the finish line of this race

as I was to cross the finish line after my marathon.

Springdale Cemetary = 2.Many.Hills

 Life Event #4

Halloween.

Beans.

Oompa Loompa.

Adorbs.

The end.

Life Event #5

A fun-filled weekend sleepover with my favorite little Mexican niece.

And just like Pebbles,

Beans likes her Uncle Officer Bob better.

Heart is crushed.

Until I look at pictures like this.

 How can you not smile at that face?

Now.......

you may be asking yourself,

Where was Officer Bob while I was off enjoying life?

Two words.

Video Games.

M.A.M.A. D.I.R.T.

Though most definitions on Urban Dictionary are rude and crude, I would say the authors deserve a standing ovation for co-writing this birthday blog as they were S.P.O.T. O.N.

M.amacita
def: "the Spanish for "little mother". Rather like the English word "momma", mamacita can mean a mother of both the standard and the red hot kind."
ex: What a hottie! Que Mamacita!

A.buelita
def: "literally - Little Grandmother."
ex: My abuelita buys me awesome presents.

M.ature
def: "The ability to deal with a movie or painting in which nudity is shown (NOT porn) without laughing, feeling uncomfortable or making a dirty comment."
ex: Mama Dirt is NOT mature.

A.geless Wonder
def: "Someone who never reveals their age and never seems to celebrate a birthday. If somehow you happen upon this information and share it with others they’ll take it very offensively."
ex: Mama Dirt IS an ageless wonder.

D.ivine
def: "Angelic. Godlike. Heavenly. Divine is a caring girl with a big heart, but cross her path and you will not be forgiven easily.
ex: Ain't my mama divine?

I.ntense
def: "Like camping - or the circus! - also refers to something with a high level of intenseness."
ex: Being a mother to four annoying bratty adult children is intense.
R.adical
def: "A word used by people over the age of 30 in an attempt to sound cool, usually resulting in the opposite. Adj.- a description of an action or thing which is especially impressive."
ex: Mama Dirt is totally radical.

T.alented
def: "A woman with nice tits."
ex: My mom is more talented than your mom AND I inherited her genes.

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, MAMA DIRT!

 

As Mamacita and Abuelita -

you are a talented, radical, intense, divine ageless wonder!

Thank you for continuing to care for your four bratty adult children.