Just Another Reason.........

I ABSOLUTELY, POSTIVELY, NO DOUBT IN MY MIND............

HATE COLD BLEEPIN' WEATHER!!!!!!

Let's take a look at the following equation:

Moisture in the Air + Freezing Temperatures = Snow

Snow + Driveway = Slippery

Slippery + Car = BROKEN GARAGE DOOR

There I was like a slow motion movie:
Foot on brake to the floor,
hands waving,
curse words being shouted,
"STOP, you effing car!

And then.......car meets garage door.

A BIG thank you to Titty Baby and Grand Puba for being my knights in shining armor (or should I say shining leather and camo). It's a good thing I have cable and Kahlua on hand just for times like this. An hour in freezing temperatures fighting with the unresponsive, cold, poor excuse for a garage door was apparently forgotten once I was able to provide - 2 glasses of Kahlua and cream and 1 super-fantastic-amazing-holy cow-what the hell happened season finale of Sons of Anarchy!

Remind me to make sure to pay the cable bill and stock up on liquor in case it decides to snow again.

A Casa de Bob Thanksgiving Adventure

DAY 1

Thursday, November 25th 2010 (Thanksgiving Day)
Start Time - 8:30am

The alarm buzzed (actually sang - I wake up every morning to the voice of Marc Cohn - *sigh*) , and I jumped from my bed in anticipation of consuming the most delicious meal of 2010. I drooled at the thought of delectable green been casserole and creamy, thick, mashed potatoes. And then.......reality set in. For today, I have decided to take BOTH Gilbert and Reggie on a road trip to Great Grandma and Grandpa's house. That would be one human (me), one puppy (Reggie), and one horse (Gilbert) all in my small, but sporty Dodge Avenger for exactly 1 1/2 hours without stopping for a potty break or a vomit break as Gilbert has been cursed with an unfortunate case of doggy car sickness.

After preparing myself for the day, I attempted to wake Officer Bob from his sleep coma not once, not twice, not thrice, but FOUR TIMES!!!! I begged and pleaded with him to help me prepare the kids for the car ride. A crate needed to be torn down and loaded, food prepared and packed, favorite toys, blankies, and bones stuffed in the diaper bag, and he REFUSED to move from the warmth of the comforter. I really do hope this isn't a sign for the future.

Officer Bob conveniently woke up in enough time to kiss his girlfriend and children goodbye, and we headed out the door. Reggie was a great front seat passenger............

for all of 30 seconds before deciding jumping back and forth from the driver's lap to the window was incredibly entertaining. (NOT for the driver!)

Gilbert, trying to refrain from tossing his cookies all over my backseat, responded by offering dirty looks at his younger brother's behavior.

Eventually the two settled down, and I was able to drive peacefully for the last five minutes of the road trip.


Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for serving as fabulous Thanksgiving hosts. Dinner (and dessert) was delicious! At this time, I would also like to thank God for the many gifts he has blessed me with over the course of 2010. I couldn't ask for a better support system in my grandparents, parents, and especially siblings. I wouldn't trade you for the world.

Following the meal, it was time for the annual tradition of Family Game Time. Games chosen for 2010 included Cash Cab and Quelf. I'll make this quick.......

Osama Bin Father played Cash Cab. The King Of Useless Trivia won twice and the rest of us sulked in our less than mediocre intelligence compared to this genius of a man.

Quelf - a game we have played in the past, but incredibly entertaining none-the-less. The game included:

Chicken Dancing

Lots of Confusion

And the stripping of the dignity of a young girl forced into this family tradition by her boyfriend of maybe 3 weeks tops?! She was a great sport and I truly hope we didn't scare her away. By the way......you have the best 10-second touchdown dance while holding a plant I have ever seen!

The car ride home was much less eventful as the boys and I were both pooped from the days excitement.

After arriving home, the tryptophan kicked in, and the boys and I called it an early night!

End Time - 9:30pm

DAY 2

Friday, November 26th 2010
Start Time - 7:00am

We'll call this "The Day that Officer Bob Has Been Complaining About for Two Weeks Straight"

In an effort to successfully complete my goals of healthy living for not only myself, but also my ever-so-loving boyfriend, I signed us up for the Trot for Tots run to take place prior to one of the longest-running Santa Claus parades in the nation. Enter whining......LOTS of whining.

Also in an effort to force others to undergo the same torture, I also recruited the efforts of El Aguila and one of Officer Bob's fellow officers, Goldsmith.

It is important to note that El Aguila is a runner.....
a fast runner....
a runner of long distances....
a runner currently training for a super fast marathon.......
a runner that thinking back, I'm not really sure why I invited because he makes us all look like overweight snails trudging slowly towards an invisible finish line.

ANYWAY......Mama Dirt and the new girlfriend previously mentioned met us at the starting line to serve as race spectators/fan club.

At start time, I believe the temperature outside was approximately 28 degrees......Fahrenheit.......as in below freezing. Enter MORE whining from Officer Bob.

Good thing I had made a quick Wal-Mart run to make sure Officer Bob would be extra cozy during the most uncomfortable 20 minutes of his life.

It is also important to note that El Aguila is one of THOSE runners.

You know.....the runners that no matter what the temperature is, they have to be dressed for success in a sleeveless singlet and shorts. Yup! That's him! (dumbass)

The starter yelled "GO!" and we were off. The first quarter mile was extra rough as I was consuming the dust from El Aguila's sprinting start. Once I was in my zone, I found a comfortable pace, and remained there for the entire course. People dressed in red and green lined the streets clapping for the runners all the while commenting on the stupidity of individuals racing in 28 degree weather. Thank you, spectators. You truly made me feel foolish and duncical.

Congrats to El Aguila on your second-place medal winning finish, blah, blah, blah.
You are so fast. I bow down to you and your athletic prowess, yada, yada, yada.

Next to cross the finish line......Big Boca Bob!
And I must say, my olympic-like, high-fiving, show-stopping finish was the highlight of the race!

Then comes.....Officer Bob.
Now tell me this doesn't look like a face that LOVES to run!

And finally, a BIG CONGRATS to Officer Goldsmith for completely your very first road run!
Awesome job!

After reviving Officer Bob from his post-race near-death experience,

and hooking him up to the portable oxygen tank,

we rehydrated, posed with the mascot of the race, and finished watching the parade.

Overall - A fabulously entertaining Thanksgiving adventure!

P.S. Officer Bob....from now on, I promise to ask your permission before signing you up for another *run*. Your face of disapproval is giving me nightmares.

Thanks for being a trooper. You did great, beat your goal time, and I am SO proud of you!

The Big 5-0!

How to tell your aging.......

• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• Your friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You laugh, pee, sneeze, and fart all at the same time.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• "Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• Your kids call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
• Your husband says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
• You don't care where Grand Puba goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Feliz Cumpleanos, Daisy Duke!

You did a hell of a job with the first 50 years!
Now here's to another half a century of happiness!

(Let's just hope that hammock holds up!)

It's Official......He's The One

I called Officer Bob at work on Sunday evening via the "Jail Phone" with a dire emergency that just could not wait! It is important to note that contrary to popular belief (aka MY belief) conversations held on the "Jail Phone" are NOT recorded. Thank Goodness!

Below is a transcript of the exact conversation:

Big Boca Bob: Can I speak to Officer Bob, please?

Random Officer #1: Just a second.......

Officer Bob: Hello? (slightly annoyed that I am calling his work yet again)

Big Boca Bob: Hey! I have a quick question for you.

Officer Bob: What?

Big Boca Bob: How much do you love me?

Officer Bob: Alot. (really annoyed that I called  his work yet again)

Big Boca Bob: Is that enough to stop by the store after work and pick up tampons?

Officer Bob: NO!

Big Boca Bob: Really? Ok....(in a really disappointed, sad, on-the-verge-of-tears voice)

Officer Bob: UGH! FINE! But have you ever been down that aisle? Do you know how many stupid kinds of those things there are?

Big Boca Bob: Have I ever told you that I love you?

Officer Bob: WHATEVER! Text me exactly what you need.

Big Boca Bob: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! You're the best!

Officer Bob: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. But just know that if I have to walk around with those in the cart, I am buying myself some kind of really expensive, manly tool to make up for it.

Big Boca Bob: You are a tool.

END CONVERSATION

One hour later, Officer Bob arrives with my emergency equipment AND some orange juice because "he knows how much I love my morning OJ"

I think I got myself a keeper.

Did You Realize, Mama Dirt?...........

That you are another year older?

(By the way.....thanks for making it another year because my Sunday evening would not have been the same without my fried chicken dinner!)

Did you realize that by turning ??, you are officially older than all of the following items?

• Alaska - the state
• Barbie - the doll
• Flinstones - the cartoon
• Revolution - the Cuban

Did you realize that during your lifetime you have had the pleasure of giving birth to and raising these four stunning beauties? (okay...maybe just three stunning beauties and one ridiculous boy-man)

Did you realize that during your lifetime, the following events have occured?

• US President John F Kennedy Shot
• Vietnam War
• First Human Heart Transplant
• First Man Walked on the Moon
• Y2K
• The Falling of the World Trade Center
• The Invention and Popularization of the Computer (which I know is still a struggle)
• The Invention and Popularization of the Debit Card (which I know is an even bigger struggle)
•  AND MANY MANY MANY (get the hint?) MORE!

Did you realize that you are a great provider for your family with both an emotional and physical strength that I can only hope I inherited?

Feliz Cumpleanos, Mama Dirt!
(a little late, but heartfelt nonetheless)

I Believe In Seasonal Affective Disorder

An ode to the changing of the season........

I call it......

COLD WEATHER BLOWS

The time for winter coats is almost here.
I cringe at the thought of it being so near.

I'll be prepared with long underwear and wooly socks
When I wake up on Sunday to set back the clocks.

Hello bitter cold and frosty night.
You make so mad, it's just not right!

As I pray for the cold to be put to a halt,
Please know my grouchy attitude is ALL YOUR FAULT!

My lips are already chapped and my skin is dry.
The decreasing temperature makes me cry.

All bundled up with a frostbitten toe,
I dread the thought of ice and shoveling snow.

I'd rather have a full year of fun
Playing outside in the warmth of the sun.

But instead you choose to come each and every year
To make me shiver and freeze my rear.

The thought of winter makes me ill.
And don't get me started on the heating bill!

And as the snot freezes in my raw, red nose,
I curse Mother Nature cuz Cold Weather Blows!

The cold does bring with it ONE good thing, I must say......
NO shaving my legs for three months! Hooray!