Wednesday, December 28, 2011

La Navidad To Remember!

I promise I was a good girl this year.

If you forget about that small mishap involving tequila and a dance floor

And those moments that I kinda sorta referred to my boyfriend as a "cracka"

Oh....and let's overlook that time I walked out of Walmart with an UNscanned case of water under my cart and it was raining REALLY hard and I totally didn't go back in to pay for it. Sorry Mama Dirt.

Good thing Santa's age is finally catching up to him and
his memory is starting to slip

Because Santa Came to Town.........

And what I am assuming was supposed to be coal,

Turned into a DIAMOND!



That's right folks!

OFFICER BOB POPPED THE QUESTION!

And you know I'm a sucker for white boys and bling!

 So here's the details.....

I am a collector.

Not of lint.

But of hand-painted glasses. Wine glasses. Martini glasses. Margarita glasses. Pilsners. Any glass that is capable of holding alcohol and beautifully hand-painted, count me in!




Officer Bob was mandated to spend his Christmas weekend with drug dealers and prostitutes so we took full advantage of his time home in the evening to have our own little gift exchange.

One by one, Officer Bob opened his oh-so-exciting presents consisting of t-shirts, polos, and hoodies. I'm a practical shopper.

Finally, it was MY turn.

Officer Bob handed me a gift of which I was sure of the contents. All of my hand-painted glasses are packaged the same. I had seen plenty of these cylinders and knew exactly what was inside. Or so I thought.

Officer Bob did not appear nervous. He did not appear anxious. There were NO signs that anything was out of the ordinary. Therefore, I went ahead and opened my present in no rush with no anticipation.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But a BEAUTIFULLY hand-painted martini glass decorated with diamond rings...........


And an even more BEAUTIFUL diamond sparkling right in the center.

A real diamond ring.

Diamond.

Ring.



Get it?

I look to my right and see Officer Bob down on one knee in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve mouthing something along the lines of "Will You Marry Me?"

YES! YES! YES!

And one more for good measure.

YES!

I would hardly consider Officer Bob a romantic, but I will never forget the Christmas that Santa sent me a fiance. The man of my dreams. The love of my life.

And my future husband.


Wedding Planning Has Officially Started!

____________________________________________________________________


P.S. I must sincerely apologize to Grand Puba. In the midst of the engagement excitement, I unfortunately was unable to post your very own Birthday Blog. For fear of hurt feelings, I would like to make up for this by providing this blog audience with a "snapshot" of you of which I would like to title:

GRAND PUBA THROUGH THE YEARS
 The Adorable Years
The Swing Choir Years
The "Boys with their Toys" Years
The "Where's Bubbles?" Years
 The Compatible Years
    And The Reno Years

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, GRAND PUBA!

Your son got you the best gift of all!

A Mexican!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

He Made The Christmas Card

Since posting the final straw of Casa de Bob Doggie Demolition,
(remember the plywood window?)
several of you have asked about the status of our youngest four-legged child.

Here is your update.

Against my better judgment,

AND because the thought of losing a mutt made a grown man whine
(*ahem* Officer Bob)

Alot.

And there is nothing worse than listening to a grown man whine.

Seriously.

Nothing.

I have been guilted into remaining a family of four.

That's right. Reggie made the Christmas card this year.


BUT he's still getting a shitload of coal in his stocking!

Think I can sneak Santa a twenty to take him back to the North Pole with him?

I'm sure Rudolph needs a wing man.

Then again, I couldn't bare the thought of being semi-responsible
for the total destruction of Santa's workshop
totally ruining Christmas for millions of children all over the world.

I guess I have to keep him.

Damn.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I Think I'm In Love


MEMORABLE MOMENTS FROM MY
SLEEPOVER WITH BEANS

  • Observing a new father devote his time to caring for a precious baby girl.
  • Watching that same father bond with his daughter over yet ANOTHER Bears loss!
  • Snuggling with possibly the smallest human being I have ever held in my arms.
  • Listening to the story telling talents of the Naked Nana
(Proven by an e-mail I received today explaining the events that led to this blog moniker. Quite possibly one of the FUNNIEST e-mails ever written by a one-armed woman under the influence of several mind-altering drugs)

  • Performing a Christmas photo session with one of Santa's littlest elves.
  • Watching a new father kinda sorta successfully accomplish his daughter's nighttime bath.
  •  Laughing hysterically at the sight of a squeaky clean Beans with a sad case of what we like to call "CareBear Hair"
  • Giving my undivided attention to my niece 
  •  While making sure to spend quality time with her jealous older brother.
  • BUT OBVIOUSLY  SOAKING UP EVERY POSSIBLE MINUTE WITH 6 POUNDS OF GENUINE INNOCENCE.

This little family will never be the same.
Thank you, Beans, for bringing magic to our lives.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

This Is How I Spend My Weekends

NIGHT ONE

As Officer Bob sits watching football, and I surf the net in an effort to START my Christmas shopping. The holiday season kinda sorta snuck up on me this year!

Officer Bob: "I need a haircut"

Big Boca Bob: "I'm thirsty"

Officer Bob: "Maybe I can just trim my sideburns"

Big Boca Bob: "Maybe I can get a cappuccino"

Officer Bob: "I think I'm going to go to Mom's and use their clippers to trim my sideburns"

Big Boca Bob: " I think I'm going to go to the gas station and get a cappuccino"

ANYONE STILL READING?

Big Boca Bob: "Will you drive me?"

Officer Bob: "Whatever"

Big Boca Bob: "Do I need to put a bra on?"

Officer Bob: "If you expect me to drive you"

Big Boca Bob: "What if I just put a sweatshirt on?" (I frequently use the rationalization that heavy clothing hides the fact that my boobs are touching my kneecaps.)

Officer Bob: "You are embarrassing!"

Big Boca Bob: "Fine. I'll put on a bra. But I'm NOT gonna like it!"

Officer Bob: "You can walk then"

Big Boca Bob: "FINE!"

About 5 minutes and a block and a half later, I realize my stubbornness is inferior to the fact that it is 15 degrees outside, I am wearing lime green pants, a sweatshirt from high school, and 2 year old slippers. So I reluctantly throw my thumb out in hopes someone will pick up a poor, frozen Mexican from the side of the road.

Officer Bob slams on the brakes, throws open the passenger side door, and shouts:

"Hurry up! Get the eff in! My girlfriend can be a real b-word about this shit!"

Apparently he has done this before.

Should I be worried?
__________________________________________________________________

NIGHT TWO

I receive a phone call from El Aguila.

"Can my gf and I come over to study? It's a proven fact that people study better when they go somewhere they've never studied before."

Does this give me an excuse to eat pizza and chips while completely ignoring my poor attempt at another p90x workout? Yes?

"Sure! Come on over!"

Turns out I'm not a great study buddy.

First two hours spent watching 30 Minutes or Less. Movie grade? A. Very funny. Very inappropriate. Totally my style.

Hour number three spent watching cats dance, comedians sing, and incredibly awkward members of society make attempts at becoming viral superstars on YouTube. Fail.

Hour number four spent listening to El Aguila show off his musical talents in the form of TOTALLY inappropriate and offensive lyrics (stolen from other funny people) combined with some pretty rockin' guitar pickin'

Yes folks, the man you are about to see is currently studying for the MCAT. As he could possibly be attending med school. As he could one day be responsible for performing life-saving medical procedures on very young children or the elderly.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEOS ARE VERY OFFENSIVE AND INAPPROPRIATE. CONTAIN FOUL LANGUAGE. NOT FOR CHILDREN. IF YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF 25 BUT STILL HAVE THE MATURITY LEVEL OF A 16 YEAR OLD YOU WILL THOROUGHLY ENJOY.

Lesson 1: Math

Lesson 2: Love

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Beans Blab: Welcome To The World, Mi Sobrina!!

December 3, 2011 at 9:31am
Huracan and Mama B became the proud owners of this:
 Tied with Pebbles as the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby ever born!
(but then again, I am a little partial!)

Beans weighed in at 6lbs 9oz
(thankfully much lighter than her 9lb 10oz father)
The jury is still out as to the owner of the dominant genes.
Granny Dirt says the lips come from Mama.
Grandma B says the baby comes from Mexico.
I side with Grandma B.

Regardless, my little bean burrito can be described in one word.
PERFECT.


Tia Big Boca Bob made sure to get her fair share of snuggle time.
Like you had any doubts.


Mommy and baby are both doing great!
Reports of the labor and delivery seem to conflict between
Mother and Father as perceptions of the
13 minutes.....yeah thats right........
I said 13 minutes
seem to be slightly different.

As I try to hash out the details to offer you a full review of the birth,
AND as I locate the memory card holding the hundreds of pictures
with which I tortured my new baby niece, I leave you with this:






My TWO Baby Girls!!

Oh 2011, You sure have blessed me!!


Friday, December 2, 2011

It Took Someone's Birthday To Pull Me Out Of My Blogging Dry Spell

D.A.N.C.I.N.G   Q.U.E.E.N.

Darling
Animated
Nostalgic
Candid
Imaginative
Noticeable
Gabby
(that one's for you, Mama Dirt!)

Quirky
Unique
Energetic
Eccentric
Nerdy

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, DANCING QUEEN!

There is no one word to describe you, and that, in itself, is an amazing trait!
Your enthusiasm for life radiates with every smile!
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your ridiculous,
sometimes obnoxious, amazingly fun world.

I heart you 19 times over.



P.S.
Beans Blab Update:
Mama B will be induced on Wednesday.
I am more than ready to meet my little bean burrito!

P.S.S
Turns out THREE amazing people were born on this day!
Feliz Cumpleanos, Jamie R. and Mrs.!!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Miss America

There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties she took the town by storm
With her all-American face and form
And there she is
Walking on air, she is
Fairest of the fair, she is
There she is - Miss America

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, DAISY DUKE!

I could not be more jealous of your legs in that outfit.

You truly are the ideal.
The ideal mother to your children.
The ideal grandmother to your grandchildren.
The ideal wife to your husband.
(Though, at times, he won't admit it)
And the ideal, All-American woman!

It has been a pleasure knowing you over the last 6+ years.
You have become a good friend, and I only hope that friendship continues.

Enjoy your birthday!
Remember.....after so many, you get to start counting backwards!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Commit To Get Fit!

On October 9th, I slowly jogged 26.2 miles (with a minor pit stop in the medical tent) and turned into a rock star when I crossed the finish line of my very first marathon crossing a HUGE line through a bucket list item I seriously thought I would never really succeed in completing. One would think I'm a super fit, lean, mean, running machine, right?!

WRONG!!!

Since the day I crossed that finish line, I have exercised approximately 0 days. Nada. Zilch. A Goose Egg.

I still use the excuse that I am STILL treating puss-filled blisters on the bottom of my foot from that dreadful day (which is totally true and totally disgusting), but just as the potential for me pursuing a career as a foot model is slowly slipping away so is the timeline for that excuse.

Pretty soon people are gonna ask my why I haven't engaged in ANY predetermined physical activity in over a month, and I will have to respond with - "Because I am a fat, lazy, slob with no desire to look presentable to the general population ever again!" While parts of this statement might be true, I can't have a career within the exercise science field while individually contributing to the obesity epidemic myself! I will have to resort to training people on how to loosen the seams in their shirts and insert elastic waistbands into dress pants rather than training to lose weight and build endurance.

Here's the story that started this all:

(I'm not going to tell you when or where this happened and who was in attendance because I am still slightly (greatly) embarrassed by said story.)

Ask any young girl about fads in fashion and many will respond with phrases such as "skinny jeans" and jeggings". For those of you like me who live in sweatpants and t-shirts, the word jeggings sounded like a made-up foreign language. Therefore, I turned to google for some insight.
Thank you, world wide web, for always being there for me when I need you. As a visual learner, I finally grasped the concept of this trend. The skinny, pretty, girls that wear their jeans/jeggings tucked into boots in the winter strutting down the sidewalk?! Yeah....I wanna be one of them.

So.....I ventured out with "the cool kids" to do some shopping in an effort to spruce up my wardrobe. After some convincing, I entered a dressing room with jeggings in hand to prove that I, too, can be one of the cool kids. I'm sure you can guess where this story is going. One leg after another I squeezed into the torture device with sounds similar to a hog in heat. There was quite a bit of grunting, huffing, and puffing that lead the poor individual in the dressing room next to mine to inquire if "I was ok in there?" Ever seen the documentaries on a sausage factory? The part where the pile of unknown meat gets shoved into the casing? Well I have. In the mirror that day at the mall.

I was finally able to praise myself when the jeggings made it up to the muffin top and the fat roll located around/near my naval spilled over the top. I reluctantly made the decision to not purchase the ridiculously dreadful attire and decided to take them off for return to the rack. However, this did not go as planned. The jeggings WOULD NOT peel away from my cottage cheese thighs. I scream to "the cool kids" for assistance...."HELP! I'm Seriously Stuck In These Things!" Do you think they help? NO! Do you think they pee their pants in laughter?! YES! Applications for new "cool kid friends" are currently being accepted.

This is where the plot thickens.

Do I

A: Wear them out of the store pretending it was my intent to purchase a new outfit for the day, anyway?

B: put my NORMAL PEOPLE jeans over the top of them, walk out of the store, and simply tell the clerk I need to test drive them before making a purchase?

C: Ask the poor, innocent, dressing room attendant for advice in how to remove my sausage legs from the torture device? This has to have happened before, right?!

or D: None of the above. Sulk in the dressing room for 15 minutes before becoming so infuriated that rage takes over my body and rips the jeggings from my body.

Answer: D

Note: I laugh at this story now, but it truly was one of the most traumatizing moments of my life.

And with all the information you just received, you are asking:

Big Boca Bob.....what are you going to do about all of this?

Well, my readers, I am devoting the next 90 days of my life to Tony Horton.
The man who created what I am only guessing will be "90 Days of H, E, Double Hockey Sticks" Officer Bob purchased p90x several months ago, told me it was quote "stupid" and never participated in the program. HOWEVER, after living through my "Jeggings Saga" I am bound and determined to see the end of this thing. And what is the reason I'm publicly posting this on my blog? Because this means, I CAN NOT FAIL. You have all been nominated as members of my accountability group.

The before pictures have been taken (under the guidance of Tony, of course). Yikes. These pictures are under lock and key unless something DRAMATIC happens over the course of the next 90 days. Today starts Day 1. In 90 days, if Tony does his job, I am going to confidently strut into that mall and purchase my very first pair of skinny jeans (eff the jeggings.....I'm pretty sure I will NEVER be ready for those).

Now, I extend this challenge to you. Let's spend the next 90 days together.

Who's with me?!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Llama Finds Love

The Llama's toes are dull no more!

That's right! The Llama found a man, fell in love, and is on her way to wedded bliss!

Beau popped the question and The Llama said YES!

Hard to believe that just one year ago, I was posting personal ads for The Llama on this very blog. And now she has convinced him (payed off, threatened his life, etc.) that she is not only a beautiful, amusing, talented, lovable, gal but THE ONE to whom he would like to devote the rest of his life! WOW! She's good!

This is the story I got from Llama in Love today:
*(keep in mind I may have added by own details for comic effect)

The Llama had purchased tickets to witness the best professional football team play at the one and only Lambeau Field
(otherwise known as "The Best Place On Earth").

What I imagine the dialogue was like prior to departure:

Beau: Let's Go, Llama! We're gonna be late!
The Llama: "Hold on honey! Does this camo match green and gold?!"
Beau: "What the hell are you talking about, darling?! Camo goes with EVERYTHING! America!"

After arrival at the game, the twosome made all the tourist stops at
The Best Place On Earth.

One of those stops included the infamous Vince Lombardi statue.

Beau started to sweat profusely as they walked towards the statue, requesting The Llama take her place for her picture. P.S. It is pretty sickening how photogenic this girl is. Really. It is. As The Llama approached 'ol Vince, Beau politely asked the couple next to him to photograph one of the most memorable moments of his life (2nd to shooting his first buck, I'm sure).

What I'm assuming was dialogue with the mystery couple:

Beau: "Will you please take a picture of me and my girlfriend?"
Couple: "Of course! We would love to!"
Beau: "Make sure you take lots of pictures. I'm going to propose to her."
Couple: "Really? But she's wearing camo with green and gold!"
Beau: "I know! Isn't she beautiful! America!"

Beau held back the tears in his eyes, approached the woman of his dreams, got down on one knee, and you know the rest! I asked The Llama "What did he say?!" She responded with, "I don't know!" Now that is love! Totally lost in the moment, staring into each others eyes, overjoyed with happiness, love.

They cried.
 They kissed.
 They hugged.
 AND they celebrated a Green Bay Victory!!! GO PACK GO!

CONGRATULATIONS BEAU AND LLAMA!

Officer Bob and I could not be happier for the both of you.
 You make a beautiful couple,
 and I know for sure that you two were meant for each other.
We wish you all the happiness in the world as a couple in your new home.


Moral of the Story?! - Daisy Duke CAN NOT keep secrets.






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