He Is SO Grounded!

The most recent picture of my

not even one year old,

barely been introduced to a variety of bottom,

pretty damn expensive couch.........

There are no words......

(that are blog appropriate)

If it wasn't confirmed "last time"

it has been confirmed now.

Not only does my dog need valium,

he needs a 9-hour daily sedative.

Official Marathon Training Week #2

I've still got some more weight to lose before running

becomes a comfortable activity.

If you consider feeling like you are slowly suffocating due to lack of oxygen,

scarred thighs from chafing burns,

and back pain from bouncing frontal ornaments

 "comfortable".

I will have you know that running as a sport was NOT created

for hefty, well-endowed, short Mexican women.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.

I still have about 10 more pounds to shed and one more cup size to drop

until I can successfully fit into the modern, hip workout clothes.

Until then,

I'll continue to permanently stain Officer Bob's old t-shirts with my chicana sweat.

Besides, I wouldn't want my running routine to be interrupted

by Matthew McConaughey look-alikes asking for my digits all the time.

My little black book is already full of the Don Vito type.

Must be the baggy t-shirts.

Holla!

I Really Need to Find More Immature Friends

To ALL friends who are buying new houses, getting married, making babies, and engaging in all other activities that signify growing up and all that jazz.......

CONSIDER YOURSELF FOREWARNED.

All gifts for such occasions between the months of June and October will be homemade because I can no longer budget for the ridiculous number of bridal showers, baby showers, weddings, housewarming parties, bachelorette parties etc., etc., etc.

YOU ARE MAKING THIS POOR MEXICAN EVEN POORER!

Don't get me wrong, I am uber excited to celebrate all these monumental milestones in your lives, but if I add one more celebration to "Summer of Negative Balance 2011" I will be digging out of the neighbor's dumpster for next week's dinner. Hope Officer Bob enjoys mac and cheese scraped off the Sunday paper. I'll have to come up with some explanation for the flavor of recycled matter and wood pulp.

However, because you all scheduled "becoming real adults" into your lives at the same exact time, this does not mean that your gifts will be made out of popsicle sticks and glitter glue (though the idea has crossed my mind once or twice after seeing a recent 1/2 price ad for glitter glue at Dollar General). My choice in friends that are WAY more mature than I and making completely grown up decisions has afforded me the opportunity to really delve into the one and only creative bone in my body. I just hope my most recent bone density score is accurate and the one and only creative bone that this 5 foot 4 inch stature is made of will be able to hold up for the torture it is about to endure.

I get it. I am at that age. The age when my surroundings start to fill with the sound of wedding bells and the smell of baby diapers. But really, friends? Why do you have to pick the same months of the same summers to grow up? I am in maturity overload and you all know damn well that doesn't exactly fit me. I mean.....I gotta rep to protect.

But back to the topic at hand.

Attention Friends!

When opening my gift at your special occasion, know that you did NOT register for such item at Target, Kohls, Babies 'R Us, Crate and Barrel, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, or any other retail store. When criticizing the creativity of my gift, I hope you consider the amount of love, sweat, and burnt skin cells from the hot glue gun that went into making such a memorable masterpiece.

Project #1 has officially been completed. Total cost: $11.99. Only an endless amount to go.

I am so proud of and happy for ALL of my amigos who are celebrating such fabulous occasions this summer. I look forward to creating memories with you on the most important days of your lives. It truly makes me happy knowing you are confident in the decisions you have made and are taking the necessary steps to ensure you wake up with a smile every day.

However, with all the maturity sucking the life right out of you, expect me to throw in the inappropriate remarks around Grandma, the vomiting in the parking lot after too many vodka waters (hold the water), and the ridiculously awesome dance moves at the parties of the year.

LET THE SUMMER FUN BEGIN!!!!

Top Two Reasons I Heart Summer

#1. I don't have to cook.

#2. I don't have to cook.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the gift of the GRILL.

It's one of the only reasons I keep Officer Bob around.

Would it be possible to have a seasonal relationship?!