Qualifications of a Great Amiga!

Someone who lives hundreds of miles away,
but still makes arrangements to ring in the New Year with you.

Someone who wakes up before the rooster to watch the sun rise with you.

Someone who makes you realize that as awful as a Central Illinois winter may
seem, residents of South Dakota have it worse.

 
Someone who stays awake long enough to catch the limo home. HOLLA!

 
Someone who will embarass themselves on the dance floor even more than you.

 
Someone who will allow you to share your cultural customs with her.

 
Someone who is not afraid to reject your public displays of affection.

 
Someone who has identical taste in hair styles.

 
Someone who will discuss world politics with you
when you're dressed like a "blooming" idiot (get it?).

 
Someone who truly understands the meaning of giving you a shoulder to cry on, giving you the freedom to be yourself, giving you wings when yours are broken, giving you love when it is nowhere to be found, and giving you a margarita (or 2 or 3 or 4) to ease your mind and make you smile.


Feliz Cumpleanos, Aleesha!

Here's to officially being closer to 30 than 20.
Yikes!
You're Old!
Oh sorry....did I say that out loud?

Be Honest....Is It The Lips?

Mother of a friend:  "Cute picture! But I didn't know you were friends with any black girls."

Friend:  "She prefers to be called African-American, Mom!



Dear Dancing Queen,

Please start tanning so in future pictures we look similar in complexion sparing my friends from having awkward conversations with their parents! Thanks in advance!

Your Loving Sister,

Big Boca Bob

Never Bet A Titty Baby

Question of the Day..........

How many are in a Baker's dozen?

Tip of the Day.........

Don't bet Titty Baby on the answer.


The llama lost.

(NOTE: You may want to turn down the sound before pressing play. The scream of a llama can cause partial deafness.)

For those of you wondering.......

The llama guessed 12.

Yes.

She molds the minds of America's children.

It's days like this that I'm proud to be a Mexican.

(Next week's lesson? A two word spelling test. Flower and flour.)

Possible Explanation For Why Dogs Attack Me When I'm Running

If you see this image of a girl standing in the street outside your home, I am either

A. Preparing to land a 747 in your driveway

OR

B. Just out for my late night jog

Let me explain.......I hate the sound of my own breathing. Especially around mile 4 when it becomes ridiculously annoyingly loud. It makes me feel like I am dying a slow death. Therefore, I chose to purchase the very unsafe-for-street-running noise-reducing headphones to block out the sound of my journey to the afterlife. To make up for the fact that I could easily be run over by traffic behind me because I am unable to hear the missing muffler, I chose to purchase the reflective vest notifying drivers of my presence.

Make sure to look for me on Hot-or-Not.com.  I'll be in the hot category. Obviously. 

SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY NEWS REPORT

We interrupt this completely overrated holiday to bring you some VERY EXCITING NEWS!!!!

Some news that almost caused an incident comparable to the "Big Boca Bob's boobs meet face incident" of January '08. I should have been forewarned prior to being told this very exciting news that it would be a double sports bra day. My body is not used to the extra movement.  My back still hurts, but it must be noted that news this exciting really does call for "jumping" with joy.

I give you the most memorable Valentine's Day Card I have ever received!

Titty Baby and CareBear are going to be parents!

That's right, folks! Though law enforcement personnel advised him otherwise, Titty Baby is reproducing. CareBear is already a glowing mother-to-be and I am anxiously awaiting September so I can dote on the little one.  Titty Baby took responsibility for naming the unborn, and unfortunately the little peanut of a child is currently being called Gunther. Let's hope CareBear is awarded the title of name-giver for when the baby actually makes its presence in the world. Until then......Gunther it shall be.

Upon hearing the news, I took it upon myself to create visuals for the parents of what Gunther might actually look like.  Those of you who have not experienced the exciting world of morphthing.com are truly missing out. I spent an entire evening morphing the oversized mug of Titty Baby and the adorable face of CareBear in order to create "The Face of Gunther"

Well Titty Baby and CareBear.......let's just hope this website was having a few technical difficulties when creating the face of your unborn child. I am not providing you with these photos to cause a frightful panic. I am just preparing you for what you might actually see come September.

I give you......BABY BOY GUNTHER


OR BABY GIRL GUNTHERETTE


See CareBear.....your fears of having a red headed child seem minuscule now. Instead your fear can now skip straight to having alien-like babies complete with blurred hairline. In all reality, though, I'm kinda diggin' baby boy Gunther. He's got potential.  Keep in mind. As parents, you are required to love this child unconditionally even if it does pop out with four eyes and a tail. Good News! Pseudo-Aunt Big Boca Bob (pending big diamond ring) adores anything with a tail. Gunther will be truly loved.

Note: This blog will be consumed with Gunther updates over the course of the next 7 months. Deal with it. Babies are cute and therefore deemed blog-worthy.

CONGRATS TITTY BABY AND CAREBEAR!!!

Remind me to stay away from you this summer. I foresee much subconscious hormonal "attitude" stemming from the Gunther household.

I Guess You Could Call It a Pity Titty Blog

So how about them Packers, huh? Even though I didn't get my Superbowl Halftime Proposal that I'd been not so subtly hinting towards for the past couple of weeks, I ended the day happy enough when the Pack ran off the Stadium Field holding the glorious Vince Lombardi trophy. Those boys in green and gold were forced to pull through for me since Officer Bob neglected to fulfill all my hopes and dreams. There's always next year, right?

While enjoying the game, it was brought to my attention that I have been a little lackluster in my blogging and the feelings of two individuals were hurt in the process. Let me rephrase......I had to listen to CareBear and Titty Baby bitch and moan that they did not receive their very own birthday blog post. What do they think I do? Sit around waiting for their birthdays to come along just so I have something to keep my busy. I don't think so, whiners! Unfortunately, both their birthdays fell on extremely busy days of the work week, and I was unable to multitask my creative blogging with reducing heart disease and diabetes in poor, innocent, novice exercisers. As a result of the begging and pleading for their own birthday post (okay so now I'm just being over dramatic), I have decided to offer a belated birthday blog post to the two lovebirds.  Sorry, CareBear and Titty Baby, but you're going to have to share the spotlight on this one. If I can't write individual posts for you on the actual day of your birth, you better believe I'm not giving you your own better-late-than-never post.

So here we go.................... 

Like Two Peas in a Pod

Enjoying life together one day at a time.












Like Two Amigos in a Taqueria








A great restaurante needs two partners in business and in life. Although one amigo might eat too many refried beans and share his explosive gas with the other.








Like Beauty and the Beast

One a refined lady (sometimes)

and the other.....well.....a little less refined.
But Titty Baby still holds the title of CareBear's enchanted Prince.







Like a Turd and Toilet Paper

One makes the mess and one cleans it up.

Guess which one's the turd.

Like Peanut Butter and Jelly

On whole grain bread and with a side of healthy cottage cheese and fruit. Right, CareBear?

Like a Rose and It's Thorn

This one gets tricky. I think the more opinionated of the two gets the title of the thorn on this one. And believe it or not, my nomination goes to CareBear. But a beautiful thorn to say the least. Plus Titty Baby needs a poke in the ass every once in a while.

Like Two Branches of Separate, But Fabulous Family Trees

One the pride and joy of her parents

and the other.....well....let's just say his mother DID NOT raise him that way.

Like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

 I hate to say it, but the Tweedle Dum in this case might not be the one you suspected. Contrary to popular belief, Pearl Harbor did not take place in Florida. A common mistake, CareBear.

The forces have brought together two unique personalities that combine to form one rockin', awesome, power couple. And today.......just a few days late.......I wish them both a VERY HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS TITTY BABY AND CAREBEAR!!!!

(age before beauty)

Are you happy now?!



Snow Me The Money!

For those of you without windows, a TV, or any need to have left your house over the last couple of days, let me bring you up to speed. Apparently Old Man Winter and Mother Nature had a bit of a lover's quarrel, and many of us unfortunate souls suffered for it. Snow wasn't the only thing to drastically fall during the Blizzard of 2011. My checking account also saw a quick decline due to the Snowpocalypse.

Two Personal Days From Work: $$$$$

Doctor's Bills For an Injured Back Attempting To Shovel This Crap: $0

(I love that Mama Dirt works for the doc. Hello free healthcare!)

Pain Meds/Muscle Relaxers for Aforementioned Injured Back: $18.83

(I forgot my damn insurance card!)

Hot Cocoa to Warm Up Officer Bob After He Took Over Shoveling Duties: $1.50

(He just looked so pitiful out in the cold....)

 

Window Cleaner To Clean The Windows that Reggie Is

Now Able to Stand and Lick Due To The 4ft Snow Drift: $4.29

Two Movie Rentals To Avoid Boredom: $6.00

Supplies Needed To Repair The Whole In The Wall

That Reggie Chewed Due To Cabin Fever:

Plaster: $6.99

Putty Knife: $2.00

Paint: $8.99

Fee For Service Snow Removal: $Check's In The Mail

(A Desperate Phone Call Made To Titty Baby and His Trusty Tractor.

The same Titty Baby that showed up at 7:00p.m. on Tuesday night

in the MIDDLE of the blizzard to start clearing a path in our driveway.

I'm sure his beard and mustache weren't the only two things to collect icicles.

This act in itself proves you aren't as racist as I thought you were, Titty Baby!)

Gas Station Pizza to Substitute Having To Actually Cook a Meal: $10.00

(Ten bucks for ONE damn pizza!

It isn't bad enough that gas itself costs an arm and a leg?

Just take another limb, BP! 

Who needs two arms anyway! I've already mastered holding a fork with my toes)

New Garage Door: $493.00

(The old one was never exactly fixed from a previous "car meets door" incident

(which I will never live down......thanks Titty Baby).

Blizzard winds and 15" of snow pretty much finished it off. R.I.P. Garage door.

You were a piece of crap anyway!)

Two Quiet, Calm, Drama-Free Days Spent In My Pajamas Cuddling with My Boys and Completely Ignoring My Half-Marathon Training:

Priceless.......