Miss America

There she is, Miss America

There she is, your ideal

With so many beauties she took the town by storm

With her all-American face and form

And there she is

Walking on air, she is

Fairest of the fair, she is

There she is - Miss America

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, DAISY DUKE!

I could not be more jealous of your legs in that outfit.

You truly are the ideal.

The ideal mother to your children.

The ideal grandmother to your grandchildren.

The ideal wife to your husband.

(Though, at times, he won't admit it)

And the ideal, All-American woman!

It has been a pleasure knowing you over the last 6+ years.

You have become a good friend, and I only hope that friendship continues.

Enjoy your birthday!

Remember.....after so many, you get to start counting backwards!

Commit To Get Fit!

On October 9th, I slowly jogged 26.2 miles (with a minor pit stop in the medical tent) and turned into a rock star when I crossed the finish line of my very first marathon crossing a HUGE line through a bucket list item I seriously thought I would never really succeed in completing. One would think I'm a super fit, lean, mean, running machine, right?!

WRONG!!!

Since the day I crossed that finish line, I have exercised approximately 0 days. Nada. Zilch. A Goose Egg.

I still use the excuse that I am STILL treating puss-filled blisters on the bottom of my foot from that dreadful day (which is totally true and totally disgusting), but just as the potential for me pursuing a career as a foot model is slowly slipping away so is the timeline for that excuse.

Pretty soon people are gonna ask my why I haven't engaged in ANY predetermined physical activity in over a month, and I will have to respond with - "Because I am a fat, lazy, slob with no desire to look presentable to the general population ever again!" While parts of this statement might be true, I can't have a career within the exercise science field while individually contributing to the obesity epidemic myself! I will have to resort to training people on how to loosen the seams in their shirts and insert elastic waistbands into dress pants rather than training to lose weight and build endurance.

Here's the story that started this all:

(I'm not going to tell you when or where this happened and who was in attendance because I am still slightly (greatly) embarrassed by said story.)

Ask any young girl about fads in fashion and many will respond with phrases such as "skinny jeans" and jeggings". For those of you like me who live in sweatpants and t-shirts, the word jeggings sounded like a made-up foreign language. Therefore, I turned to google for some insight.

Thank you, world wide web, for always being there for me when I need you. As a visual learner, I finally grasped the concept of this trend. The skinny, pretty, girls that wear their jeans/jeggings tucked into boots in the winter strutting down the sidewalk?! Yeah....I wanna be one of them.

So.....I ventured out with "the cool kids" to do some shopping in an effort to spruce up my wardrobe. After some convincing, I entered a dressing room with jeggings in hand to prove that I, too, can be one of the cool kids. I'm sure you can guess where this story is going. One leg after another I squeezed into the torture device with sounds similar to a hog in heat. There was quite a bit of grunting, huffing, and puffing that lead the poor individual in the dressing room next to mine to inquire if "I was ok in there?" Ever seen the documentaries on a sausage factory? The part where the pile of unknown meat gets shoved into the casing? Well I have. In the mirror that day at the mall.

I was finally able to praise myself when the jeggings made it up to the muffin top and the fat roll located around/near my naval spilled over the top. I reluctantly made the decision to not purchase the ridiculously dreadful attire and decided to take them off for return to the rack. However, this did not go as planned. The jeggings WOULD NOT peel away from my cottage cheese thighs. I scream to "the cool kids" for assistance...."HELP! I'm Seriously Stuck In These Things!" Do you think they help? NO! Do you think they pee their pants in laughter?! YES! Applications for new "cool kid friends" are currently being accepted.

This is where the plot thickens.

Do I

A: Wear them out of the store pretending it was my intent to purchase a new outfit for the day, anyway?

B: put my NORMAL PEOPLE jeans over the top of them, walk out of the store, and simply tell the clerk I need to test drive them before making a purchase?

C: Ask the poor, innocent, dressing room attendant for advice in how to remove my sausage legs from the torture device? This has to have happened before, right?!

or D: None of the above. Sulk in the dressing room for 15 minutes before becoming so infuriated that rage takes over my body and rips the jeggings from my body.

Answer: D

Note: I laugh at this story now, but it truly was one of the most traumatizing moments of my life.

And with all the information you just received, you are asking:

Big Boca Bob.....what are you going to do about all of this?

Well, my readers, I am devoting the next 90 days of my life to Tony Horton.

The man who created what I am only guessing will be "90 Days of H, E, Double Hockey Sticks" Officer Bob purchased p90x several months ago, told me it was quote "stupid" and never participated in the program. HOWEVER, after living through my "Jeggings Saga" I am bound and determined to see the end of this thing. And what is the reason I'm publicly posting this on my blog? Because this means, I CAN NOT FAIL. You have all been nominated as members of my accountability group.

The before pictures have been taken (under the guidance of Tony, of course). Yikes. These pictures are under lock and key unless something DRAMATIC happens over the course of the next 90 days. Today starts Day 1. In 90 days, if Tony does his job, I am going to confidently strut into that mall and purchase my very first pair of skinny jeans (eff the jeggings.....I'm pretty sure I will NEVER be ready for those).

Now, I extend this challenge to you. Let's spend the next 90 days together.

Who's with me?!

The Llama Finds Love

The Llama's toes are dull no more!

That's right! The Llama found a man, fell in love, and is on her way to wedded bliss!

Beau popped the question and The Llama said YES!

Hard to believe that just one year ago, I was posting personal ads for The Llama on this very blog. And now she has convinced him (payed off, threatened his life, etc.) that she is not only a beautiful, amusing, talented, lovable, gal but THE ONE to whom he would like to devote the rest of his life! WOW! She's good!

This is the story I got from Llama in Love today:

*(keep in mind I may have added by own details for comic effect)

The Llama had purchased tickets to witness the best professional football team play at the one and only Lambeau Field

(otherwise known as "The Best Place On Earth").

What I imagine the dialogue was like prior to departure:

Beau: Let's Go, Llama! We're gonna be late!

The Llama: "Hold on honey! Does this camo match green and gold?!"

Beau: "What the hell are you talking about, darling?! Camo goes with EVERYTHING! America!"

After arrival at the game, the twosome made all the tourist stops at

The Best Place On Earth.

One of those stops included the infamous Vince Lombardi statue.

Beau started to sweat profusely as they walked towards the statue, requesting The Llama take her place for her picture. P.S. It is pretty sickening how photogenic this girl is. Really. It is. As The Llama approached 'ol Vince, Beau politely asked the couple next to him to photograph one of the most memorable moments of his life (2nd to shooting his first buck, I'm sure).

What I'm assuming was dialogue with the mystery couple:

Beau: "Will you please take a picture of me and my girlfriend?"

Couple: "Of course! We would love to!"

Beau: "Make sure you take lots of pictures. I'm going to propose to her."

Couple: "Really? But she's wearing camo with green and gold!"

Beau: "I know! Isn't she beautiful! America!"

Beau held back the tears in his eyes, approached the woman of his dreams, got down on one knee, and you know the rest! I asked The Llama "What did he say?!" She responded with, "I don't know!" Now that is love! Totally lost in the moment, staring into each others eyes, overjoyed with happiness, love.

They cried.

 They kissed.

 They hugged.

 AND they celebrated a Green Bay Victory!!! GO PACK GO!

CONGRATULATIONS BEAU AND LLAMA!

Officer Bob and I could not be happier for the both of you.

 You make a beautiful couple,

 and I know for sure that you two were meant for each other.

We wish you all the happiness in the world as a couple in your new home.

Moral of the Story?! - Daisy Duke CAN NOT keep secrets.

It's A Sunshine Day

I think I'll go for a walk outside now

 (or later.....I ain't about to walk outside in this weather!)

the summer sun's callin my name

(in Australia....where it's actually summer)

(i hear ya now)

I just can't stay inside all day

I gotta get out. Get me some of those rays!

Everybody's smilin

 Sunshine Day

Everybody's Laughin

Sunshine Day

Everybody seems so happy today

It's a Sunshine Day!

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, MAMA DIRT!

Mother Nature must think it's opposite day.

Through the cold and the rain,

I still believe your bringin' the sunshine!

Oh....and in case anyone was wondering:

Yes. That middle picture shows Mama Dirt participating in the current craze.

Planking.

In the middle of a busy college campus.

TOTALLY embarrassing her youngest son.

One Word.

Awesome.

All Hallows' Eve: The Fun Factor Increases The Older You Get

The other day, I made the statement:

(and I quote)

"Someday I am going to grow up to be a mature adult. Today is not that day"

Is it just me or does Halloween get increasingly better the older you get? I remember the days of trick or treating having a blast running around town, filling up on an insane amount of candy, picking out which teachers' houses you were gonna hit up for the best selection, and totally crashing from the night's festivities around 9:00pm.

HOWEVER, as my age increases over the years, I must admit that my maturity has not. Halloween has officially become a night of dressing up in ridiculous attire, creating your own dance parties, playing alcohol-related games that I'm not so sure have any clear, concise rules, and hittin' the club in an effort to show up all the slutty 21 year olds who dressed up in as minimal clothing as possible. Question: Have you ever seen a mouse wearing knee high stockings and lingerie? I have. And they travel in packs.

Halloween 2011 did not disappoint in the area of "awesomeness." What could be more fun then spending the evening as Mexi-Pippi Longstocking (representin' Brown Town) challenging Jake and Elwood Blues to a rousing game of flippy cup while a bumble bee buzzes around the table showing off dance moves circa 1994? I find myself drawing a blank! - because there is absolutely NOTHING better!

The night only became slightly awkward when Jake and Elwood thought it would be appropriate to celebrate flippy cup wins with the occasional make-out. I never realized the Blues Brothers were so close! I'm assuming they left that part out of the story for a reason.

And then the party truly began when Elwood, Pippi, and Buzz the Bee totally annihilated the kittens, Lady Gaga's, butterflies, fairies, and every other totally overdone female costume of the year on the dance floor. I hate to brag but WE CAN bust a move! And damn do we look good doing it!

And as amazing as it was beating that poor little cheerleader in a Beyonce dance-off, nothing compares to the emotions I felt when receiving this picture via text message from Huracan.

That adorable baseball is the home of my future niece or nephew. Props to Mama B for joining in the Halloween fun! I may be a Cubs fan, but I am an even bigger fan of Baby Beans.