I Blame Our Parents

After this past weekend, I have noticed a large disregard for public decency stemming from both the immediate and extended Casa de Bob family.

Now I will have you know that a single incident did not lead me to this conclusion. There has been somewhat of an ongoing trend that yields this observation.

Let's start with........

"EXHIBIT A"

Day: Saturday (a few weeks ago)

Time: 8:00 am

Place: Casa de Bob

Description of Incident: The dogs have recently been on a very consistent potty schedule. I will have to admit that one of the ONLY pros to Officer Bob working 2nd shift is that the boys are let out to do their business around 1:00am allowing me to sleep in till at least 7:00 before they need to be let out again. It is safe to say that Officer Bob isn't exactly a morning person. "Most" of the time, you will see me bright and early out in the yard with the boys encouraging them to finish their deed (aka screaming, yelling, and doing everything but squeezing the crap out of them because it is too damn cold). I would also like to take this time to announce Reggie's new title as "Turd Burglar" The poor dog finds pleasure in taking a dump and hiding the evidence (in his mouth) GROSS! Any tips on ridding this problem are appreciated. BUT back to the topic at hand. The boys are still unable to distinguish the difference between the weekdays and the weekends. Keep in mind that my weekends are the ONLY time I get to sleep in. So.....when the dogs wake up early, I don't. I either A. consciously ignore the tugs at the bedspread, pretend I am asleep, and wait for Officer Bob to respond to their needs or B. fall so deeply into a stage of sleep that I am completely unresponsive.  On this particular day, I chose A. and Officer Bob was forced from his slumber to let the boys out. Now.....wouldn't you believe it, but as he was walking the dogs to the backdoor, my bladder called out to me, and I arose from my "fake sleep" to relieve it. After taking care of my own needs, I meandered to the back door to see how the boys were doing. When what to my wandering eyes should appear?

But a grown man in his underwear,
standing in the snow,
wearing my pink boots,
untangling Gilbert's chain from a tree.

I shook my head in embarrassment, but chose not to respond to my freakishly pale boyfriend's poor decision.

"EXHIBIT B"

 Day: Every December 25th since the day I was born

Time: Somewhere between 6:00 and 10:00am (depending on how long it takes us to wake up Osama Bin Father on Christmas morning)

Place: Mama Dirt and Osama Bin Father's

Description of Incident(s): Every Christmas, it is a Mama Dirt tradition for each child to pose with gifts from their stocking. Not just any gift........the underwear. And not just any pose.......the underwear on the head. I have 20 years of Christmas memories depicted through a variety of colors and definitely sizes of undergarments positioned appropriately over my dome. I will have to note that Officer Bob took to this tradition like Lindsay Lohan to rehab. It has become second nature, and he no longer even needs a reminder. I fear that these pictures will somehow surface at the most inopportune time, but for now they are hidden away in the dark depths of the Mama Dirt garage.

"EXHIBIT C"

Day: December 25th, 2010

Time: Approximately 10:00 am

Place: Casa de Daisy Duke and Grand Puba

Description of Incident: Officer Bob and I had prepared for the Christmas day festivities and headed over to Daisy Duke and Grand Puba's for our first family Christmas. However, upon entering the household, there seemed to be something quite peculiar about the the festive tree and stockings. It seemed as though the snowman decoration located near the stockings was wearing an extra garment. A garment children rarely add when decorating Frosty. This snowman was wearing a bra. A very cute bra, indeed. Apparently, Daisy Duke had requested this cute bra from Santa this year, and he rewarded her because she has proven to be such a good girl during the course of 2010. However, Daisy Duke's new gift would not fit in her stocking like planned so it was positioned over the snowman's lack of female anatomy.

"EXHIBIT D"

Day: December 25th, 2010

Time: Approximately 2:30 pm

Place: Mama Dirt and Osama Bin Father's humble abode

Description of Incident: After Officer Bob and I's somewhat late arrival (imagine that....haha) in E-wood, the stockings and presents were opened, Christmas hugs were given, and it was time for the Big Boca Bob side of the family to head to Grandma and Grandpa's for Christmas dinner. Make note of the time. Huracan, El Aguila, and Dancing Queen had still not changed clothes, brushed teeth, or combed hair. During the transition of yesterday's outfit to the Christmas day outfit, El Aguila was stepping into his very festive new boxers when these words were uttered from the mouth of Mama Dirt. "I dare you to run around outside in your underwear" Without skipping a beat, El Aguila replied "With no shoes or socks?". To which Mama Dirt replied, "Yes." Not but two seconds later, El Aguila was out the door wearing nothing but his Christmas skivvies. Fortunately for us, El Aguila's Mexican genes have created a somewhat "browner" complexion than that of Officer Bob and we did not go blind from the reflection off the snow. However, unfortunately for El Aguila, both Huracan and Officer Bob were positioned around the house preventing El Aguila from returning to the warmth of the less embarrassing indoors. The neighbors enjoyed the show as three grown men, one less clothed than the others, ran around the yard as the one less clothed screamed in pain from the cold. Officer Bob and Huracan relented when the cars passing by started to honk.

When friends begin to question my actions, please take note of this post. It is not my fault I am the way I am. I was bred this way. The genes have been passed down, and frankly, I can do nothing but embrace my genetic code. Unfortunately, Officer Bob has also received the embarrassing genome, and we have now found each other. It is possible for codes to skip a generation, but I fear that my children someday are royally screwed. I apologize in advance to my unborn children.

Sorry Its Not Wrapped

The diversity embracing members of the Casa de Bob family would like to wish all their family and friends a VERY Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and all that jazz. It truly is the time of year to thank the Lord for all His blessings and make sure to express gratitude and love to those closest to you.  Oh.....and also find it in your hearts to forgive Snooki for allowing the "poof" to be deemed as a completely reasonable hairstyle.

Since it is the time for giving, I have thought long and hard about what to get you, my faithful blog readers, for Christmas this year. Now keep in mind I'm no Oprah! There will be no cars, computers, useless gadgets, or inspirational books given away from this girl. Instead, I truly believe I have found the most perfect gift to share with you.

You may find this shocking, but Officer Bob has a hidden talent.  A talent that I have only recently been allowed to witness. And this year, he is allowing me to share this talent with you as a VERY special gift.

You are all the first to see an Officer Bob original piece of artwork.  He has dabbled in the form of marker and pencil, but I am releasing a never before seen crayon original. Please do not attempt to copy this piece of artwork. It has been secured under copyright law. However, if you are as impressed as I was, you may contact me for inquiries regarding pricing.

AND NOW.........

AS A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU ALL.............

THE UNVEILING OF AN OFFICER BOB ORIGINAL................

I GIVE YOU...................

"HEROES IN A HALF SHELL"

 
I would like you to note the abstract creativity in the lack of hands and feet, and the creative expression in giving the red-masked Raphael a third arm. Let it also be known that Officer Bob does not just leave a measly signature at the bottom of his masterpiece. Instead, he offers a beautiful photographic portrait of his adorable mug.
 
Share this with family and friends as once 2011 hits, this Officer Bob original is headed straight back to the Casa de Bob vault.
 

May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,

The gladness of Christmas give you hope,

And the warmth of Christmas grant you love.

8 Reasons Why I Am NOT a Grinch!

I have noticed recently that many of my posts have unintentionally (minus the UN) made me appear a bit Scrooge-ish. Hatred for the Illinois winter weather or not......I actually do know how to get into the holiday spirit. Mother Nature can't bring me down!

1.  After "some" convincing from my snow-loving boyfriend, I ventured out into the white winter dust to play with the pups. I will admit that I am sure Gilbert and Reggie loved this experience much more than I. But I will also admit that I had a little bit of fun myself! (For about the first 15 minutes until I could no longer feel my toes.) Note: I inherited the eff-you-cold-weather trait from Osama Bin Father. Bundle up, Pops! It's gonna be a LONG winter!

 2. The stockings were hung by the window (due to a lack of chimney) with care. Note: these stockings were purchased from the clearance bin at the Dollar Tree. Let's not go crazy here.

 3. The "donated from the grandparents" pre-lit christmas tree was plugged in. Note: there is a large stripe through the center of the tree that is not lit because I have about 10 million other things higher on the priority list than checking every flippin bulb to determine which one is out. Besides......I think the light-less belt makes the tree look thinner. Maybe I should decorate myself in strands of white lights and see if the same trick works for me!

 4. I have the Mama Dirt homemade wreath proudly displayed in my living room. Kudos to Mama Dirt for her wreath-making skillz. You go girl! That is one helluva bow!

5. I made the largest, most awkward, not-so-artistic clay pawprint ornaments with the boys. Let's hope the "christmas crafting skill" develops a bit more before motherhood. Note: another Dollar Tree clearance special!

 6. The Feliz Navidad singing chihuahua is displayed proudly on the piano. Note: Reggie either does not like A. fake, stuffed chihuahuas or B. Mexican music. Let's hope for A cuz if it's the latter he's gonna be screwed come Cinco de Mayo.

 7. The collection of Christmas cards has officially started and the display is started on the laundry room doors. Note: It REALLY weirds me out that I am starting to get Christmas cards from friends with pictures of their real human KIDS.  Kelly.....I'm talking to you and your 5-year-old-looking daughter. Can you please slow down the maturing process in that child?!

8. Apparently I have made an impression on someone who felt the need to create the following video to remind me that Santa is ALWAYS watching. By the way......will the creator of this video please fess up because I will lose sleep trying to figure it out and we all know how I need my beauty sleep. YIKES!

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/EqdEimzTs0fNcaxeCcMn4Q

Proof My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours

Friday was a rough day.
Long day at work.

Even longer drive home. (Thank you, Mother Nature)

HOWEVER.........

After arriving home, I find the following:

• Dishes washed, dried, and put away.
• Three loads of laundry washed, dried, folded, hung up, and put away.
• Family room and living room swept and dusted.
• Kitchen and dining room swept AND mopped.
• Couch vacuumed and cleaned.
• Dinner marinating.
• Dogs walked.
• Driveway and sidewalks shoveled.

Officer Bob sure knows how to turn my day around.

His day off was spent making my day better.

In case I don't say it enough.......

Thank you, Officer Bob.

I don't know how I got so lucky!