After this past weekend, I have noticed a large disregard for public decency stemming from both the immediate and extended Casa de Bob family.
Now I will have you know that a single incident did not lead me to this conclusion. There has been somewhat of an ongoing trend that yields this observation.
Let's start with........
"EXHIBIT A"
Day: Saturday (a few weeks ago)
Time: 8:00 am
Place: Casa de Bob
Description of Incident: The dogs have recently been on a very consistent potty schedule. I will have to admit that one of the ONLY pros to Officer Bob working 2nd shift is that the boys are let out to do their business around 1:00am allowing me to sleep in till at least 7:00 before they need to be let out again. It is safe to say that Officer Bob isn't exactly a morning person. "Most" of the time, you will see me bright and early out in the yard with the boys encouraging them to finish their deed (aka screaming, yelling, and doing everything but squeezing the crap out of them because it is too damn cold). I would also like to take this time to announce Reggie's new title as "Turd Burglar" The poor dog finds pleasure in taking a dump and hiding the evidence (in his mouth) GROSS! Any tips on ridding this problem are appreciated. BUT back to the topic at hand. The boys are still unable to distinguish the difference between the weekdays and the weekends. Keep in mind that my weekends are the ONLY time I get to sleep in. So.....when the dogs wake up early, I don't. I either A. consciously ignore the tugs at the bedspread, pretend I am asleep, and wait for Officer Bob to respond to their needs or B. fall so deeply into a stage of sleep that I am completely unresponsive. On this particular day, I chose A. and Officer Bob was forced from his slumber to let the boys out. Now.....wouldn't you believe it, but as he was walking the dogs to the backdoor, my bladder called out to me, and I arose from my "fake sleep" to relieve it. After taking care of my own needs, I meandered to the back door to see how the boys were doing. When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But a grown man in his underwear,
standing in the snow,
wearing my pink boots,
untangling Gilbert's chain from a tree.
I shook my head in embarrassment, but chose not to respond to my freakishly pale boyfriend's poor decision.
"EXHIBIT B"
Day: Every December 25th since the day I was born
Time: Somewhere between 6:00 and 10:00am (depending on how long it takes us to wake up Osama Bin Father on Christmas morning)
Place: Mama Dirt and Osama Bin Father's
Description of Incident(s): Every Christmas, it is a Mama Dirt tradition for each child to pose with gifts from their stocking. Not just any gift........the underwear. And not just any pose.......the underwear on the head. I have 20 years of Christmas memories depicted through a variety of colors and definitely sizes of undergarments positioned appropriately over my dome. I will have to note that Officer Bob took to this tradition like Lindsay Lohan to rehab. It has become second nature, and he no longer even needs a reminder. I fear that these pictures will somehow surface at the most inopportune time, but for now they are hidden away in the dark depths of the Mama Dirt garage.
"EXHIBIT C"
Day: December 25th, 2010
Time: Approximately 10:00 am
Place: Casa de Daisy Duke and Grand Puba
Description of Incident: Officer Bob and I had prepared for the Christmas day festivities and headed over to Daisy Duke and Grand Puba's for our first family Christmas. However, upon entering the household, there seemed to be something quite peculiar about the the festive tree and stockings. It seemed as though the snowman decoration located near the stockings was wearing an extra garment. A garment children rarely add when decorating Frosty. This snowman was wearing a bra. A very cute bra, indeed. Apparently, Daisy Duke had requested this cute bra from Santa this year, and he rewarded her because she has proven to be such a good girl during the course of 2010. However, Daisy Duke's new gift would not fit in her stocking like planned so it was positioned over the snowman's lack of female anatomy.
"EXHIBIT D"
Day: December 25th, 2010
Time: Approximately 2:30 pm
Place: Mama Dirt and Osama Bin Father's humble abode
Description of Incident: After Officer Bob and I's somewhat late arrival (imagine that....haha) in E-wood, the stockings and presents were opened, Christmas hugs were given, and it was time for the Big Boca Bob side of the family to head to Grandma and Grandpa's for Christmas dinner. Make note of the time. Huracan, El Aguila, and Dancing Queen had still not changed clothes, brushed teeth, or combed hair. During the transition of yesterday's outfit to the Christmas day outfit, El Aguila was stepping into his very festive new boxers when these words were uttered from the mouth of Mama Dirt. "I dare you to run around outside in your underwear" Without skipping a beat, El Aguila replied "With no shoes or socks?". To which Mama Dirt replied, "Yes." Not but two seconds later, El Aguila was out the door wearing nothing but his Christmas skivvies. Fortunately for us, El Aguila's Mexican genes have created a somewhat "browner" complexion than that of Officer Bob and we did not go blind from the reflection off the snow. However, unfortunately for El Aguila, both Huracan and Officer Bob were positioned around the house preventing El Aguila from returning to the warmth of the less embarrassing indoors. The neighbors enjoyed the show as three grown men, one less clothed than the others, ran around the yard as the one less clothed screamed in pain from the cold. Officer Bob and Huracan relented when the cars passing by started to honk.
When friends begin to question my actions, please take note of this post. It is not my fault I am the way I am. I was bred this way. The genes have been passed down, and frankly, I can do nothing but embrace my genetic code. Unfortunately, Officer Bob has also received the embarrassing genome, and we have now found each other. It is possible for codes to skip a generation, but I fear that my children someday are royally screwed. I apologize in advance to my unborn children.
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