The Cinco de Mayo Fiesta/Birthday post is going to be delayed because apparently the following story is WAY too funny (embarrassing) to not share...........
Today I went to the tanning salon.
Yes.....I realize I am Mexican.
Yes.....I realize Mexicans are typically darker complected.
BUT my skin shade will just NOT do on July 4th when I have to stand in a strapless orange dress on the beach next to my cracka of a friend on her wedding day. It just wouldn't be right for the Mexican Maid of Honor to be more reflective in the sun than the bride. Serving as the only form of diversity in the wedding party means I have to bring my "A" game.
I should mention now before this story gets too in depth that I am slightly claustrophobic. I say slightly because my inability to control my sweat glands in close quarters only happens on occasion and most of the time I can talk myself out of an anxiety attack. This information will be useful as the story continues......
So there I am.
Mentally preparing myself for the following 20 minutes in which I will
voluntarily lie in a movement constricting chamber under the glow of ultraviolet rays. I turn on the fans to make me feel as though there is slightly more air movement within the torturous capsule. I position myself in a manner that would allow for a quick getaway if my body/mind so chooses to reject the activity (i.e. hand on door with finger resting gently against the emergency turn-off)
And then.......
With the air of the fan brushing over me
and my incredible ability to call upon visual imagery,
I picture myself on the beach.
margarita in one hand and a good book in the other.
and I drift.......
To sleep.
The next moments can be more effectively described by the authors of Wikipedia:
There's a point in the beginning stages of sleep when you are still
relatively awake and alert. During this time when you are not quite asleep, you may experience strange and extremely vivid sensations known as hypnagogic hallucinations. Common examples of this phenomenon include feeling like you are falling or hearing someone call your name.
A NOT SO COMMON phenomenon during this time that Wikipedia unfortunately does not describe is the point at which you are
relatively aware that you are claustrophobic and stuck inside a VERY tiny space without the ability to move your limbs and run the risk of dying a very slow death due to suffocation in the burning heat of tanning bed light bulbs. This relative awareness causes another symptom which after hours (2 minutes) of research is found to be defined as a myoclonic jerk. My overly-dramatic response to the situation caused my myoclonic jerk to JERK my head directly into the made-of-glass very-hot-light-bulb encasing ceiling positioned exactly four inches above my face.
After the initial anxiety attack, I surprisingly quickly gain composure (must have been one helluva a book and one strong margarita) and reposition myself back into a relaxed tanning state.
However..........
The beads of sweat dripping across the bridge of my nose seem to be more of a nuisance than usual. More fluid-like and streaming much more quickly than I remember from past tanning experiences. Also slightly more red in color.
DAMN.
It isn't sweat.
It's blood.
My blood.
Streaming down my nose from the previous face-meets-glass incident.
Those damn cheap plastic space-age goggles they make you wear?
Apparently they can cause serious damage to your face when hit with a sturdy surface.
Word to the Wise: Don't use tanning goggles as protective head gear.
I make the decision to extract myself from the tanning bed in an effort to control the bleeding when I realize that not only did my claustrophobia induced myoclonic jerk cause damage to my face, but there is a LARGE crack in the glass of the tanning bed.
Close your eyes for a minute and just picture this scenario: A short, overweight, slightly brown woman holding kleenex to her face with one hand while trying to put on a shirt and pants (no bra, no underwear....way too difficult) with the other hand waddling out to the desk to notify the owner of the tanning salon that she fell asleep in the tanning bed, experienced a minor anxiety attack upon waking, and took it out on the tanning bed with her face.
Much to my surprise the tanning salon owner found the incident to be quite humorous and asked if she could call her mother to have me repeat the story to her over the phone. Do you think when she said, "Oh.....don't worry. It happens all the time" she was just trying to make me feel better about appearing to be a total whack job?
Anyone heading to said tanning salon:
BED #2 IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED FOR REPAIRS DUE TO MYOCLONIC JERK.
DON'T WORRY.....APPARENTLY IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
