Orange Glow?...Try Orange No!

Dear Orange Glow Paint,

I HATE you! I hate you, despise you, loathe you, detest you, and "any other form of the word" you. I have thought many times about punching you, kicking you, or even throwing you into a burning building. I would do so without a single ounce of remorse. Get the picture?!

It is such a shame that our relationship had to end up this way. I remember our first meeting in the paint aisle. I was dressed in my hot pink t-shirt, paint splattered 80's shorts, two mismatched socks and 5 year old tennis shoes. Still....though....you couldn't take your eyes off of me. I knew it had to be. It was practically love at first sight. I ignored the shades of blues, greens, and reds as I glanced over my choices. You and your clever sparkle captivated me, and I could only focus on you and how rad you would look in my fabulous new kitchen and dining room. You jumped off the shelf into my hand, and I couldn't let go. I wasn't sure how you would fit into my already established relationship with Officer Bob. I thought my affair with you might come between the two of us. However, much to my surprise, he let you in without a moan or grumble. He didn't even question my love for you. His understanding of your presence in my life made the decision final. I was taking you home where I could enjoy your bright, shiny face every day! We walked hand in hand out of the Lowe's store and I carried you all the way home. I even took a little piece of you everywhere I went. I told all my friends about you and shared stories about all my great plans for our future relationship together. I prepared the walls to the best of my ability to truly show off your radiance. I primed them TWICE just to show you how much you mean to me.

And then?! How did you treat me?! You cheated on me with the nasty brown paint you were actually picked to replace. You know what I heard? I heard that nasty brown paint is a whore and gets with all the other paint colors. You just couldn't let her go, could you? You broke my heart with your unwillingness to fully cover your new love. I can't believe you chose her over me? I couldn't even look at you on those kitchen walls with "the other paint" hanging around. I put in all those hours preparing for our relationship, and you just blow me off? How dare you?!

However, after we talked for a few hours, you explained you were terribly sorry for being so disloyal, and you wanted a second chance to prove your allegiance and love to me. I discussed your plea for a second chance with Officer Bob, and we agreed to let you back into our lives. This time, however, Officer Bob had his guard up and brought in the expertise of Mr. Lowe's man on how to deal with your infidelity. Mr. Lowe's man instructed us to spend even more money and time on the walls you would cover. I was hesitant, but I just couldn't stop thinking about you since the day we met, and I truly needed you in my life. Mr. Lowe's man told me that the only color the nasty brown paint whore wouldn't get with was gray-tinted primer. To show you how loyal I was to you, I brought in the gray-tinted primer to rid the whore from our lives. It was finally time for you to prove your love to me, so I once again gave you the chance to impress me with your radiance.

What's that?! You cheated on me AGAIN?! This time you left the nasty brown paint whore out of the equation and went straight towards the gray-tinted primer! What does she have that I don't have?! She's not even a real paint, dammit! She's a trashy primer that gets used by all the paint colors. I refuse to shed another tear over you. After this second bout of infidelity, I will have you know Orange Glow Paint, you are dead to me! NO....I will not listen to your pleas for forgiveness. NO...I will not give you another chance. I hope you are happy with your meaningless relationships with nasty brown paint whore and trashy primer. They will never make you as happy as I could have. We really could have had something, ya know?!

I am writing this letter as a formal termination of our relationship. You not only hurt me, but you also hurt Officer Bob. We have officially moved on. In fact, Officer Bob has found your replacement. And guess what?! It's your cousin in the Orange family! BOO YA! In your face, Orange Glow Paint! How does it feel to know that your cousin and I will be waking up to each other every day while you are still ridin' on every color you can get basking in your misery? I don't even care that my new love is named after a Disney character. "Get Goofy" and I will laugh every time we think of you and your stupid trashy whores.

IT'S OVER, Orange Glow Paint!

Sincerely,

Big Boca Bob