I HEART WEEKENDS

Weekend: two days of complete freedom from whining clients, sleeping in until at least 9am, and the possibility of actually spending quality time with Officer Bob

I truly heart weekends. After a crazy busy work week, there is nothing better than spending the day doing WHATEVER I WANT TO DO!

For example:
Activities of this past weekend included lounging around with TWO puppies and Officer Bob, carving pumpkins (a task Officer Bob is still complaining about half way through the following week), cussing at the poor excuse for athletes on my fantasy football team, showing off the newest member of the Casa de Bob family, and introducing friends to the rare species of tree located in the backyard.

Now tell me that doesn't sound exciting?!
(Okay so I realize I don't live the most adrenaline-pumping adventurous life)

 Can you tell Officer Bob was oh-so-excited to be participating in this fantastic Halloween tradition?! Somehow, he was "unfortunately" unable to finish carving his pumpkin before leaving for work. Yeah.....right.

 Good thing I came to the rescue to finish it!

Thanks to Kelly and Jamie for making the hike to Casa de Bob this past weekend!

Gilbert and Reggie loved their presents.  I apologize to Jamie for introducing Kelly to a puppy as I'm sure you've had to listen to whining, begging, and pleading for the past few days for one of your own. 

If she keeps bringing it up, have her refer to the following picture........

Who created this crazy system of having to deal with 5 days of stress before reaching a weekend anyway? Until my buddy Barack responds to my stern letters of disapproval of the 5:2 ratio, I guess I will just have to trudge through the work week.

On the agenda for this weekend?!.........Halloween parties galore!

I love this time of year!

Jumpin' Taxis and Takin' Names!

Now that I have had a full week to recover, I am able to relive the events from last Saturday without curling in a ball and crying from pain and embarrassment. I would first like to state that during this brief recap of the 2010 Men's Health Urbanathlon, please do not mistake my ranting as a form of hatred towards this race. I had a BLAST competing with over 7,500 "athletes" (I use the term loosely as I'm not so sure I can put myself in this category just yet) in the beautiful scenery of downtown Chicago, and I will most definitely be be doing it all over again next year. However, at times during the run and ridiculous obstacles, I may have thrown out a few cuss words or two. You will be receiving the edited version of my thoughts during the race.

Jesse, his wife Abbey, and her sister Ashley, picked me up at Casa de Bob for our weekend adventure.  I was already nervous for this race due to my lack of preparation and I immediately expressed my concern regarding the tortorous day ahead. I may be in the best shape of my life, but that does not deem me capable of competing in any race sponosred by "Men's Health"

Jesse and Abbey served as driver and navigator through downtown Chicago while Ashley and I rode comfortably in the backseat. Check-in took place at Hard Rock Hotel. We all forgive Abbey for the slight confusion between Hard Rock Cafe and Hard Rock Hotel.  It could have happened to anyone, and I for one enjoyed the scenery of the bustling city. However,every time I take a drive through downtown Chicago, it reminds me more and more why I chose to settle in a town of 1400. I am NOT a city girl.

After recieving our t-shirts and $60 not-so-goody bags, we headed to Baker's Square to carb-load for the race. Meals were selected carefully and we definitely made the right choice in avoiding White Castle sliders the night before the race.

Saturday morning came way too quickly.  It's not too often three girls can be dressed and ready in a half hour, but we weren't exactly going for looks here. Looking back at the pictures.......a little bit of makeup may not have been a bad idea. YIKES!

Pre-race Photos:

The face of the man above is the face of pure terror. Jesse was a veteran of this race as he had competed last year and was unable to move for the week following. He didn't exaclty instill any confidence in us three girls, but we forged ahead anyway.

In all honesty, I don't actually remember alot of the race. The scenery was BEAUTIFUL, and I truly enjoyed running down Lakeshore Drive in amazing weather. This may come as a surprise to you because I have never TRULY ENJOYED any long span of running. Trust me.....I couldn't believe it myself! I have done my best to remember the good, and block out the bad. However, I understand that is not nearly as entertaining to read. So.....I have prepared a short bullet list of memorable moments during the race.

• I informed Jesse I was not a "talker" when I ran. However, the lack of Ipod and his blabbering mouth turned me into a liar. I actually engaged in conversation the majority of the run. Looking back, this was a great choice as it kept my mind from thinking about how ridiculously hard I was breathing.
• I apologize to everyone in the vicinity of Mile Marker #5 for the cussing rant when the out-of-shape cramps mixed with the menstrual cramps and I honestly thought my life was coming to end. Thanks to the man who ran head first into the light pole for offering me some comic relief. I really needed it.
• Marine hurdles are ALOT taller than you think. The pamphlet said there would be three. There were NINE. After my upper body refused to cooperate anymore, I politely turned to Jesse to ask for a small boost.  Fortunately, no man can turn down a whining, menstruating woman.
• I HATE MONKEY BARS! Who would have thought the hardest part of the race would have been the effing monkey bars? I must note that these were not your ordinary school playground monkey bars.  These were the most ridiculous manly gorilla bars I have ever seen! I watched Jesse scale them no problem, closed my eyes, and prayed to the heavens for some assistance. Unfortunately, God must have been busy that morning because with only two rungs left, I hung there.....and hung there.....and cussed.....alot.......and then?......I fell. I jogged with my head down to the penalty area and completed my 25 push-ups in shame before moving on. Failure is not my thing. I will be competing in next year's race with one goal in mind. Make those monkey bars my b*&%#.

And then.....the END! Where I picked up my medal and paraded around as a kind-of-runner who barely made it through the day mixed with exceptional athletes who train all year for this. I thank my fellow competitors for making me do this. I am proud. I would like to take this time to brag and thank those who have supported my healthy transition over the last 8 months. Congratulations to myself, Abbey, Ashley, and Jesse. WE DID IT!

Also thanks to Mexico for creating the delightfully delicious Corona beer. It served as a GREAT form of hydration following the previous torture.

AND NOW......THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT OF THE DAY.......

Who was waiting for me at the finish line? Who stopped me to congratulate me on my finish?

The love of my life.........

A.C. SLATER

I was walking around, minding my own busines when our eyes met. He stuck out his hand to wave, and my heart melted. And then he spoke....."Congratulations" - the most poetic word I have ever heard. I could not speak. He is beautiful. My life is now complete. Thank you, Albert Clifford. You are a beautiful man and made the torture of running and sadly failing monkey bars by exhausting every muscle in my upper body TOTALLY worth it.

Next up? Half-Marathon!

Huracan......El Aguila......I'm talking to you!

A Family of........Four?!

Okay......so I would first like to report that I am alive.

This was questionable on Saturday at approximately 8:30 a.m. when I was ready to throw myself in Lake Michigan rather than take another step towards the never ending finish line of the 2010 Men's Health Urbanathlon. However.....I opted to surge forward only because my junior high love, Albert Clifford Slater (reference Saved by the Bell) was waiting to take me into his arms at the finish line. Details regarding the race from hell will be given at a later date for both the sanity of Big Boca Bob and you, the reader. I need to recover before posting five minutes of curse words.

On a completely different note, I would also like to report that I officially lost the battle.

Let me introduce you to 5lbs of cuteness packed into an adorable little fluffy four-legged creature.........

The 6-week old fourth member of the Casa de Bob family.........

REGGIE WHITE

Officer Bob and I rescued baby Reggie Sunday morning, and he has most definitely made his presence known in the Casa de Bob household.  Unfortunately, prior to his rescue, little Reggie was not well cared for. He was in immediate need of a bath upon arrival at his new home, and his big brother Gilbert offered to help.

The welcoming committee even came all the way from E-wood to spend some quality time with the pup. A BIG THANKS to Mama Dirt, El Aguila, and Dancing Queen for making the trek to visit with us.

Gilbert, of course, needed some love as well. Trust me....he HAS NOT been deprived of attention since baby Reggie arrived. Has has made sure of that!

Special Note #1: Mama Dirt is not bowing her head in disgust of her two youngest children (not saying that it hasn't happened before) She absolutely REFUSES to have her picture taken. After multiple attempts, this is the best I could do.

Special Note #2: No worries. I have already addressed the issue of my brother's unwillingness to shave. He believes the "hairy" look is necessary for a yet-to-be-mentioned Halloween costume. However, I believe he is only contributing to the dirty Mexican stereotype. Unfortunately, I am told that Halloween is followed by "No-Shave November" and his condition will only get worse before it is remedied.

After the oohs and awws over the new addition to the family, we all settled down for movie/homework/fantasy football updates time. Mama Dirt taught us to multi-task, and we have become quite efficient at it thanks to the discovery of the world wide web.

Special Note #3: Photos like this are what make my family so "special" Five dollars to the individual who comes up with the best caption for the ridiculousness that is occurring above.

Gilbert is a natural in the role of big brother. He does not take his new responsibilities lightly, and he is very adamant about showing Reggie the ropes. He even shared a piece of his rawhide with his bro. It doesn't take much to make these two happy. They get that from their father.

However, we knew the first-day excitement would only last so long. This may be due to the fact that Reggie has discovered his new brother's tail!

Gilbert is such a sweet big bro and lets him play for a bit before finally showing him who's boss.

I think it's safe to say that Reggie has already learned his place in Casa de Bob. We all play by Gilbert's rules.

Those of you who were special enough last year to receive the infamous Green Bay Packer Christmas Card are in for a real treat this year! I'm already working on outfits for Reggie and Gilbert. Officer Bob is not looking forward to the photo shoot.

Sunday's excitement ALMOST made me forget about my inability to move due to soreness. That was until Reggie took his first crap on the carpet and I cursed him for not only using my red carpet as a restroom facility but also forcing me to squat down and clean it up. My cries for sympathy from Officer Bob were unsuccessful. Big surprise there! Little does he know next year he's competing with me!

I Thought They Said "Rum"

Tomorrow is THE day.

Race day.

Otherwise known as F-day.

As in "why the eff did I sign up for this?"

A friend sent me the following photo for encouragement with the tagline

 "I hired the same photographer to take pictures of you during your run"

If this is a joke......

I'm not laughing.

To makes things clear:

At NO time during the Men's Health Urbanathlon will I look like this for the following reasons:

1. I may not hide it well (as stated in a previous post), but I am Brown.
2. After rummaging through my closet for an appropriate outfit for tomorrow's race, I opted NOT to go with my red halter top and black bikini bottoms. A girl of my size attempting to jump over taxis and crawl under street barricades must dress for function instead of fashion. It's a shame that extra-large heavy duty sports bras (thats right....I said bras. I have to wear two), baggy t-shirts, and paint-stained running shorts aren't styled on the runway because I pull them off quite nicely.
3. I have NEVER had this smile on my face while engaging in activity. Don't get me wrong.....exercise is fun (sometimes), but who really enjoys it this much?! Apparently size "0" models who lack the ability to sweat.
4. My belly button is real.

 The photographer will have his work cut out for him, and at best, may pull off something more like this......

Running is fun, right?

Ask me that tomorrow.

Bloggable Moments From The Past Week That I Am Too Lazy To Expand On......

• Officer Bob has taken this whole R&B thing to a whole new level.  We have now entered the Boyz II Men genre. Thank you to the previous owners of my house who installed a completely necessary under-the-cabinet kitchen radio on which I have pre-programmed all songs associated with twang and yee-haws.

• My baby turned TWO! Hard to believe the puppy we picked up from the shelter is now a 100lb. bed-hogging, blind-chewing, hair-shedding small horse. However, my Officer Bob-less evenings at home would not be the same without the companionship of my loving child, Gilbert.  Too bad the Pack couldn't come away with a win to celebrate your birthday!

• Speaking of furry friends.....I was "THIS" close to Officer Bob bringing a sibling home for Gilbert. What a great birthday present that would have been, right?! I have completely lost the fight. My gazing ball is broken, but I can guarantee that a new puppy will be at our house within the VERY near future. My new blinds are trembling in fear.........then again it could be the wind.

• Huracan Ramirez, El Aguila, and Big Boca Bob have OFFICIALLY stated full intention of training for the 2011 Chicago Marathon.  Contracts will be written up shortly for our fitness endeavor.  Word to my brothers....YOU MUST SIGN THEM because there is NO WAY IN HELL I am running this ridiculous race myself. Note to all readers: Could you throw in a prayer for my sanity when you sit down for dinner tonight?

• Dancing Queen is making GIANT strides in deciding what she plans on actually doing with her life post-graduation.  Officer Bob would like to take credit as her academic advisor assisting with calculus homework and life goals.  This is a lie. Period.

• The new grill works fabulously. There is no photographic proof, but Officer Bob is a great grill master! Thanks to friends who assisted in the consumption of all foods including burgers, brats, chicken, hot dogs, etc.

• Glee is by far my favorite television show of the week. I wish my life was a musical. (which hasn't been too far of a stretch lately with Officer Bob treating me to fabulous renditions of not-so-great song choices)

• High school friends make great company! Thanks to Kaiti, Nikki, Ericka, Mallory, and Liz for a fabulous housewarming party at Casa de Bob. I LOVE my pots and pans, festive halloween dish towels, and oh-so-cute mixing bowls.  However, I love my quality time spent with you even more. I only hope we can continue our sporadic get-togethers! Oh Yeah......T-shirt TIIIIIME.......Oh Yeah! (Btw Kelly, I will acknowledge your presence as you were there in spirit, but I am still fairly bitter that you are in Vegas winning millions of dollars and spending it on male strippers and cheap liquor. I live vicariously through you.)

The End.

The Twilight Zone

Day: Sunday, October 3rd

Time: 12:30pm

Place: Casa de Bob

Scene: Big Boca Bob, Officer Bob, and Gilbert are enjoying a leisurely Sunday laying on the couch (still in pajamas) watching my other boyfriend, Donald Driver, and the Green Bay Packers dominate the girdiron.

ENTER THE TWILIGHT ZONE...........

Officer Bob springs from the couch.
Channels his inner Usher..........

And breaks into a surprisingly on-key version of All My Life
by the not-so-much-well-known-anymore K-Ci & JoJo.
Dance moves reminiscent of the Bobby Brown era most definitely included.

Top 10 Things That Came to Mind:

1. Was it a full moon last night?
2. When the hell did my cracka boyfriend from the sticks start listening to R&B?!
3. I REALLY wish he was wearing a white scarf and gloves right now because recreation of the video would be EPIC!
4. He knows all the words to this song?!
5. TOUCHDOWN PACKERS! Doesn't he know the game is on?!
6. How in the hell does he know all the words to this song?! I don't even know all the words to this song.
7. It's officially time to invest in a video camera.
8. You really don't hear classic lyrics like this anymore......

Close To Me You're Like My Mother,

Close To Me You're Like My Father, 

 Close To Me You're Like My Sister,

Close To Me You're Like My Brother,

And You Are The Only One My Everything

And For You This Song I Sing....

     9.   If 5 years dating gets me a K-Ci & JoJo song, I'm not so sure I want to stick
           around for the 10 year spontaneous Officer Bob Musical.
    10.  I Heart You, Officer Bob.

LIKE A FINE WINE.......

Moving into the new house has offered me the opportunity (or should I say daunting, awful, time-consuming task) of sorting, organizing, and properly storing old photographs.

After careful review of the photographic documentation of our relationship, I think it is safe to safe that Officer Bob and Big Boca Bob have most definitely improved with age.

The "You're So Cute, Let's Hold Hands" Phase

 The "Effects Of College Living, Slightly Chunky" Phase

The "Got A Career, Got A House, Living Healthy" Phase

Father Time ain't got nuttin' on us, Officer Bob!

From the Mouths of Babes

I was recently asked to conduct a physical fitness course for humans of much shorter stature. I refuse to call them kids because for the most part, they are much more mature than I, and I would be insulting myself in doing so. And everything is obviously all about me. Duh.

The tinier versions of our species are perhaps the most adorable, affectionate, innocent, tell-ya-like-it-is, fun-to-hang-around-with tots that ever existed. For the most part, that is. I enjoy my role as babysitter, teacher, "best fwend", etc. because I never actually have to put on the dreaded "mother" hat when it comes to discipline, potty training, bedtime, eating vegetables, and so on. Therefore, in the eyes of a child, I am way cooler than all you Moms out there because I am simply not a Mom. For at least 10 more years that is.....just so there's no confusion regarding this.

Back to that "tell-ya-like-it-is" characteristic........During class, one of the little boys with piercing blue eyes dressed in his gangsta shorts and Air Jordans raises his hand to ask a question. I was confused as to what this question might be considering that all the farther I had gotten in my class introduction was "Hi.....my name is --"

I called upon the red-headed, fair-complected, albino child (trust me....this info will be important to know in the next few sentences) and he abruptly stated the following:

"HEY YOU! How come you are brown? You must go to the tanning place like my mom. I don't understand why being brown is so cool, lady! Dad says Mom thinks being brown means your prettier and she spends too much money turning brown and putting fake nails on. Do you think you're prettier just cuz your brown? Cuz I think white girls are just as pretty as brown girls."

The following were all options as responses to this young man:

#1. What the eff happened to diversity training in schools these days?! I'm Mexican you little shit. Let me guess.....you are an Irish ginger kid with no soul who spends his days drinking ale and harvesting potatoes. (sorry to my Irish friends....I tend to stereotype when I get angry)
#2. Brown? Really? You think I'm the color of poo? I'd like to think of it as more of a "bronze-ish-mocha"
#3. Go tell your fake brown Mama that she needs to have an important discussion with you regarding what NOT to say in public.
#4. I agree with ya kid! I know plenty of white girls that are just as pretty as the brown girls. BUT.....the "brown" girls are naturally better at housework and landscaping thus making them better housewives. SO THERE!

So....what exactly did I say to the kid?!

Nothing.

Why?

Because I lost bladder control laughing too hard, crossed my legs, and waddled to the potty room.

Suddenly all attention transferred from my poo-colored skin to my need for an adult diaper.

Keep laughing kids.....
Cuz this brown-skinned, diaper-wearing lady will soon become your run-till-you-puke fitness nightmare.

Fitness Corner with Bob

Contrary to popular belief, all twenty-four year old Hispanic, female, fitness managers with degrees in exercise physiology, who personal train and teach group aerobics in their spare time DO NOT enjoy being called out on various fitness-related tasks. If you couldn't guess from the very general description of the individual described in the previous sentence, I am talking about ME!

I have had a very poor tendency over the years to never back down from a dare or challenge especially when said challenge is proposed by a muscle head of a man who goes by the nickname "Gorilla Face" or "G-Face" for short. This is not a joke. I promise. If you are a visual person, please reference the picture below.

G-FACE CHALLENGE OF THE DAY?!.............5 HAND-STAND PUSH-UPS.



The egotistical self-centered male meat-head would indeed select an activity that is physically designed for the male body.  I called upon my extensive knowledge in the field to explain to the audience of young gentleman the muscular structure of the male upper body as opposed to the female upper body. In other words....."I ain't got no pipes, no guns, or no pythons!" I got a Mexican badunkadunk and tree trunks for thighs that deem me incapable of the "challenge of the day." However.....they were having none of it and demanded I attempt the dreaded hand-stand push-up.

I'm sure you are all waiting for some grand, triumphant victory story of how I successfully completed the hand-stand push-up and watched all the men weep in misery as they bowed to the superior gender.

Sorry girls......

First attempt at a hand-stand push-up?........Epic FAIL!  We'll just call it a hand-stand face-plant instead.

BUT.....you know me! If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Well I tried and tried, dammit, and I will have you know that I COMPLETED the G-Face Challenge of the Day!

5 hand-stand push-ups? Check!

G-Face Challenge of the Day For Tomorrow?............Pee Standing Up.

Don't test me guys.

The First of Many Lasts

This weekend, I made the trek back to E-wood for Dancing Queen's very last grand finale ultimate supreme Senior Homecoming. This marks the very last time I will serve as hairstylist/makeup artist for a homecoming dance. Comments regarding Dancing Queen's maturity and grown-up glitz and glam look were most definitely made, but all I could think about was.....When did I become the shortest member of the family? Damn.

While burning my fingers with the curling iron and cussing at the thickness of this girl's gorgeous locks, I opted to bring up some very important questions.

Me: So.....what are you going to do when you graduate?

Dancing Queen: Ummm.....I don't know.

Me: Have you applied to any schools?

Dancing Queen: Ummmm.....no.

Me: Do you like (a particular teacher who shall remain unnamed)?

Dancing Queen: Ummmm.....no. She's a bitch.

This girl, ladies and gentleman, is the future of America. We are still working on that whole "life goals" thing. Right now the focus is more on the tight-pant wearing football hotties from the opposing team's sidelines. And this is the reason I love my sister whole-heartedly. She's cute, she's spunky, and she is in absolutely NO hurry to grow up! The world could really learn a thing or two from this chica.

I would now also like to thank Officer Bob for his creative photography skills.  The buzz of high school girls and mom's with cameras may have been less-than-entertaining for Officer Bob because when I retrieved my camera to approve the digital documentation of the day, this is what I got.

Officer Bob and Huracan have lost all future photographer privileges. I'm sure this is not exactly a disappointment for them.

Of the many unnecessary photos taken, I was able to save a few good ones for your viewing pleasure.

I realize this was not MY homecoming dance, but Officer Bob knows that anytime we share a day off and a camera is around, photos will be taken. I have to have visual proof that we actually do spend time together.

NOTE: This picture did not undergo any editing.
Huracan is actually that tall. His height scares people. This amuses me.

Start Diggin' My Grave Now.......

In exactly one month three extremely dumb, pumped-for-a-challenge,

mentally insane girls will do the following.......

RUN.

Jump through tires and run over balance beams.

RUN SOME MORE.

Jump over and crawl under police barricades.

(hopefully a hell of alot less than what is pictured here)

RUN SOME FREAKIN' MORE.

Crawl under a cargo net.

Jump over marine hurdles.

Navigate over/through a stack of cars.

(who comes up with this shit?!)

PICK MY DIGNITY UP OFF THE PAVEMENT OF NAVY PIER AND

ATTEMPT TO KEEP RUNNING..........

Complete a set of monkey bars

(a task I couldn't even do in grade school - ugh!)

RUN SOME BLEEPIN' MORE.

Climb the effin stairs of effin Soldier Field - Home of the effin enemy

 (what's that? up and down for an effin mile?! whose idea was this?!)

QUESTION MY SANITY.

RUN. RUN. RUN.

Jump over taxis.

Climb over a bus.

Jump over a 9 foot wall.

DIE.

It's been a great 24 years everyone!

At least I'm goin' out on top!

On top of a stretcher that is......rolling down Michigan Avenue......

At least I have two girls rollin' with me.

Please pray for us.

Dog For Sale ----- REAL Cheap!

#1. Gilbert is an awful interior decorator.

I've replaced 5 sets of blinds since Tuesday.

Note to Officer Bob: Roll up the blinds before leaving for work.

#2. Houdini may have been reincarnated into a 100 lb sneaky, too smart for his own good, lab/retriever mix.

Looks like an average window, right?

WRONG.....

it is the excape route of the small horse we call Gilbert.

I come home from work expecting to be picking up another broken set of kitchen blinds (enter curse word) when I'm surprised to find Gilbert has disappeared. After further investigation, it was discovered that Gilbert is not exactly a magician. He left evidence of his escape.

No worries....he was found.

DAMN.

Big Boys Play Dress Up Too!

Mark the date. This past Saturday. That beautiful summer/fall-ish day. Officer Bob and I officially moved in to Casa de Bob. It's been a long month of hard work, and there is PLENTY left to do, but I finally declared the house "livable" and we are here to stay. Good thing I have a loose definition of the term "livable". I am unable to do laundry or watch cable, but clean clothes and reality TV are apparently overrated. My priorities have been a little skewed throughout the renovation process. In fact....I sent Officer Bob to the cable company to get us set up today BEFORE hooking up the dryer. I don't care if he's the stinky kid at work as long as I am able to watch Teen Mom!

During the moving process, it was discovered that Officer Bob really had no idea the depth of his own closet. After pulling out what we thought was the last bit of clothing, Officer Bob stumbled upon this getup.
According to Grand Puba, this was the style "back in the day" when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and fire was yet to be discovered. Grand Puba may not be a fashion icon but I thought he was better then looking to Clint Eastwood as a role model. Apparently the "flasher" coat is called a duster, and both Officer Bob and I received a lesson in the proper styling of this unfortunate fashion mishap. Grand Puba shared stories of the "glory days" when he was able to chase and leap after the bad guy wearing his trusty duster. In my opinion, these so-called "bad guys" were most likely running in fear that Grand Puba would either A. Peddle a watch from his stash or B. Attempt to mount them horsey-style as this duster was specially designed for. It's a good thing Grand Puba spent his days working in law enforcement because he always had an escape from the fashion police.
I also have a theory regarding Officer Bob's career choice. After watching all the fun he was having playing dress up with his daddy, I am certain this was not the first time this has occurred. I have no doubt these two used to spend time playing cops and robbers forcing both of them into a lifetime working in the criminal justice system. Poor Gilbert was even roped into the fun serving as Officer Bob's trusty steed. Gilbert may be the size of a small horse, but I would not include "trusty" as being one of his strengths. Officer Bob's steed would soon leave at the first sign of a bacon-flavored treat.
There you have it folks....playing dress up is no longer a hobby for four year old girls or Victoria's Secret models. Big boys play dress up too! (Before you go getting all defensive, Officer Bob, the term "big" refers to your age and not your size.) I'm just not sure, however, that the cowboy-ridin' tough guys wore Puma tennis shoes. Maybe we can put some spurs on those puppies.

Side note: This is where my boys slept the first night at the house. I learned my place pretty quickly. Big-screen TV....Gilbert...then Big Boca Bob. I knew what I was getting into, and I am not surprised. At least I get my own shoe closet, right?

Hola. Me Llamo Dora.

I'm still adjusting to the fact that I now have friends with children old enough to talk, interact, and understand the basics of conversation. By "adjusting" I mean I get totally weirded out every time I am asked to actually hold a conversation with one of these miniature people. In my mind, they should still be spending their days eating, crying, pooping, and sleeping. OK....who am I kidding? That's how I spend my own days with the addition of working between the eating and crying. I have watched these little babies mature into real-life human beings each with a unique little personality that just astounds me. But the theme of this story is not about my growing sense of uneasiness every time I see these kids engaging in adult conversation. It is rather about the creative parenting techniques of my dear friends. I can only hope when I have children (in the very distant future) that I am able to respond quickly with ingenious methods of discipline and persuasion.

The following is a conversation held with my friend, Kelly, after she found difficulty persuading her daughter into putting on her big-girl panties and using the big-girl potty. I was sitting at my desk at work when the phone rang......

Me: Hey Kelly!

Kelly: Hi Dora!

Me: What?

Kelly: HIII DORA!

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Kelly:(with frustration and emphasis) YOU'RE DORA, RIGHT?!

Me: Sure....whatever. (If you haven't guessed it by now, I'm not too quick on subtle hints. You've really got to spell things out for me.)

Kelly: Audrina will not put on her big-girl panties and use the big-girl potty, and I told her Dora does. I told Audrina I knew Dora, and I would call her so Dora could tell Audrina herself.

Me: Hi Audrina! Dora ALWAYS wears her big-girl panties and uses the big-girl potty so you better do what your Mom says.

Kelly: Dora, don't you speak SPANISH?!

Me: Oh yeah...crap. Audrina, you necesita to put on your nina grande panties and use the nina grande potty. (enter rolling laughter from Kelly and Audrina's grandma in the background)

Kelly: Thanks Dora! Audrina, say bye to Dora.

Audrina: Bye-bye Dowa.

I am now certain of two things:
1. My "rough" cameo appearance as a Nickelodeon cartoon character will NEVER cast me a role as a Dora impersonator.
2. I will most likely stick with the old "Put your big-girl panties on or you're going to your room without TV" tactic because this conversation was way too much work.

Kudos to you, Kelly, for your incredibly imaginative and effective parenting skills.

Note: Thanks to Kelly for supplying me with my Halloween costume idea this year. I will rock a Dora costume better than every other Mexican girl with a backpack. I mean...there is a striking resemblance right?