#burritobeat2015 Day 43

Dinner date with Mom and Dad! Mealtime was preceded by the decision-making process of purchasing hard wood flooring and walking away from the store with much lighter pockets. We hope you enjoyed dinner out on the town, Bobbie Burrito, because the family will be living off of Ramen noodles indefinitely. Sidenote - who wants to volunteer to help a few novice homeowners with a not so little flooring project? We pay in beer, pizza, and hugs.

Summer Fun and Work Stress is NOT Conducive to Creative Blogging

Wow. Two weeks?

Has it really been two weeks since my last post?

I apologize to all the ADORING fans (*ahem* people who read this blog to feel better about their own lives) for the total lack in blog posts. The title of this post pretty much sums it up. I am totally taking advantage of the fact that Officer Bob is temporarily working day shift with every other weekend off by spending every waking moment I can with him - which he totally hates by the way (and I love completely annoying him with pointless stories just because he is home.....and he has no choice but to sit and listen.) I am also working some odd hours at the J.O.B. trying to cram in as much educational opportunity as possible (because the boss says I have to......obviously)

All in all......blogging has not been my most recent Numero Uno priority.

However.......I. Am. Back.

Holla!

Here's what you missed.......

• It pays to know extremely strong, good-looking, studly men to call when completing home projects such as fence-building...BUT in the off-chance that "those men" are not readily available, it also pays to know these guys.

 A HUGE, GINORMOUS, MEXICAN THANKS to Titty Baby, Rink, and Drewbug for taking time away from their busy lives to help construct an incredibly stable and awesome fence in record time. Even though I ended up with more concrete in my hair than in the ground.

 On a positive note, it did serve as a hairspray replacement for the following week.

I owe you boys big time, and I promise I will repay the debt if you ever need any landscaping done yourselves. I was born a professional, ya know.

• Reggie has now destroyed TWO, count 'em 1-2, couches at my house. After daily plea to rid our house of the demon dog, I have finally given up. I will now refer to him as Officer Bob's dog and refuse to throw down any scraps of dinner in his presence. When ya have a tummy full of couch stuffing, I hardly think you need table scraps to wash it down. Obedience training has been written into next year's budget.......correction: Obedience training has been written into Officer Bob's budget. I will be purchasing extra shoes and purses to mourn the loss of my most favoritest couch.

• Working with adults diagnosed with dementia proves to be a daily challenge. A challenge I continue to meet head-on. I pray for patience, compassion, and strength in my abilities to assist with such a terrifying disease.

• I recently took my car to my new favorite auto mechanic for a quick tune-up/oil change and was more than elated with the outcome. Not for the car.....but for my personal quest towards future life events. Officer Bob was less than amused that the attendant combined my first name with his last name on the final receipt, and I failed to correct the poor employee. I, however, found it to be hilarious, highlighted the mistake, and posted it in it's permanent position on the refrigerator. I can dream, can't I?

• I miss my siblings. I realize we are all maturing into fine young adults, but would it kill you chicanos to call a sista?! I put alot of thought into your personalized ringtones, and I would appreciate you making good use of them.

• In case I haven't mentioned it before, MY boyfriend is better than yours. His days off are spent mowing lawn(s), doing dishes, washing, drying, and folding laundry, googling recipes and making culinary masterpieces for dinner, and listening to my crying voice repeatedly state how "bleeping stressed out" I am. Kudos to you for putting up with me, boyfriend. I heart you.

• Mama Dirt is one amazing tower of strength. I envy her and her scooter (flat tire and all) for her courageous efforts in allowing our family to survive. If there is but one thing I can inherit from her, I truly hope it is her will to survive. I am proud of you, Mama. Know that even if we don't say it often, your children are truly thankful for the efforts you've made to ensure we are healthy, happy, and driven for life success.

• Beans Blab - no new update. Baby is maturing well, I hope. (Refer to previous mention of my siblings not calling me......I NEED a jingle, Huracan!)

• Gunther Gab - Baby Gunther/Pebbles is a fiery little jumping bean and mama CareBear is cuter than ever. Thanks to the crew of soon-to-be Aunts and Grandmas, the baby shower invites have been cut, glued, and tied with bows. Favors are almost done and cupcakes have been taste tested. All duties have been designated, and now we just wait for the fun to be had.

• I am going to win the lottery.

• So I can buy my Harley.

• And a side car for Officer Bob.

Next blog will not be a two week wait. Pinky swear.

Orange Glow?...Try Orange No!

Dear Orange Glow Paint,

I HATE you! I hate you, despise you, loathe you, detest you, and "any other form of the word" you. I have thought many times about punching you, kicking you, or even throwing you into a burning building. I would do so without a single ounce of remorse. Get the picture?!

It is such a shame that our relationship had to end up this way. I remember our first meeting in the paint aisle. I was dressed in my hot pink t-shirt, paint splattered 80's shorts, two mismatched socks and 5 year old tennis shoes. Still....though....you couldn't take your eyes off of me. I knew it had to be. It was practically love at first sight. I ignored the shades of blues, greens, and reds as I glanced over my choices. You and your clever sparkle captivated me, and I could only focus on you and how rad you would look in my fabulous new kitchen and dining room. You jumped off the shelf into my hand, and I couldn't let go. I wasn't sure how you would fit into my already established relationship with Officer Bob. I thought my affair with you might come between the two of us. However, much to my surprise, he let you in without a moan or grumble. He didn't even question my love for you. His understanding of your presence in my life made the decision final. I was taking you home where I could enjoy your bright, shiny face every day! We walked hand in hand out of the Lowe's store and I carried you all the way home. I even took a little piece of you everywhere I went. I told all my friends about you and shared stories about all my great plans for our future relationship together. I prepared the walls to the best of my ability to truly show off your radiance. I primed them TWICE just to show you how much you mean to me.

And then?! How did you treat me?! You cheated on me with the nasty brown paint you were actually picked to replace. You know what I heard? I heard that nasty brown paint is a whore and gets with all the other paint colors. You just couldn't let her go, could you? You broke my heart with your unwillingness to fully cover your new love. I can't believe you chose her over me? I couldn't even look at you on those kitchen walls with "the other paint" hanging around. I put in all those hours preparing for our relationship, and you just blow me off? How dare you?!

However, after we talked for a few hours, you explained you were terribly sorry for being so disloyal, and you wanted a second chance to prove your allegiance and love to me. I discussed your plea for a second chance with Officer Bob, and we agreed to let you back into our lives. This time, however, Officer Bob had his guard up and brought in the expertise of Mr. Lowe's man on how to deal with your infidelity. Mr. Lowe's man instructed us to spend even more money and time on the walls you would cover. I was hesitant, but I just couldn't stop thinking about you since the day we met, and I truly needed you in my life. Mr. Lowe's man told me that the only color the nasty brown paint whore wouldn't get with was gray-tinted primer. To show you how loyal I was to you, I brought in the gray-tinted primer to rid the whore from our lives. It was finally time for you to prove your love to me, so I once again gave you the chance to impress me with your radiance.

What's that?! You cheated on me AGAIN?! This time you left the nasty brown paint whore out of the equation and went straight towards the gray-tinted primer! What does she have that I don't have?! She's not even a real paint, dammit! She's a trashy primer that gets used by all the paint colors. I refuse to shed another tear over you. After this second bout of infidelity, I will have you know Orange Glow Paint, you are dead to me! NO....I will not listen to your pleas for forgiveness. NO...I will not give you another chance. I hope you are happy with your meaningless relationships with nasty brown paint whore and trashy primer. They will never make you as happy as I could have. We really could have had something, ya know?!

I am writing this letter as a formal termination of our relationship. You not only hurt me, but you also hurt Officer Bob. We have officially moved on. In fact, Officer Bob has found your replacement. And guess what?! It's your cousin in the Orange family! BOO YA! In your face, Orange Glow Paint! How does it feel to know that your cousin and I will be waking up to each other every day while you are still ridin' on every color you can get basking in your misery? I don't even care that my new love is named after a Disney character. "Get Goofy" and I will laugh every time we think of you and your stupid trashy whores.

IT'S OVER, Orange Glow Paint!

Sincerely,

Big Boca Bob

Things I Learned This Past Week(end)

#1. Officer Bob should NOT let me hold anything with blades on it after a day of hard work at the house. When asked to simply even up his sideburns, I somehow took that as an opportunity to create my own interpretation of the task. Sorry about that, Officer Bob! I'm sure I won't be asked to fulfill the role of barber anytime soon. Hair grows back, right?
#2. It is apparently possible to vomit for almost 2 hours straight (liquid in/liquid out), sleep on the bathroom floor, and wake up fully recovered for work the following day. Officer Bob suffered from a 24-hour virus that left him snuggling with a pillow and blanket next to the porcelain throne. Daisy Duke at one point asked, "How long do you let some one vomit before you take them to the ER?" Answer - longer that 1.5 hours. Officer Bob is fully recovered and back to his upbeat, happy-go-lucky self.

#3. El Aguila is equally excited for football season as I. I'm still not sure if it was a great idea, but we have opted to upgrade our competitiveness for the season by entering the same fantasy league. IT'S ON!

#4. Homestead Resort Olive may look like a "shitty" color in the pan, but when it is beautifully painted onto family room walls, the room skyrockets in the ranks to become my favorite in the house. Officer Bob has narrowed down almost all the paint colors for the house, and he has outdone himself with this one. I knew I kept him around for something.

#5. DO NOT use GPS to get to my house. EVERY delivery truck has gotten lost on the the way to Casa de Bob due to this so-called advancement in technology. Apparently the GPS systems have not been updated to changes made in the heavy traffic layout of a town of 1200.

#6. A 12-day trip to Florida causes a young Mexican man to tan to a shade of dark chocolate. I have yet to see El Aguila in person, but if the following pictures are any form of visual proof, I would say that El Aguila spent every second of those 12 days laying on the beach soaking up the rays. I only make note of this because I.Am.Jealous.

#7. As much as I hate to admit it, I am one week closer to adding another member to the family. Every day, Officer Bob introduces me to a new pet found on a local shelter's website. He has even resorted to leaving the pictures up on the computer screen so I have no choice but to see the poor puppies' faces looking back at me every day. Each one says, "Adopt me, please?" I have lost all control and have officially thrown the white flag to Officer Bob. I would guess you will be seeing a post devoted to Gilbert's new brother/sister within the next couple weeks.

#8. Heat rises. Ok so I didn't just learn this, but I felt the effects of this phenomenon when trimming the highest point of vaulted ceilings. Poor Mrs E. knows what I am talking about as she too suffered through the heat in the name of succesful priming. Officer Bob and I truly appreciate your efforts, Mrs. E, and I have continued to mop drips of sweat off the dining room floor since you left.

#9. Officer Bob and I could should NOT go on the road with our own country singing stage show. After all helpers leave for the day, we blast the radio, and sing until 2am. I use the term sing loosely as its more of an attempt to keep up with the vocal stylings of Toby Keith, Zac Brown Band, and Brad Paisley. If you ever see free tickets given away for Country A La Bob, turn the other direction even if they are free. Trust me, your ears would be bleeding within the first five minutes of the show.

#10. 72 hours of paint fumes makes everyone a little delirious. That being said, Officer Bob does not have a future in modeling..........

Casa Makeover Weekend Extravaganza

I wasn't so sure how this weekend would kick off after having such a successful Casa Makeover Day 1. I was bracing myself for the worst as I was sure one if not many things would go wrong. It doesn't help that when it comes to home improvement, I'm about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt. I realize this goes against by continuing efforts to maintain an optimistic attitude. This is just extremely hard to do when you are covered in paint, sweat, spackle, and any other odorous product utilized when performing household improvements. Trust me, I could smell primer and bleach seeping from my skin during this morning's run.

Saturday morning, I met Mr. Sunshine bright and early who came to clean the carpets. I'm not sure if it was caffeine or crack in the Carpet Weaver's coffee machine this weekend, but this employee was a beaming ray of perkiness with an annoying need to smile and speak at about 100 decibals. Too bad I left my headphones and alcohol in my other pants because they would have come in handy when dealing with Mr. Sunshine. It must be said, however, that he was just as good at cleaning carpets as he was at spreading happiness to the world. My carpets look awesome, and I'm not saying that just because I get 20 bucks back if I send a referral. I was very pleased with the outcome. Thanks Carpet Cleaning Man on Crack!

I then had to fulfill the dreaded duty of waking up Officer Bob. This is not a task that should be taken lightly. I believe Officer Bob inherited the grumpy morning gene from Grand Puba. He grunts at anyone who speaks to him during the first hour his eyes are open and shuffles down the stairs with a "Leave Me The HELL alone!" attitude. Trust me.....Officer Bob is a force to be reckoned with at any time followed by the letters a and m. His attitude remained this way for the better portion of Saturday morning, and he even resorted to name calling as a result of it. By 11:00am, I had been referred to as a bulls***ter, a wussy butt, and a pouty face. I am not going to deny the fact that all these names were very true, but the namecalling was a bit unnecessary.

Once back to the house, the work resumed and did not stop for the remainder of the weekend. I was about as busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kickin contest. Progress is finally becoming visual and offering motivation to forge ahead. A home makeover is not an easy task, but my go-go-gadget mentality has made the days seem less stressful. So far, I have had to rely mostly on my go-go-gadget springs (when jumping to the highest point of vaulted ceilings to cover painting mistakes by previous owners), go-go-gadget respirator (to prevent me from inhaling fumes upon fumes of primer and paint, and go-go-gadget mallet (for when Officer Bob gets out of line). Unfortunately, the go-go-gadget naptime was broken and has been for the last two months. Just to show that work was indeed accomplished, I have provided you with more photographic proof.

Mrs. E washing windows And doesn't she look great doing it!

The PREVIOUSLY purple room. Goodbye Barney! Hello Wet Pavement!

(By the way....I want a job as a paint color namer. Easiest. Job. Ever.)

I have experienced several memorable moments over the past weekend, and as a conclusion to this post, I would like to share with you my top three favorites.

#3. Overhearing The Llama testing her skills as a cheerleading coach. Mr. and Mrs. E, Shorty, and Runt stopped by, and The Llama kept the girls entertained. However, I have some reservations about The Llama's future in the biz of cheerleading due to her choice of cheers. "Kick 'em in the left knee, kick 'em in the right knee, kick 'em in the weenie! Make a basket!" Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never seen A. A basketball game that involves "kicking" of other players - when did basketball become a contact sport? nor B. A group of junior high cheerleaders shouting the word weenie from the sidelines. I can't wait till Shorty and Runt show up for cheerleading practice to teach the rest of the squad what their Aunt showed them this weekend. Be prepared, The Llama.....you may be getting a few phone calls from other girls' parents. Better not quit your day job! (Although.....I bet you would look pretty cute in that uniform!)

#2. The satisfaction of actually seeing the words "Karma's a B*&%h" played out. Titty Baby and CareBear came over late one night to see the progress of the house. Titty Baby started off by sharing his interior decorating tips. He informed me that it would be a poor choice to place anything valuable below the steps in the entryway to the family room as an attendee of the first Cinco de Mayo fiesta who consumed one margarita too many may take a stumble down those stairs destroying everything in his/her path. Keep in mind that I'm pretty sure he was not referring to just any anonymous person but rather himself and he wanted to make sure he wouldn't be replacing anything too expensive come May 5th. I then began showing CareBear my favorite parts of the house. One of those consisted of the contents of my kitchen cabinet. I stated, "Look! My cabinet even has a lazy Susan!" (sidenote: I really am super excited about this feature because I, like many of my hispanic race, was not blessed with a tall stature, and I will now be able to reach ALL contents of this particular cabinet). The lazy susan comment was then followed by the following statement from the one and only brain-to-mouth filter-lacking Titty Baby. "No way! All my kitchen has is a Lazy CareBear!" The glare of CareBear at this moment would have pierced through steel, and Titty Baby knew he better shut his trap. However, this is Titty Baby we are talking about, and he lacks the ability to do so. Not but 30 seconds later, he then referred to his wife as "Thickburger" and the battle was on. Titty Baby took off into the family room faster than green grass through a goose and CareBear was on his tail, hand in the shape of a fist, and a look even El Diablo would run from. Little did Titty Baby know that Gilbert had used the family room earlier that day as his own water-slopping rehydration area, and the floor was covered in water/dog slobber. I was not present for the actual Tumble of the Titty Baby, but the sound itself was enough to vibrate the windows in every room. At this point, CareBear was laughing too hard to vocalize any remorse and Officer Bob and I ran into the family room just in time to see this........



A grown man wailing on the floor yelling "I think I'm broken!" Let's be honest. Not a single person in that room felt sorry for the Titty Baby as we realized at that moment that karma really is a b*&%h. Without skipping a beat, CareBear followed the fall by stating, "You better not put anything valuable in this area (while waving arms around the sulking Titty Baby still in position on the floor wailing in pain). Note taken, CareBear. Next time Titty Baby, try to use the brain-to-mouth filter we all know you've been hiding for the last thirty years. Let it be said. The Tumble of the Titty Baby will not be forgotten.

AND #1. Spending quality time with Officer Bob priming the spare bedroom at midnight, and hearing him use the phrase "our house" in a sentence. It's reassuring we are in this together. <3

Casa de Bob

The house hunt is over.
The dotted line is signed.
Officer Bob has reluctantly agreed to a life of poverty.
It's official.

Big Boca Bob and Officer Bob are HOMEOWNERS!

As mentioned previously, CareBear saved the day with her GIANT canister of Home Defense. This picture is not photoshopped. These alien spiders took over when the sun went down, and I was afraid to enter/leave the house with these eight-legged, steroid-taking, poor excuse for a living creatures lurking outside both the front and back doors. Luckily, CareBear has even a greater hatred for the species and I followed her around the house as she drowned them in chemicals shouting, "DIE SPIDER DIE!" I'm sure the neighbors now believe there is a mentally unstable woman moving into the neighborhood. The sound of doors being locked at the surrounding houses made me realize I may have not made the best first impression.
Turns out painting must be quite the workout. Five minutes into it, Officer Bob looked down to see Gilbert on the floor in this position. What I didn't tell him was I was doing the same thing in the empty spare bedroom. We were both tuckered out.
Even Gilbert got in on the painting action. He was responsible for retrieving the rollers for us. Anything to keep him busy!
I made Officer Bob snap this photo just to prove that I was working too.
Once again.....the purple walls are not staying. As much as I enjoy most things associated with the color (grapes, violets, jam, lavender, etc.), I still despise that singing dinosaur that's been haunting my dreams since childhood. I refuse to have the color of Barney splattered on any wall in this house. Officer Bob is a paining professional. I believe he is regretting ever telling me that he used to be employed by a painting business. Since divulging this information, several decisions have been made regarding how much painting will be done in the house. The list consists of EVERY ceiling, EVERY wall, EVERY piece of trim, EVERYthing. Poor Officer Bob. Luckily, I have become his apprentice and am quite the fast learner.
The following task was completed during the cries and whines of The Llama shouting, "I can't believe I'm cleaning somebody else's s$#t!
Daisy Duke hard at work cleaning the kitchen cabinets. Her cleaning skills are second to none. Mr. Clean has some competition with this one. Come to think of it......ever thought of shaving that head, Daisy Duke?
KitchenDining Room
Family RoomIt is going to be a LONG road, but we are ready for the challenge. Please pray for us as we have decided to paint every ceiling, every wall, and every piece of trim. And by we.....I pretty much mean I decided and Officer Bob agreed. You will find that is how most decisions are made between us. A BIG thank you to Daisy Duke, The Llama, CareBear, and Titty Baby for their help during CASA MAKEOVER DAY 1. Daisy Duke led the troops with (as The Llama would say) her cleaning nazi skills. Also thanks to to The Llama for performing duties underneath the ranks of Daisy Duke and serving as a great babysitter for Gilbert. And a special thanks to CareBear for saving the day with Home Defense spray at about 11:00pm last night when the spiders took over the front yard. CASA MAKEOVER DAY 1 was a success.

There are many stories to tell, but little time. For now, you will just have to be content with the less-than-mediocre photography until God grants me another 12 hours in the day.

Living Room

The turqoise walls are NOT staying. If you plan on coming over before this room is finished, remember to bring your solar eclipse goggles to protect your eyes when looking at these walls.