#burritobeat2015 Day 49

Woman Crush Wednesday! 

Shoutout to all these tias! What fabulous role models for our little Bobbie Burrito......keep it classy ladies!

Photos/Stories As Promised

Better Late Than Never!

Three Things

1. Getting married is like a 6 month constant party of fun.
2. My Matron and Maid of Honors are the best! :)
3. Mama Dirt rocks too.

Decorations for the bachelorette party were themed, raunchy, and abundant. No worries....I have refrained from posting MOST inappropriate pictures - and believe me when I say there were many.

 

Mama Dirt and Dancing Queen were in charge of fashion design for the evening, and I pulled off one heckuva rockstar bachelorette look thanks to their attention to detail and pristine sewing abilities.

 

Prior to dinner, I of course had to snack on a few appetizers. CareBear's words of wisdom - "they don't really taste like that."  



 

Unfortunately, I have absolutely no pictures from dinner although time spent at the restaurant far exceeded all other events of the night. Here's some highlights:

 

•  Cocktails were plentiful - delicious, flavored, multi-colored cocktails.
• Mama Dirt ordered the following item from the menu: “The Bastacolli” Sausage, meatballs, pepper and mushrooms in a rich marinara over penne pasta and baked with mozzarella and parmesan cheese. You eat it all and receive a Free Basta’s Tee Shirt!
•  Mama Dirt received an extra large take-home bucket of mostacolli and no tee shirt.
• Several talkative females surrounding a dinner table resulted in NO pause in conversation for a straight 2.5 hours.
• The waiter only spilled one bowl of pasta on the floor - pretty good when you consider the distraction of all the fine ladies surrounding him.

Following dinner, the ladies retreated to the party suite for a few phallic treats including but not limited to cake, cupcakes, popsicles, suckers, etc. Even Mama Gin got in on the action. (By the way....Mama Dirt must have had some rockin' party days because she can cook up some delightfully delicious jello shots with a special kick.)

 



 

Gifts followed dessert, and due to my family/friends incredibly inappropriate gift giving, I have no pictures for your viewing pleasure. What happened to the good 'ol days of lingerie gift giving? My family/friends instead chose to gift and RE-gift an entire collection of adult films featuring quite the diverse population of actors/actresses. The Llama should really spend more of her time molding the young minds of the girls she nannies and less time wasting money in the porn crane game at the local watering hole. 

Games Followed Gifts:

First on the list? Banana Ring Toss.

Despite this display of impeccable technique and form, I did not earn the title of Banana Ring Toss champion.

 

 Unfortunately for Liz, the hands-on-hip technique also did not result in victory.

 

 

I'm sure by now you have all noted the naked man in the background of the previous posted photos. Per tradition, the night included a rousing game of Pin the Junk on the Hunk.

 

A lack of blindfold resulted in Bob's Bachelorette Boa as a form of vision blocking. The Llama made a good move.

 

Mrs. E struggled slightly.

 

And Goldie walked away with the title. I think it was due to her "good luck" guide from behind.

 

Following games, the girls headed out for a little casino action. Monetary breakdown is as follows: Everyone lost money EXCEPT for the lucky mother of twins. She was lucky enough to survive delivery of two beautiful boys and her luck continued at the slots.

 

Following a depressing loss of finances, the girls headed back to a little relaxation and skin rejuvenation. It takes work to look this good.

 

A HUGE thanks to all those in attendance!

 

Only 13 more days until the real party starts!



So Here's What You Missed.........

Hot Mess Wedding Planners, Inc.

presents

 "A Llama Wedding"

I'm pretty sure it was the PERFECT day for an outdoor wedding.

 

Here's how it all went down:

 

Friday

Hot Mess Wedding Planners, Inc. arrives.

"The Help" unloads the trailer as the women get to work.

Decor placed, bows tied, chalkboards written, banners hung, hot mess escalated.

 

Saturday Morning

Hot mess ensues.

Lemonade spilled on linens.

Yours truly curses heavily.

More decor completed.

Flowers delivered.

Yours truly compliments florist about a zillion times on the

INCREDIBLE fall arrangements.

Boutonnieres pinned.

Yours truly pops a couple vicadin to cure broken foot.

Kegs tapped.

Hot mess escalated.

 

 

Saturday Evening

A beautiful woman escorted by her father makes her way down the aisle
 to the sound of the Big Boca Bob and El Aguila low-budget wedding band.

Groom's mother cries.

Bride's mother (and co-owner of HMWP, Inc.) breathes a sigh of relief.

 

The Llama and her man recite their vows as family and friends

whisper about the perfection of the day.

 

 A small make-out session follows.

 

 With a roar of applause,

the couple walk hand in hand for the very first time as a Mr. & Mrs.

 

 

 The newlyweds hop on a four-wheeler adorned with deer antlers

and drive off into the sunset.

#America

 

 Mr. & Mrs. Reid relish in their new start as a married couple as their son Dooley is slightly unimpressed with the lack of attention.

 

 Saturday Night

Hot mess reaches an entire new level.

Bar opens.

Two Mexicans and a cracka serve up alcohol.

Drinks are served and dinner is consumed.

Bets are taken as to whether CareBear would allow

Pebbles to be taken from her for an entire evening.

Betting stops.

Pebbles leaves in the arms of her Aunt Mrs.

Big Boca Bob wins TWO dance-offs.

Dancing Queen, El Aguila, Huracan, and Big Boca Bob

totally show everyone up during their impromptu sibling line dance.

The Llama requires restroom assistance in her wedding dress.

Big Boca Bob volunteers for dress holding responsbility.

Big Boca Bob compliments The Llama on her choice of

super cute "Sexy Bride" underwear.

Bartenders reduce to ONE Mexican and a cracka.

(Huracan discovers his skills are more suited for the dance floor)

 

The Llama and Beau ride off together on a

big yellow school bus.

 

CONGRATS, MR. & MRS. REID.

 

Your big day could not have been more perfect.

I have no words of wisdom for your married life together seeing as how it has taken me seven years to convince someone to even consider the idea of wedded bliss. However, if your wedding day sets any precedence for the years to come, I would say you are in for a beautiful ride together.

 

Love you both.

 

P.S. Hot Mess Wedding Planners, Inc. is NOT for hire for at least 6 months. Wedding planning is no joke.

 

 

 

My Name Is Big Boca Bob

And it has been two weeks since my last entry.


The Llama's wedding has jumped straight to the top of my "things to do" list. There are crafts to be completed, ribbons to be tied, candy dishes to be filled, musical duets to be rehearsed and one bride-to-be to keep stress free. The last item might become the most difficult to accomplish in the coming weeks.
Twenty-seven days and counting until The Llama becomes a Mrs., and if her bachelorette festivities last night serve as a preview for the wedding events, I can assure you it will be one heck of a camo sportin', ol glory drankin', cowboy boot stompin' party. Thanks CareBear for providing a fabulous girls night out and thanks Daisy Duke for providing most of the entertainment for the evening. :)

As my hobbies as a party planner, dance recital coordinator, and wedding diva become a full-time job, Officer Bob and the boys have felt a little neglected - and they aren't afraid to show that they are utterly unimpressed with my lack of free time.

Luckily, Officer Bob has stepped up to the plate to share a little extra quality father-son bonding time with the boys.

I honestly don't know what I would do without him..................





Oh wait......nevermind..........
I would sleep in my own bed!


Please excuse my part-time demotion of blogging on my priority list. I promise to move it up the list immediately right in between folding laundry and vaccuming the carpet I'm sure is hiding under days of dog hair.

Don't give up on me yet, blog readers! The fun is just starting!

Poor Pebbles

This past weekend, I enjoyed a nice trip a few miles up north to celebrate the soon-to-be Mrs. Llama at her bridal shower. Fun times were had by all, and although I have yet to take a look at all the photos snapped, I can assure you the bride-to-be looked as beautiful as ever.

Serving as Maid of Honor, CareBear supplied the games for the festivities. The "raid your purse" game produced many giggles as well as a moment of clarity for myself.

As I was not so graciously scavenging through my lady baggage in an effort to locate and/or cheat my way through the prepared list (I tend to be competitive), I located this little gem of a photo:

While there is no questioning the amount of love we all share for Pebbles, it became clear to me that this sweet little child is truly lacking in the area of "mature" female role models. This is evident in photo #3 above in which poor little Pebbles is clearly questioning the antics of her Gramma Poke and Aunt Big Boca Bob. I also believe in photo #1, she may be attempting a quick getaway from the "crazy" surrounding her.

I apologize for the radiating immaturity of the women in your life, Pebbles. However, there may still be hope that you won't turn out like one of the goons above. Perhaps the Mrs. or Mimi Daisy Duke can pull through for you. To save you much embarrassment in the future, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

How Could 24 Years Just Up And Walk Away?

She was in the backyard, say it was a little past nine

When her prince pulled up........a big pickup truck

Her folks should of seen it comin'. It was only just a matter of time
Plenty old enough............and you can't stop love.

Now her daddy's on his Harley just scratchin' and a rackin' his brains

How could 24 years just up and walk away?

Our little pony-tail girl growed up to be a woman

Now she's gone in the blink of an eye

She left her childhood behind and is ready to walk down the aisle

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, LLAMA!

I have seen you grow as a woman over these past couple of years,

and I am beyond proud that I will get to call you my sister someday soon.

Your personality lights up a room,

and come September 15th - you will finally have your moment in the spotlight!

It may have been a long journey,

but in year 24 you have truly found your happiness.

It may be hard to imagine,

but I wish you a 25th year of life as fabulous as the 24th.

The Llama Finds Love

The Llama's toes are dull no more!

That's right! The Llama found a man, fell in love, and is on her way to wedded bliss!

Beau popped the question and The Llama said YES!

Hard to believe that just one year ago, I was posting personal ads for The Llama on this very blog. And now she has convinced him (payed off, threatened his life, etc.) that she is not only a beautiful, amusing, talented, lovable, gal but THE ONE to whom he would like to devote the rest of his life! WOW! She's good!

This is the story I got from Llama in Love today:

*(keep in mind I may have added by own details for comic effect)

The Llama had purchased tickets to witness the best professional football team play at the one and only Lambeau Field

(otherwise known as "The Best Place On Earth").

What I imagine the dialogue was like prior to departure:

Beau: Let's Go, Llama! We're gonna be late!

The Llama: "Hold on honey! Does this camo match green and gold?!"

Beau: "What the hell are you talking about, darling?! Camo goes with EVERYTHING! America!"

After arrival at the game, the twosome made all the tourist stops at

The Best Place On Earth.

One of those stops included the infamous Vince Lombardi statue.

Beau started to sweat profusely as they walked towards the statue, requesting The Llama take her place for her picture. P.S. It is pretty sickening how photogenic this girl is. Really. It is. As The Llama approached 'ol Vince, Beau politely asked the couple next to him to photograph one of the most memorable moments of his life (2nd to shooting his first buck, I'm sure).

What I'm assuming was dialogue with the mystery couple:

Beau: "Will you please take a picture of me and my girlfriend?"

Couple: "Of course! We would love to!"

Beau: "Make sure you take lots of pictures. I'm going to propose to her."

Couple: "Really? But she's wearing camo with green and gold!"

Beau: "I know! Isn't she beautiful! America!"

Beau held back the tears in his eyes, approached the woman of his dreams, got down on one knee, and you know the rest! I asked The Llama "What did he say?!" She responded with, "I don't know!" Now that is love! Totally lost in the moment, staring into each others eyes, overjoyed with happiness, love.

They cried.

 They kissed.

 They hugged.

 AND they celebrated a Green Bay Victory!!! GO PACK GO!

CONGRATULATIONS BEAU AND LLAMA!

Officer Bob and I could not be happier for the both of you.

 You make a beautiful couple,

 and I know for sure that you two were meant for each other.

We wish you all the happiness in the world as a couple in your new home.

Moral of the Story?! - Daisy Duke CAN NOT keep secrets.

Tina! Come Get Some Ham!

18 Facts You Never Wanted To Know About Llamas

1. Members of the camel (camelid) family.

2. Twinning is rare. (How can something like this be duplicated?! Let's just say God made this decision for a purpose.)

3. Average weight is 250 - 400 lbs. (As an individual who has "lifted" this woman on several occasions, I can say this is so not true. But funny nonetheless)

4. Average birth weight is 18-35 lbs (Wow, Daisy Duke! That must have been one helluva birthing process!)
5. Babies are weaned at about 5-6 months. (I'll divert this one to Grand Puba who is still working on the "weaning" of his young llama after 23 years. How's that goin' for ya?)

6. Wool ranges from white to black, with shades of gray, beige, brown, red and roan between. It may be solid, spotted or marked in an array of patterns. (With the amount of allergies this one has, the description of spotted wool seems most appropriate.)
7. North American owners will find them remarkably hardy, healthy, easy to care for and virtually disease-free. (Two words.....Yeah. Right.)

8. They are environmentally sensitive. (Direct Quote: "Mom.....I will never live in a small town. There is nothing to do there." Environmentally sensitive? Yes.)
9. A conditioned llama can carry approximately 25% to 30% of its body weight, making a llama as strong, if not stronger, than a horse. (I totally believe this to be true.)
10. Great working partners and family pets. (Her family even allows pets to be in family pictures. They treat her like one of their own....how sweet!)

11. They have predictable, calm responses to new situations. (NOT true. Period)
12. Their intelligent, gentle nature allows even small children to interact with them. (Gentle? yes. Intelligent? questionable. TRIVIA - What does a conductor say before leaving the station? Answer: NOT "On Aboard!")

13. They have discrete bathroom habits. Their pelleted droppings, similar to a deer, are virtually odorless and are generally deposited in the communal dung pile. (Crapping with the door open is NOT discrete. Taking photos of your own feces and texting them to your brother-in-law is NOT discrete. As a former roommate, virtually odorless is not the term I would use. Wikipedia lies.)
14. They chew their cud like cattle and sheep. (That's more like it!)
15. These highly social animals need the companionship of their species. (Absolutely true!)

16. Their calm nature and common sense make them easy for anyone, even children, to handle. (Translated as "they have the same common sense as children")
17. They communicate with a series of ear, body and tail postures.

18. AND THE MOST TRUE OF THEM ALL...............Spitting is the llamas way of saying "Bug Off!" - most commonly to establish pecking order at mealtime.

And somehow,

even verifying most of the above information to be true,

we still love this adorable little llama.

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, LLAMA!

Wishing you a spit-free, pellet-dropping, cud-chewing birthday!

P.S. I am happy to announce that after numerous (absolutely zero) responses to the personal ad, some fool considers this lady dateable. We truly wish her soon-to-be nicknamed beau the best of luck! I'm not so sure he knows what he's getting himself into. One hint: Keep the fridge stocked with ham.