Tina! Come Get Some Ham!

18 Facts You Never Wanted To Know About Llamas

1. Members of the camel (camelid) family.

2. Twinning is rare. (How can something like this be duplicated?! Let's just say God made this decision for a purpose.)

3. Average weight is 250 - 400 lbs. (As an individual who has "lifted" this woman on several occasions, I can say this is so not true. But funny nonetheless)

4. Average birth weight is 18-35 lbs (Wow, Daisy Duke! That must have been one helluva birthing process!)
5. Babies are weaned at about 5-6 months. (I'll divert this one to Grand Puba who is still working on the "weaning" of his young llama after 23 years. How's that goin' for ya?)

6. Wool ranges from white to black, with shades of gray, beige, brown, red and roan between. It may be solid, spotted or marked in an array of patterns. (With the amount of allergies this one has, the description of spotted wool seems most appropriate.)
7. North American owners will find them remarkably hardy, healthy, easy to care for and virtually disease-free. (Two words.....Yeah. Right.)

8. They are environmentally sensitive. (Direct Quote: "Mom.....I will never live in a small town. There is nothing to do there." Environmentally sensitive? Yes.)
9. A conditioned llama can carry approximately 25% to 30% of its body weight, making a llama as strong, if not stronger, than a horse. (I totally believe this to be true.)
10. Great working partners and family pets. (Her family even allows pets to be in family pictures. They treat her like one of their own....how sweet!)

11. They have predictable, calm responses to new situations. (NOT true. Period)
12. Their intelligent, gentle nature allows even small children to interact with them. (Gentle? yes. Intelligent? questionable. TRIVIA - What does a conductor say before leaving the station? Answer: NOT "On Aboard!")

13. They have discrete bathroom habits. Their pelleted droppings, similar to a deer, are virtually odorless and are generally deposited in the communal dung pile. (Crapping with the door open is NOT discrete. Taking photos of your own feces and texting them to your brother-in-law is NOT discrete. As a former roommate, virtually odorless is not the term I would use. Wikipedia lies.)
14. They chew their cud like cattle and sheep. (That's more like it!)
15. These highly social animals need the companionship of their species. (Absolutely true!)

16. Their calm nature and common sense make them easy for anyone, even children, to handle. (Translated as "they have the same common sense as children")
17. They communicate with a series of ear, body and tail postures.

18. AND THE MOST TRUE OF THEM ALL...............Spitting is the llamas way of saying "Bug Off!" - most commonly to establish pecking order at mealtime.

And somehow,

even verifying most of the above information to be true,

we still love this adorable little llama.

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, LLAMA!

Wishing you a spit-free, pellet-dropping, cud-chewing birthday!

P.S. I am happy to announce that after numerous (absolutely zero) responses to the personal ad, some fool considers this lady dateable. We truly wish her soon-to-be nicknamed beau the best of luck! I'm not so sure he knows what he's getting himself into. One hint: Keep the fridge stocked with ham.