I Guess You Could Call It a Pity Titty Blog

So how about them Packers, huh? Even though I didn't get my Superbowl Halftime Proposal that I'd been not so subtly hinting towards for the past couple of weeks, I ended the day happy enough when the Pack ran off the Stadium Field holding the glorious Vince Lombardi trophy. Those boys in green and gold were forced to pull through for me since Officer Bob neglected to fulfill all my hopes and dreams. There's always next year, right?

While enjoying the game, it was brought to my attention that I have been a little lackluster in my blogging and the feelings of two individuals were hurt in the process. Let me rephrase......I had to listen to CareBear and Titty Baby bitch and moan that they did not receive their very own birthday blog post. What do they think I do? Sit around waiting for their birthdays to come along just so I have something to keep my busy. I don't think so, whiners! Unfortunately, both their birthdays fell on extremely busy days of the work week, and I was unable to multitask my creative blogging with reducing heart disease and diabetes in poor, innocent, novice exercisers. As a result of the begging and pleading for their own birthday post (okay so now I'm just being over dramatic), I have decided to offer a belated birthday blog post to the two lovebirds.  Sorry, CareBear and Titty Baby, but you're going to have to share the spotlight on this one. If I can't write individual posts for you on the actual day of your birth, you better believe I'm not giving you your own better-late-than-never post.

So here we go.................... 

Like Two Peas in a Pod

Enjoying life together one day at a time.












Like Two Amigos in a Taqueria








A great restaurante needs two partners in business and in life. Although one amigo might eat too many refried beans and share his explosive gas with the other.








Like Beauty and the Beast

One a refined lady (sometimes)

and the other.....well.....a little less refined.
But Titty Baby still holds the title of CareBear's enchanted Prince.







Like a Turd and Toilet Paper

One makes the mess and one cleans it up.

Guess which one's the turd.

Like Peanut Butter and Jelly

On whole grain bread and with a side of healthy cottage cheese and fruit. Right, CareBear?

Like a Rose and It's Thorn

This one gets tricky. I think the more opinionated of the two gets the title of the thorn on this one. And believe it or not, my nomination goes to CareBear. But a beautiful thorn to say the least. Plus Titty Baby needs a poke in the ass every once in a while.

Like Two Branches of Separate, But Fabulous Family Trees

One the pride and joy of her parents

and the other.....well....let's just say his mother DID NOT raise him that way.

Like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

 I hate to say it, but the Tweedle Dum in this case might not be the one you suspected. Contrary to popular belief, Pearl Harbor did not take place in Florida. A common mistake, CareBear.

The forces have brought together two unique personalities that combine to form one rockin', awesome, power couple. And today.......just a few days late.......I wish them both a VERY HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS TITTY BABY AND CAREBEAR!!!!

(age before beauty)

Are you happy now?!



Snow Me The Money!

For those of you without windows, a TV, or any need to have left your house over the last couple of days, let me bring you up to speed. Apparently Old Man Winter and Mother Nature had a bit of a lover's quarrel, and many of us unfortunate souls suffered for it. Snow wasn't the only thing to drastically fall during the Blizzard of 2011. My checking account also saw a quick decline due to the Snowpocalypse.

Two Personal Days From Work: $$$$$

Doctor's Bills For an Injured Back Attempting To Shovel This Crap: $0

(I love that Mama Dirt works for the doc. Hello free healthcare!)

Pain Meds/Muscle Relaxers for Aforementioned Injured Back: $18.83

(I forgot my damn insurance card!)

Hot Cocoa to Warm Up Officer Bob After He Took Over Shoveling Duties: $1.50

(He just looked so pitiful out in the cold....)

 

Window Cleaner To Clean The Windows that Reggie Is

Now Able to Stand and Lick Due To The 4ft Snow Drift: $4.29

Two Movie Rentals To Avoid Boredom: $6.00

Supplies Needed To Repair The Whole In The Wall

That Reggie Chewed Due To Cabin Fever:

Plaster: $6.99

Putty Knife: $2.00

Paint: $8.99

Fee For Service Snow Removal: $Check's In The Mail

(A Desperate Phone Call Made To Titty Baby and His Trusty Tractor.

The same Titty Baby that showed up at 7:00p.m. on Tuesday night

in the MIDDLE of the blizzard to start clearing a path in our driveway.

I'm sure his beard and mustache weren't the only two things to collect icicles.

This act in itself proves you aren't as racist as I thought you were, Titty Baby!)

Gas Station Pizza to Substitute Having To Actually Cook a Meal: $10.00

(Ten bucks for ONE damn pizza!

It isn't bad enough that gas itself costs an arm and a leg?

Just take another limb, BP! 

Who needs two arms anyway! I've already mastered holding a fork with my toes)

New Garage Door: $493.00

(The old one was never exactly fixed from a previous "car meets door" incident

(which I will never live down......thanks Titty Baby).

Blizzard winds and 15" of snow pretty much finished it off. R.I.P. Garage door.

You were a piece of crap anyway!)

Two Quiet, Calm, Drama-Free Days Spent In My Pajamas Cuddling with My Boys and Completely Ignoring My Half-Marathon Training:

Priceless.......

To My Role Model...............

Keep in mind the term "role model" is used loosely. You are my brother. You are the only sibling older than me. Therefore, I had limited options.........

To my "role model" in heroic conduct.............
(the one who taught me to be brave and courageous when being punished by Mama Dirt)

To my "role model" in fashion............

(next person to poke fun at my obsession with the 80's, please refer to the picture below)

To my "role model" in athleticism...........

(the 2nd team All-Conference punter (that's right.....I said punter. ha!) and the one who would run football plays with me while intoxicated on the bridge to Higgins Hall)



To my "role model" in tall stature..............

(the 6'5" man dropped the ball on this one. I stand an entire ruler's length below him.)

To my "role model" in Halloween costume selection............

(the one who once dressed as part of the film crew for a Girls Gone Wild video)

To my "role model" in maturity.................

(YEAH RIGHT!!!!.....I could barely type that with a straight face)

To my "role model" in Mexican Judo............

(Judo know if I got a gun! Judo know if I got a knife!)

To my "role model" in 21st birthday celebration...............
(the one who bought me my first legal shot and the one who laughed when I cringed in disgust)

To my "role model" in being the entertainer............

(the center of attention among family and friends. the one who can bring a smile to your face when he walks in the room)

To my "role model" in getting through stressful days at college...........

(the one who would ALWAYS take time to meet me at the Pace for a drink on any day that ends in the letter "y")

To my "role model" in life..................

(the one who will always be the one thing I need him to be - my older brother)

I will always learn from the mistakes made before me.

Feliz Cumpleanos, Huracan!

27 is the new 21!

I'm sure you will celebrate accordingly.

You Are Who You Are

You are the Dog to my Beth

• (Minus the monochromatic attire, mullet, and prison time)
• (Also minus the triple F bra size.....I may be well endowed, but my half marathon training would be ten times harder trying to jog with those lady humps hanging off my front)
• You are my protector. My shield of strength. My go-to-guy when I need to kick some a**

You are The Situation to my Jersey Shore House

• (Minus the six-pack abs, lack of respect for women, and horrible accent)
• You are my entertainer. Life is never boring with you around.

You are the Richard Gere to my Julia Roberts

• (Minus my ability to fit into a slinky dress and thigh-high boots and your status as a millionaire)
• (Oh......and minus that whole prostitution thing)
• You are charming. You are not-so-romantic, but you still know how to win a girl over. You try to make me classier......good luck! 

You are the Edward to my Bella

• (Minus the blood-sucking and skin glowing in the sun thing)
• You are quiet and mysterious at times. You are determined and very stubborn. You are very protective over me and put my welfare before anything else.

You are the Captain Von Trapp to my Maria

• (Minus my work in a convent-YEAH RIGHT! and seven kids - DOUBLE YEAH RIGHT!)
• You like to have order. You can be short at times, but with this charming way about you. You have a tough, quiet exterior, but melt my heart in the way you take care of others.

You are the Patrick Swayze to my Jennifer Grey

• (INCLUDING the physique, but minus the fact that I could never spend an ENTIRE summer with my family at a holiday camp)
• You've got moves. You can kill the dance floor (with the perculator). Our roles may have been switched. I was more the teacher and you more-so the student. However, you take control in every situation. Nobody puts me in the corner when you're around.

You are the Aladdin to my Jasmine

• (Minus the beggar/street urchin role and my being FORCED to live in a palace. And the pet tiger - though Gilbert comes close in size. Also minus the genie - if anyone knows where I can get one, let me know.)
• You sure are a "diamond in the rough" Even though you don't hold the title, you are my prince. Every day is a journey with you on our own magic carpet.

You are the Ricky to my Lucy

• (Minus the Spanish-speaking, tan complection, and "I'm Home" announcement every time you enter the front door)
• You put up with my naive and ambitious personality and my overactive imagination. I may get whiny at times, but you seem to love me anyway.

You are the Chumlee to my Pawn Shop

• (Minus the long hair, goatee, and inability to fully comprehend the worth of everyday items)
• You have a heart of gold and entertaining personality. People love you. I mean like EVERYBODY loves you. You sometimes can become the butt of my jokes, but you take it all in stride.

You are the Peter Parker to my Mary Jane

• (Minus the radioactive spider and ability to scale walls)
• You truly are a superhero and role model.  You have an amazing work ethic. You always put others before you and would do anything for those closest to you.

You are the Will to my Grace

• (Minus your affection for individuals of the same sex - I hope.........)
• You are my best friend. You know all my secrets. We talk about everything, and you are tied with Mama Dirt for the first person I call when I've had a bad day and just need to vent.

You are the Ray Romano to my Debra Barone

• (Minus the sit-com script and extremely over-bearing parents)
• You are funny. I mean really funny. You make me laugh every day. I look forward to the moment you come home after I've had a long day only because I know your quick wit will turn my day around.

You are the Finn Hudson to my Rachel Berry

• (Minus the high school drama but INCLUDING the spontaneous bursts into song)
• You are the jock and I'm the music nerd. You have the kindest heart always looking out for everyone's best interest. We are a rockin' couple and though your serenades may be a little off-key, I wouldn't dare turn one down.

You are the Officer Bob to my Big Boca Bob.

• And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Feliz Cumpleanos Officer Bob!

I would have hired a hot, sexy, vivacious woman to jump out of your cake.........
but I didn't want to get any frosting in my hair.

I Hate Vicadin

I have not died........

It was touch and go there for awhile, but I promise I am still kickin.

Now that I am able to once again sit up without screaming in pain (embarassing story to be told in a future post), the boys and I have geared up for the big game ahead!

GO PACK GO!!

Warning: Do NOT consume 6 pills (consisting of pain meds, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories at the same time) My iron stomach is apparently capable of downing tequila shots by the gallon, but give me a vicadin, and Im hugging the porcelain throne. Vomiting with a sprained back is NOT ok. There is no pain comparable.

PLEASE let the Packers win today to make up for the fact that I'm currently walking like a 90 year old woman.

I Should Really Invest In Bunk Beds

Just your average Sunday evening at Casa de Bob............

Where am I you ask?

Attempting to coax the the four-legged family members off the bed using basted biscuits.

Too bad Officer Bob was the only one to fall for my trick.

Turns out "basted biscuits" sounds alot like "tasty Triscuits"

Lesson learned.

Just kick the dogs.

P.S. Please disregard the mismatched bedding. Reggie relieved himself (in the liquid form) on the comforter, and this one was stolen from the guest bedroom. I'm no Martha Stewart, but my lack of a keen eye for interior decorating does recognize that something doesn't quite belong here.

Happy New Year (a little late)

I would like to say that my lack of blogging lately has been due to time spent cleaning the house, training for the half marathon (coming up sooner than I would like), or utilizing all my new cooking supplies courtesy of Mama Dirt. However, I regret to inform you that I have been lazy. Not just lack of energy, sorry Gilbert we can't go for a walk today lazy. I'm talking like lay in bed after coming home because my back aches, my feet hurt, and I have a pounding headache lazy. So......I am SNAPPING MYSELF OUT OF THIS FUNK!! This week has been devoted to training runs, healthy eating, and stress management and relaxation techniques. I am happy to report that days 1-2 have been uber successful. Please hold the applause.......Reggie shit in the house this morning and my stress management skills are still a little under developed. I do believe, though, that with a little time and lots of practice, I am on my way to starting each day with more pep in my step.

I would now like to segue into my New Year's blog meant to be posted approximately five days ago. Father time is sprinting these days. Doesn't he know I'm more of an endurance girl?

My transition from 2010 to 2011 was somewhat uneventful, but incredibly entertaining nonetheless.  El Aguila made the trip to Casa de Bob with his girlfriend (yet to be nicknamed) to ring in the new year with his favorite older sister. Sign #364 that I am aging - I call my underage, younger brother and his girlfriend to hang out with me on New Year's Eve.

Aren't they quite the attractive couple?

Theme of the night?

Games.

Fun Games.

While Officer Bob was still protecting the county from drug addicts and prostitutes, El Aguila, his girlfriend, and I started the evening with a fun round of Win, Lose, or Draw. I think it is safe to say that we ALL lack the artistic gene. It didn't help that the game was invented circa 1977 and my fancy TV could barely handle the state-of-the-art graphics. I don't really think there was a winner of this game. We all lose. Note the picture below.......three guesses as to what it is. And I am 99.9% sure that no one will guess correctly. Sorry yet-to-be-nicknamed girlfriend, but you are not the next Da Vinci.

Following Win, Lose, or Draw was a one-woman show on Wii Fit. El Aguila and I are very competitive siblings, and I would like to use this blog as my platform to gloat. I dominated EVERY game on Wii Fit setting new records and high scores. El Aguila sulked in his inferiority. Sorry, man, but yous gots to train fo' next year, bro!!  I not only served as Queen of the Wii, but I also took my role as videographer very seriously. Say hello to the hula hoop! (Which though not documented, I totally dominated. These Mexican hips FINALLY come in handy for something!)

By this time, Officer Bob arrived home from work and we rang in the new year with kisses and bubbly (minus the kisses). Officer Bob would not give in to my multiple requests.

12:01 hit and it was officially time to start the Zumba party! Thanks to CareBear I have become hooked on this game. Titty Baby and CareBear recently had us over for a Zumba party, and it was like giving David Hasselhoff his first beer. I was attached! As a result, I immediately drove to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase my own copy. For those of you who are unaware of the Zumba fitness phenomenon, I will not enlighten you with words. Instead I give you actual footage................

The topper on the night was Officer Bob agreeing to play as well. Keep in mind that the game does not involve running in place. This is just Officer Bob's interpretation of dance steps. See what I have to work with?

Eventually he got groovin' a little more, but I was only able to capture a still of his magic feet in action.

I know there is also secret footage of the one and only Titty Baby shakin' it in the name of Zumba, and as soon as I can get my hands on that video, you will have entertainment that could last a lifetime.

All in all......a fabulous time spent with fabulous people.

Happy New Year Blog Readers!

Here's to a happy, healthy, and one helluva 2011!