Miss America

There she is, Miss America

There she is, your ideal

With so many beauties she took the town by storm

With her all-American face and form

And there she is

Walking on air, she is

Fairest of the fair, she is

There she is - Miss America

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, DAISY DUKE!

I could not be more jealous of your legs in that outfit.

You truly are the ideal.

The ideal mother to your children.

The ideal grandmother to your grandchildren.

The ideal wife to your husband.

(Though, at times, he won't admit it)

And the ideal, All-American woman!

It has been a pleasure knowing you over the last 6+ years.

You have become a good friend, and I only hope that friendship continues.

Enjoy your birthday!

Remember.....after so many, you get to start counting backwards!

Commit To Get Fit!

On October 9th, I slowly jogged 26.2 miles (with a minor pit stop in the medical tent) and turned into a rock star when I crossed the finish line of my very first marathon crossing a HUGE line through a bucket list item I seriously thought I would never really succeed in completing. One would think I'm a super fit, lean, mean, running machine, right?!

WRONG!!!

Since the day I crossed that finish line, I have exercised approximately 0 days. Nada. Zilch. A Goose Egg.

I still use the excuse that I am STILL treating puss-filled blisters on the bottom of my foot from that dreadful day (which is totally true and totally disgusting), but just as the potential for me pursuing a career as a foot model is slowly slipping away so is the timeline for that excuse.

Pretty soon people are gonna ask my why I haven't engaged in ANY predetermined physical activity in over a month, and I will have to respond with - "Because I am a fat, lazy, slob with no desire to look presentable to the general population ever again!" While parts of this statement might be true, I can't have a career within the exercise science field while individually contributing to the obesity epidemic myself! I will have to resort to training people on how to loosen the seams in their shirts and insert elastic waistbands into dress pants rather than training to lose weight and build endurance.

Here's the story that started this all:

(I'm not going to tell you when or where this happened and who was in attendance because I am still slightly (greatly) embarrassed by said story.)

Ask any young girl about fads in fashion and many will respond with phrases such as "skinny jeans" and jeggings". For those of you like me who live in sweatpants and t-shirts, the word jeggings sounded like a made-up foreign language. Therefore, I turned to google for some insight.

Thank you, world wide web, for always being there for me when I need you. As a visual learner, I finally grasped the concept of this trend. The skinny, pretty, girls that wear their jeans/jeggings tucked into boots in the winter strutting down the sidewalk?! Yeah....I wanna be one of them.

So.....I ventured out with "the cool kids" to do some shopping in an effort to spruce up my wardrobe. After some convincing, I entered a dressing room with jeggings in hand to prove that I, too, can be one of the cool kids. I'm sure you can guess where this story is going. One leg after another I squeezed into the torture device with sounds similar to a hog in heat. There was quite a bit of grunting, huffing, and puffing that lead the poor individual in the dressing room next to mine to inquire if "I was ok in there?" Ever seen the documentaries on a sausage factory? The part where the pile of unknown meat gets shoved into the casing? Well I have. In the mirror that day at the mall.

I was finally able to praise myself when the jeggings made it up to the muffin top and the fat roll located around/near my naval spilled over the top. I reluctantly made the decision to not purchase the ridiculously dreadful attire and decided to take them off for return to the rack. However, this did not go as planned. The jeggings WOULD NOT peel away from my cottage cheese thighs. I scream to "the cool kids" for assistance...."HELP! I'm Seriously Stuck In These Things!" Do you think they help? NO! Do you think they pee their pants in laughter?! YES! Applications for new "cool kid friends" are currently being accepted.

This is where the plot thickens.

Do I

A: Wear them out of the store pretending it was my intent to purchase a new outfit for the day, anyway?

B: put my NORMAL PEOPLE jeans over the top of them, walk out of the store, and simply tell the clerk I need to test drive them before making a purchase?

C: Ask the poor, innocent, dressing room attendant for advice in how to remove my sausage legs from the torture device? This has to have happened before, right?!

or D: None of the above. Sulk in the dressing room for 15 minutes before becoming so infuriated that rage takes over my body and rips the jeggings from my body.

Answer: D

Note: I laugh at this story now, but it truly was one of the most traumatizing moments of my life.

And with all the information you just received, you are asking:

Big Boca Bob.....what are you going to do about all of this?

Well, my readers, I am devoting the next 90 days of my life to Tony Horton.

The man who created what I am only guessing will be "90 Days of H, E, Double Hockey Sticks" Officer Bob purchased p90x several months ago, told me it was quote "stupid" and never participated in the program. HOWEVER, after living through my "Jeggings Saga" I am bound and determined to see the end of this thing. And what is the reason I'm publicly posting this on my blog? Because this means, I CAN NOT FAIL. You have all been nominated as members of my accountability group.

The before pictures have been taken (under the guidance of Tony, of course). Yikes. These pictures are under lock and key unless something DRAMATIC happens over the course of the next 90 days. Today starts Day 1. In 90 days, if Tony does his job, I am going to confidently strut into that mall and purchase my very first pair of skinny jeans (eff the jeggings.....I'm pretty sure I will NEVER be ready for those).

Now, I extend this challenge to you. Let's spend the next 90 days together.

Who's with me?!

The Llama Finds Love

The Llama's toes are dull no more!

That's right! The Llama found a man, fell in love, and is on her way to wedded bliss!

Beau popped the question and The Llama said YES!

Hard to believe that just one year ago, I was posting personal ads for The Llama on this very blog. And now she has convinced him (payed off, threatened his life, etc.) that she is not only a beautiful, amusing, talented, lovable, gal but THE ONE to whom he would like to devote the rest of his life! WOW! She's good!

This is the story I got from Llama in Love today:

*(keep in mind I may have added by own details for comic effect)

The Llama had purchased tickets to witness the best professional football team play at the one and only Lambeau Field

(otherwise known as "The Best Place On Earth").

What I imagine the dialogue was like prior to departure:

Beau: Let's Go, Llama! We're gonna be late!

The Llama: "Hold on honey! Does this camo match green and gold?!"

Beau: "What the hell are you talking about, darling?! Camo goes with EVERYTHING! America!"

After arrival at the game, the twosome made all the tourist stops at

The Best Place On Earth.

One of those stops included the infamous Vince Lombardi statue.

Beau started to sweat profusely as they walked towards the statue, requesting The Llama take her place for her picture. P.S. It is pretty sickening how photogenic this girl is. Really. It is. As The Llama approached 'ol Vince, Beau politely asked the couple next to him to photograph one of the most memorable moments of his life (2nd to shooting his first buck, I'm sure).

What I'm assuming was dialogue with the mystery couple:

Beau: "Will you please take a picture of me and my girlfriend?"

Couple: "Of course! We would love to!"

Beau: "Make sure you take lots of pictures. I'm going to propose to her."

Couple: "Really? But she's wearing camo with green and gold!"

Beau: "I know! Isn't she beautiful! America!"

Beau held back the tears in his eyes, approached the woman of his dreams, got down on one knee, and you know the rest! I asked The Llama "What did he say?!" She responded with, "I don't know!" Now that is love! Totally lost in the moment, staring into each others eyes, overjoyed with happiness, love.

They cried.

 They kissed.

 They hugged.

 AND they celebrated a Green Bay Victory!!! GO PACK GO!

CONGRATULATIONS BEAU AND LLAMA!

Officer Bob and I could not be happier for the both of you.

 You make a beautiful couple,

 and I know for sure that you two were meant for each other.

We wish you all the happiness in the world as a couple in your new home.

Moral of the Story?! - Daisy Duke CAN NOT keep secrets.

It's A Sunshine Day

I think I'll go for a walk outside now

 (or later.....I ain't about to walk outside in this weather!)

the summer sun's callin my name

(in Australia....where it's actually summer)

(i hear ya now)

I just can't stay inside all day

I gotta get out. Get me some of those rays!

Everybody's smilin

 Sunshine Day

Everybody's Laughin

Sunshine Day

Everybody seems so happy today

It's a Sunshine Day!

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, MAMA DIRT!

Mother Nature must think it's opposite day.

Through the cold and the rain,

I still believe your bringin' the sunshine!

Oh....and in case anyone was wondering:

Yes. That middle picture shows Mama Dirt participating in the current craze.

Planking.

In the middle of a busy college campus.

TOTALLY embarrassing her youngest son.

One Word.

Awesome.

All Hallows' Eve: The Fun Factor Increases The Older You Get

The other day, I made the statement:

(and I quote)

"Someday I am going to grow up to be a mature adult. Today is not that day"

Is it just me or does Halloween get increasingly better the older you get? I remember the days of trick or treating having a blast running around town, filling up on an insane amount of candy, picking out which teachers' houses you were gonna hit up for the best selection, and totally crashing from the night's festivities around 9:00pm.

HOWEVER, as my age increases over the years, I must admit that my maturity has not. Halloween has officially become a night of dressing up in ridiculous attire, creating your own dance parties, playing alcohol-related games that I'm not so sure have any clear, concise rules, and hittin' the club in an effort to show up all the slutty 21 year olds who dressed up in as minimal clothing as possible. Question: Have you ever seen a mouse wearing knee high stockings and lingerie? I have. And they travel in packs.

Halloween 2011 did not disappoint in the area of "awesomeness." What could be more fun then spending the evening as Mexi-Pippi Longstocking (representin' Brown Town) challenging Jake and Elwood Blues to a rousing game of flippy cup while a bumble bee buzzes around the table showing off dance moves circa 1994? I find myself drawing a blank! - because there is absolutely NOTHING better!

The night only became slightly awkward when Jake and Elwood thought it would be appropriate to celebrate flippy cup wins with the occasional make-out. I never realized the Blues Brothers were so close! I'm assuming they left that part out of the story for a reason.

And then the party truly began when Elwood, Pippi, and Buzz the Bee totally annihilated the kittens, Lady Gaga's, butterflies, fairies, and every other totally overdone female costume of the year on the dance floor. I hate to brag but WE CAN bust a move! And damn do we look good doing it!

And as amazing as it was beating that poor little cheerleader in a Beyonce dance-off, nothing compares to the emotions I felt when receiving this picture via text message from Huracan.

That adorable baseball is the home of my future niece or nephew. Props to Mama B for joining in the Halloween fun! I may be a Cubs fan, but I am an even bigger fan of Baby Beans.



Seis.

In the words of Brian McKnight.........

(Because when I need to do some serious soul-searching

I turn to the greatest R&B singer of all time)

2005

2006

ONE

You're like a dream come true.

2007

TWO

Just wanna be with you.

2008

THREE

Boy it's plain to see.........

That you're the only one for me.

2009

FOUR

Repeat steps one through three

2010

FIVE

Make you fall in love with me.

_______________________________________________________________________

SIX

2011

$%&#....what are we supposed to do for six?

Brian McKnight never got that far.

What good is an R&B love song when your relationship

lasts longer than the lyrics.

Good thing we've been writing our own song for the last six years.

I think it's safe to say we got our kicks

During year Number 6.

Looking forward to year Number 7.

Thanks for the love, support, and memories, Officer Bob.

May we continue to cherish every moment of our lives spent together.

*October 28, 2005*



It's Been Two Weeks......

since I kinda/sorta ran but most definitely finished a marathon.

And I haven't had time to blog about it because of the following:

Destroyed Couch #1

3 escapes from the back yard fence.

New bars screwed into aluminum fence to increase security.



Destroyed Couch #2

8 more "how the %$&@ is he getting out?!" escapes from the backyard fence.

ALOT of cussing and heavy drinking.

Destroyed guest bedroom sheets AND mattress.

More cussing.

More drinking.

AND JUST ANOTHER LIFE MOMENT TO ADD TO THE LIST OF

"SHIT YOU CAN'T MAKE UP"?

Today......upon returning home from work, I see this.

Look closely.

The DOUBLE pane window through which my 1 year old dog actually jumped.

When it was closed.

Forcing me to make the ultimate decision.

It's official:

All the love in the world can't keep me from finding this young pup a new home.

Apparently it wasn't meant to be.

I can't take it anymore.

My bank account can't take it anymore.

You win, Reggie, you win.

:(

And who do I call when I need plywood shoved in my broken window?

Who do I call when I pretty much need anything?

THIS GUY.

Thank you Mr. and Mrs. P for bringing this man into the world.
Thank you, CareBear, for marrying him.
Thank you, Mrs. for sharing your brother with me.

I realize I am in no shape or form related to this man (unless he has some "brown" gene I'm unaware of), but he has never turned down a phone call from a crying, yelling, stressed out, Mexican woman. And I can't thank him enough.

And what makes me smile out of this whole situation?

The fact that this little girl now follows her daddy to all Casa de Bob 911 phone calls.

Too bad we have become "those people."
The ones all the neighbors are ashamed to be living near.

You know what I heard happened?

That loud Mexican chick and her cracka officer boyfriend got in a fight. He called INS. They were evicted. She was deported. AND they boarded up the windows with that poor dog inside.

But that's just what I heard.

Twenty Six Point Two

As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And if I die while attempting to finish my first marathon tomorrow,
I pray the Lord has one heck of a sense of humor!!



On a serious note, A HUGE thanks to all who have supported me in my fundraising efforts for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It is incredibly humbling to know I have so many family and friends willing to support this cause.

To Uncle Chris, Buddy Udiskius, Becky Basham, and Daniel Schaub:
I know you will all be carrying me through tomorrow.
As I pray that you have met peace in your own lives,
Please offer me the same by carrying me through to that finish line tomorrow.

To my father and cousin:
This run is also for you. I will be going through my own battle physically tomorrow as I tread through each mile marker. I know this does not compare to the mental battles you experience every day, but I hope it brings a smile to your face knowing you are not alone. Love to you both.

Ready or not, HERE I GO!!

Tonight's Blog Brought To You By the Number 5

Five.

The number of uber-hip members in the greatest girls group of all time. "I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!" Baby, Ginger, Scary, Sporty and Posh will forever be my music idols. Holla back, Spice Girls!

Five.

The number of times Officer Bob has scolded me for recently removing the manhood from his youngest child, Reggie. Apparently messing with a male's precious little baby-making jewels is comparable to murder in the eyes of a father. Sorry, boys, but I ain't housin' any more mutts!

Five.

The number of days in a work week. The number of days in a long, boring, dreadful work week. Can you tell I'm getting a minor case of "burnout" at the job?!

Five.

The number of fantasy football teams Officer Bob is currently managing from his bedroom office. AND the number of times he has regretted picking up Peyton Manning in the first round. P.S. Go pack!

Five.

The number of platonic solids. Whatever that means. Thank you, Wikipedia.

Five.

Offered "up high" or "down low" (as long as you're not too slow) in recognition of a person or act that is groovy or awesome. For example: El Aguila states: "I learned to play the banjo in an hour!" I acknowledge such feat with a HIGH FIVE!

Five.

The number of days until I participate in the 2011 Bank of America Chicago Marathon.

Five.

The fourth digit of my assigned bib number for said event.

(Do you think they assign bib numbers by the approximate minutes predicted to finish?)

Five.

The number of times I have cried myself to sleep in anticipation for said event.

I guess it's now or never. I can no longer put off the fact that I will be running 26.2 miles on Sunday in an effort to raise funds for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I received an e-mail yesterday morning entitled, "Welcome to Race Week!" HOLY S&%#. Race week is here. There is no more time to prepare. No more training runs. And no more being picked up off the side of the road because I lost a toe nail sometime during the 4 hour time span my body was in motion. 

The participant guide arrived in the mail and I almost regurgitated my recently consumed glass of apple cider as I read the contents of the 20 page book. Any race that requires 20 pages to explain the timeline of the day should not be considered a legal athletic event. Unfortunately for me and my stupid life dreams, I have traveled too far in my personal adventure to turn back now! Can I just say "Eff You" Chicago Marathon marketing team for placing a photograph of seven non-athletic looking older adults on the cover of the program guide! What would make me feel even worse about my incredibly slow time or even inability to finish the race? Knowing seven men 40 years my superior have run every Chicago Marathon for the last 34 years with ease. Hopefully gramps has a strong back for carrying overweight Mexican women across the finish line when they pass out at mile 23!

Still on the list of things to do before Sunday:

1. Complete the final iPod playlist.
2. Develop list of sightseeing for the family to do while waiting 6 hours on the streets of Chicago for me to cross the finish line.
3. Pick up super rad t-shirts for family to wear on race day.
4. High five Officer Bob for putting up with me and my ridiculous training habits for the last 5 months.
5. Eat diet high in fiber in order to regulate bowels for race day. (TMI?)

To all those who have supported this bucket list dream, I cannot thank you enough! You've helped me get this far, and I only have 26.2 miles to go!

See you at the finish line!!

(I just hope I'm upright)

Gunther Gab: Happy Birthday, Pebbles!!

She´s your brand new little daughter,

so enchanted, sweet and smart.

With a coo, she´ll have you smiling

With a laugh, she´ll own your heart.

It´s the time for hugs and kisses,

Reassurance when she cries.

It´s the time for making moments

Full of love and Lullabies.

For these golden days of childhood

come and go so very fast -

Hold her tight and love her dearly.

Make these precious moments last.

CareBear and Titty Baby welcomed their beautiful daughter on September 22, 2011 at 8:30am. Pebbles weighed in at 7lbs 9oz and measures 19 1/2 inches in length. It is quite possible that she may be the sweetest little baby born into this world - and to Titty Baby nonetheless. Sometimes, I just don't question the works of our Father, I just bask in his glory. And what a glorious gift to these proud parents.

Other than some slight nausea from the father and an extra large noggin pushin' on her mama's pelvis, I received word that the delivery went pretty smoothly. Both mother and baby are happy and healthy, and the new daddy has transitioned into his role with confidence. It has been confirmed that his role of recording bowel movements is taken very seriously. Just remember:

Officer Bob and I made the trip to the hospital as I anxiously waited my turn to love on the sweet little girl. The drive with Officer Bob was spent discussing proper technique of holding his new niece. His exact words were, and I quote "Nobody is making me hold her. I am not picking her up until she is three!"

I am sure you can all guess how that one turned out.............

It didn't take long for her uncle to fall under her spell, and he did so well with her. He is completely wrapped around her finger, and already talking about future birthday gifts. Her birth certificate should have read S-P-O-I-L-E-D.

Although there is no photographic proof, trust me when I say that I took full advantage of my snuggle time with Pebbles. Though I may not be her aunt yet, I am TOTALLY smitten by such a precious being, and I have no doubt that I will be making several visits to see her during the coming weeks. I just can't get enough Pebbles time!!

We left just as Pebbles was receiving her very first manicure! Thank heaven for little girls, right CareBear?!

Stay tuned for future updates on this beautiful family of three as we watch Pebbles develop her own unique personality and grow into a beautiful young girl.

P.S. No worries, Mama Dirt. The 8ft inflatable light-up stork made yet another appearance. Casa de Pebbles does not go unnoticed!

Feliz Cumpleanos, Beautiful Pebbles!

Your Uncle and Kinda-Sorta Aunt are so happy you have FINALLY made your appearance!

Let the spoiling begin!!!