Just Another Reason.........

I ABSOLUTELY, POSTIVELY, NO DOUBT IN MY MIND............

HATE COLD BLEEPIN' WEATHER!!!!!!

Let's take a look at the following equation:

Moisture in the Air + Freezing Temperatures = Snow

Snow + Driveway = Slippery

Slippery + Car = BROKEN GARAGE DOOR

There I was like a slow motion movie:
Foot on brake to the floor,
hands waving,
curse words being shouted,
"STOP, you effing car!

And then.......car meets garage door.

A BIG thank you to Titty Baby and Grand Puba for being my knights in shining armor (or should I say shining leather and camo). It's a good thing I have cable and Kahlua on hand just for times like this. An hour in freezing temperatures fighting with the unresponsive, cold, poor excuse for a garage door was apparently forgotten once I was able to provide - 2 glasses of Kahlua and cream and 1 super-fantastic-amazing-holy cow-what the hell happened season finale of Sons of Anarchy!

Remind me to make sure to pay the cable bill and stock up on liquor in case it decides to snow again.

A Casa de Bob Thanksgiving Adventure

DAY 1

Thursday, November 25th 2010 (Thanksgiving Day)
Start Time - 8:30am

The alarm buzzed (actually sang - I wake up every morning to the voice of Marc Cohn - *sigh*) , and I jumped from my bed in anticipation of consuming the most delicious meal of 2010. I drooled at the thought of delectable green been casserole and creamy, thick, mashed potatoes. And then.......reality set in. For today, I have decided to take BOTH Gilbert and Reggie on a road trip to Great Grandma and Grandpa's house. That would be one human (me), one puppy (Reggie), and one horse (Gilbert) all in my small, but sporty Dodge Avenger for exactly 1 1/2 hours without stopping for a potty break or a vomit break as Gilbert has been cursed with an unfortunate case of doggy car sickness.

After preparing myself for the day, I attempted to wake Officer Bob from his sleep coma not once, not twice, not thrice, but FOUR TIMES!!!! I begged and pleaded with him to help me prepare the kids for the car ride. A crate needed to be torn down and loaded, food prepared and packed, favorite toys, blankies, and bones stuffed in the diaper bag, and he REFUSED to move from the warmth of the comforter. I really do hope this isn't a sign for the future.

Officer Bob conveniently woke up in enough time to kiss his girlfriend and children goodbye, and we headed out the door. Reggie was a great front seat passenger............

for all of 30 seconds before deciding jumping back and forth from the driver's lap to the window was incredibly entertaining. (NOT for the driver!)

Gilbert, trying to refrain from tossing his cookies all over my backseat, responded by offering dirty looks at his younger brother's behavior.

Eventually the two settled down, and I was able to drive peacefully for the last five minutes of the road trip.


Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for serving as fabulous Thanksgiving hosts. Dinner (and dessert) was delicious! At this time, I would also like to thank God for the many gifts he has blessed me with over the course of 2010. I couldn't ask for a better support system in my grandparents, parents, and especially siblings. I wouldn't trade you for the world.

Following the meal, it was time for the annual tradition of Family Game Time. Games chosen for 2010 included Cash Cab and Quelf. I'll make this quick.......

Osama Bin Father played Cash Cab. The King Of Useless Trivia won twice and the rest of us sulked in our less than mediocre intelligence compared to this genius of a man.

Quelf - a game we have played in the past, but incredibly entertaining none-the-less. The game included:

Chicken Dancing

Lots of Confusion

And the stripping of the dignity of a young girl forced into this family tradition by her boyfriend of maybe 3 weeks tops?! She was a great sport and I truly hope we didn't scare her away. By the way......you have the best 10-second touchdown dance while holding a plant I have ever seen!

The car ride home was much less eventful as the boys and I were both pooped from the days excitement.

After arriving home, the tryptophan kicked in, and the boys and I called it an early night!

End Time - 9:30pm

DAY 2

Friday, November 26th 2010
Start Time - 7:00am

We'll call this "The Day that Officer Bob Has Been Complaining About for Two Weeks Straight"

In an effort to successfully complete my goals of healthy living for not only myself, but also my ever-so-loving boyfriend, I signed us up for the Trot for Tots run to take place prior to one of the longest-running Santa Claus parades in the nation. Enter whining......LOTS of whining.

Also in an effort to force others to undergo the same torture, I also recruited the efforts of El Aguila and one of Officer Bob's fellow officers, Goldsmith.

It is important to note that El Aguila is a runner.....
a fast runner....
a runner of long distances....
a runner currently training for a super fast marathon.......
a runner that thinking back, I'm not really sure why I invited because he makes us all look like overweight snails trudging slowly towards an invisible finish line.

ANYWAY......Mama Dirt and the new girlfriend previously mentioned met us at the starting line to serve as race spectators/fan club.

At start time, I believe the temperature outside was approximately 28 degrees......Fahrenheit.......as in below freezing. Enter MORE whining from Officer Bob.

Good thing I had made a quick Wal-Mart run to make sure Officer Bob would be extra cozy during the most uncomfortable 20 minutes of his life.

It is also important to note that El Aguila is one of THOSE runners.

You know.....the runners that no matter what the temperature is, they have to be dressed for success in a sleeveless singlet and shorts. Yup! That's him! (dumbass)

The starter yelled "GO!" and we were off. The first quarter mile was extra rough as I was consuming the dust from El Aguila's sprinting start. Once I was in my zone, I found a comfortable pace, and remained there for the entire course. People dressed in red and green lined the streets clapping for the runners all the while commenting on the stupidity of individuals racing in 28 degree weather. Thank you, spectators. You truly made me feel foolish and duncical.

Congrats to El Aguila on your second-place medal winning finish, blah, blah, blah.
You are so fast. I bow down to you and your athletic prowess, yada, yada, yada.

Next to cross the finish line......Big Boca Bob!
And I must say, my olympic-like, high-fiving, show-stopping finish was the highlight of the race!

Then comes.....Officer Bob.
Now tell me this doesn't look like a face that LOVES to run!

And finally, a BIG CONGRATS to Officer Goldsmith for completely your very first road run!
Awesome job!

After reviving Officer Bob from his post-race near-death experience,

and hooking him up to the portable oxygen tank,

we rehydrated, posed with the mascot of the race, and finished watching the parade.

Overall - A fabulously entertaining Thanksgiving adventure!

P.S. Officer Bob....from now on, I promise to ask your permission before signing you up for another *run*. Your face of disapproval is giving me nightmares.

Thanks for being a trooper. You did great, beat your goal time, and I am SO proud of you!

The Big 5-0!

How to tell your aging.......

• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• Your friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You laugh, pee, sneeze, and fart all at the same time.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• "Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• Your kids call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
• Your husband says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
• You don't care where Grand Puba goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Feliz Cumpleanos, Daisy Duke!

You did a hell of a job with the first 50 years!
Now here's to another half a century of happiness!

(Let's just hope that hammock holds up!)

It's Official......He's The One

I called Officer Bob at work on Sunday evening via the "Jail Phone" with a dire emergency that just could not wait! It is important to note that contrary to popular belief (aka MY belief) conversations held on the "Jail Phone" are NOT recorded. Thank Goodness!

Below is a transcript of the exact conversation:

Big Boca Bob: Can I speak to Officer Bob, please?

Random Officer #1: Just a second.......

Officer Bob: Hello? (slightly annoyed that I am calling his work yet again)

Big Boca Bob: Hey! I have a quick question for you.

Officer Bob: What?

Big Boca Bob: How much do you love me?

Officer Bob: Alot. (really annoyed that I called  his work yet again)

Big Boca Bob: Is that enough to stop by the store after work and pick up tampons?

Officer Bob: NO!

Big Boca Bob: Really? Ok....(in a really disappointed, sad, on-the-verge-of-tears voice)

Officer Bob: UGH! FINE! But have you ever been down that aisle? Do you know how many stupid kinds of those things there are?

Big Boca Bob: Have I ever told you that I love you?

Officer Bob: WHATEVER! Text me exactly what you need.

Big Boca Bob: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! You're the best!

Officer Bob: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. But just know that if I have to walk around with those in the cart, I am buying myself some kind of really expensive, manly tool to make up for it.

Big Boca Bob: You are a tool.

END CONVERSATION

One hour later, Officer Bob arrives with my emergency equipment AND some orange juice because "he knows how much I love my morning OJ"

I think I got myself a keeper.

Did You Realize, Mama Dirt?...........

That you are another year older?

(By the way.....thanks for making it another year because my Sunday evening would not have been the same without my fried chicken dinner!)

Did you realize that by turning ??, you are officially older than all of the following items?

• Alaska - the state
• Barbie - the doll
• Flinstones - the cartoon
• Revolution - the Cuban

Did you realize that during your lifetime you have had the pleasure of giving birth to and raising these four stunning beauties? (okay...maybe just three stunning beauties and one ridiculous boy-man)

Did you realize that during your lifetime, the following events have occured?

• US President John F Kennedy Shot
• Vietnam War
• First Human Heart Transplant
• First Man Walked on the Moon
• Y2K
• The Falling of the World Trade Center
• The Invention and Popularization of the Computer (which I know is still a struggle)
• The Invention and Popularization of the Debit Card (which I know is an even bigger struggle)
•  AND MANY MANY MANY (get the hint?) MORE!

Did you realize that you are a great provider for your family with both an emotional and physical strength that I can only hope I inherited?

Feliz Cumpleanos, Mama Dirt!
(a little late, but heartfelt nonetheless)

I Believe In Seasonal Affective Disorder

An ode to the changing of the season........

I call it......

COLD WEATHER BLOWS

The time for winter coats is almost here.
I cringe at the thought of it being so near.

I'll be prepared with long underwear and wooly socks
When I wake up on Sunday to set back the clocks.

Hello bitter cold and frosty night.
You make so mad, it's just not right!

As I pray for the cold to be put to a halt,
Please know my grouchy attitude is ALL YOUR FAULT!

My lips are already chapped and my skin is dry.
The decreasing temperature makes me cry.

All bundled up with a frostbitten toe,
I dread the thought of ice and shoveling snow.

I'd rather have a full year of fun
Playing outside in the warmth of the sun.

But instead you choose to come each and every year
To make me shiver and freeze my rear.

The thought of winter makes me ill.
And don't get me started on the heating bill!

And as the snot freezes in my raw, red nose,
I curse Mother Nature cuz Cold Weather Blows!

The cold does bring with it ONE good thing, I must say......
NO shaving my legs for three months! Hooray!

I HEART WEEKENDS

Weekend: two days of complete freedom from whining clients, sleeping in until at least 9am, and the possibility of actually spending quality time with Officer Bob

I truly heart weekends. After a crazy busy work week, there is nothing better than spending the day doing WHATEVER I WANT TO DO!

For example:
Activities of this past weekend included lounging around with TWO puppies and Officer Bob, carving pumpkins (a task Officer Bob is still complaining about half way through the following week), cussing at the poor excuse for athletes on my fantasy football team, showing off the newest member of the Casa de Bob family, and introducing friends to the rare species of tree located in the backyard.

Now tell me that doesn't sound exciting?!
(Okay so I realize I don't live the most adrenaline-pumping adventurous life)

 Can you tell Officer Bob was oh-so-excited to be participating in this fantastic Halloween tradition?! Somehow, he was "unfortunately" unable to finish carving his pumpkin before leaving for work. Yeah.....right.

 Good thing I came to the rescue to finish it!

Thanks to Kelly and Jamie for making the hike to Casa de Bob this past weekend!

Gilbert and Reggie loved their presents.  I apologize to Jamie for introducing Kelly to a puppy as I'm sure you've had to listen to whining, begging, and pleading for the past few days for one of your own. 

If she keeps bringing it up, have her refer to the following picture........

Who created this crazy system of having to deal with 5 days of stress before reaching a weekend anyway? Until my buddy Barack responds to my stern letters of disapproval of the 5:2 ratio, I guess I will just have to trudge through the work week.

On the agenda for this weekend?!.........Halloween parties galore!

I love this time of year!

Jumpin' Taxis and Takin' Names!

Now that I have had a full week to recover, I am able to relive the events from last Saturday without curling in a ball and crying from pain and embarrassment. I would first like to state that during this brief recap of the 2010 Men's Health Urbanathlon, please do not mistake my ranting as a form of hatred towards this race. I had a BLAST competing with over 7,500 "athletes" (I use the term loosely as I'm not so sure I can put myself in this category just yet) in the beautiful scenery of downtown Chicago, and I will most definitely be be doing it all over again next year. However, at times during the run and ridiculous obstacles, I may have thrown out a few cuss words or two. You will be receiving the edited version of my thoughts during the race.

Jesse, his wife Abbey, and her sister Ashley, picked me up at Casa de Bob for our weekend adventure.  I was already nervous for this race due to my lack of preparation and I immediately expressed my concern regarding the tortorous day ahead. I may be in the best shape of my life, but that does not deem me capable of competing in any race sponosred by "Men's Health"

Jesse and Abbey served as driver and navigator through downtown Chicago while Ashley and I rode comfortably in the backseat. Check-in took place at Hard Rock Hotel. We all forgive Abbey for the slight confusion between Hard Rock Cafe and Hard Rock Hotel.  It could have happened to anyone, and I for one enjoyed the scenery of the bustling city. However,every time I take a drive through downtown Chicago, it reminds me more and more why I chose to settle in a town of 1400. I am NOT a city girl.

After recieving our t-shirts and $60 not-so-goody bags, we headed to Baker's Square to carb-load for the race. Meals were selected carefully and we definitely made the right choice in avoiding White Castle sliders the night before the race.

Saturday morning came way too quickly.  It's not too often three girls can be dressed and ready in a half hour, but we weren't exactly going for looks here. Looking back at the pictures.......a little bit of makeup may not have been a bad idea. YIKES!

Pre-race Photos:

The face of the man above is the face of pure terror. Jesse was a veteran of this race as he had competed last year and was unable to move for the week following. He didn't exaclty instill any confidence in us three girls, but we forged ahead anyway.

In all honesty, I don't actually remember alot of the race. The scenery was BEAUTIFUL, and I truly enjoyed running down Lakeshore Drive in amazing weather. This may come as a surprise to you because I have never TRULY ENJOYED any long span of running. Trust me.....I couldn't believe it myself! I have done my best to remember the good, and block out the bad. However, I understand that is not nearly as entertaining to read. So.....I have prepared a short bullet list of memorable moments during the race.

• I informed Jesse I was not a "talker" when I ran. However, the lack of Ipod and his blabbering mouth turned me into a liar. I actually engaged in conversation the majority of the run. Looking back, this was a great choice as it kept my mind from thinking about how ridiculously hard I was breathing.
• I apologize to everyone in the vicinity of Mile Marker #5 for the cussing rant when the out-of-shape cramps mixed with the menstrual cramps and I honestly thought my life was coming to end. Thanks to the man who ran head first into the light pole for offering me some comic relief. I really needed it.
• Marine hurdles are ALOT taller than you think. The pamphlet said there would be three. There were NINE. After my upper body refused to cooperate anymore, I politely turned to Jesse to ask for a small boost.  Fortunately, no man can turn down a whining, menstruating woman.
• I HATE MONKEY BARS! Who would have thought the hardest part of the race would have been the effing monkey bars? I must note that these were not your ordinary school playground monkey bars.  These were the most ridiculous manly gorilla bars I have ever seen! I watched Jesse scale them no problem, closed my eyes, and prayed to the heavens for some assistance. Unfortunately, God must have been busy that morning because with only two rungs left, I hung there.....and hung there.....and cussed.....alot.......and then?......I fell. I jogged with my head down to the penalty area and completed my 25 push-ups in shame before moving on. Failure is not my thing. I will be competing in next year's race with one goal in mind. Make those monkey bars my b*&%#.

And then.....the END! Where I picked up my medal and paraded around as a kind-of-runner who barely made it through the day mixed with exceptional athletes who train all year for this. I thank my fellow competitors for making me do this. I am proud. I would like to take this time to brag and thank those who have supported my healthy transition over the last 8 months. Congratulations to myself, Abbey, Ashley, and Jesse. WE DID IT!

Also thanks to Mexico for creating the delightfully delicious Corona beer. It served as a GREAT form of hydration following the previous torture.

AND NOW......THE MOST EXCITING MOMENT OF THE DAY.......

Who was waiting for me at the finish line? Who stopped me to congratulate me on my finish?

The love of my life.........

A.C. SLATER

I was walking around, minding my own busines when our eyes met. He stuck out his hand to wave, and my heart melted. And then he spoke....."Congratulations" - the most poetic word I have ever heard. I could not speak. He is beautiful. My life is now complete. Thank you, Albert Clifford. You are a beautiful man and made the torture of running and sadly failing monkey bars by exhausting every muscle in my upper body TOTALLY worth it.

Next up? Half-Marathon!

Huracan......El Aguila......I'm talking to you!

A Family of........Four?!

Okay......so I would first like to report that I am alive.

This was questionable on Saturday at approximately 8:30 a.m. when I was ready to throw myself in Lake Michigan rather than take another step towards the never ending finish line of the 2010 Men's Health Urbanathlon. However.....I opted to surge forward only because my junior high love, Albert Clifford Slater (reference Saved by the Bell) was waiting to take me into his arms at the finish line. Details regarding the race from hell will be given at a later date for both the sanity of Big Boca Bob and you, the reader. I need to recover before posting five minutes of curse words.

On a completely different note, I would also like to report that I officially lost the battle.

Let me introduce you to 5lbs of cuteness packed into an adorable little fluffy four-legged creature.........

The 6-week old fourth member of the Casa de Bob family.........

REGGIE WHITE

Officer Bob and I rescued baby Reggie Sunday morning, and he has most definitely made his presence known in the Casa de Bob household.  Unfortunately, prior to his rescue, little Reggie was not well cared for. He was in immediate need of a bath upon arrival at his new home, and his big brother Gilbert offered to help.

The welcoming committee even came all the way from E-wood to spend some quality time with the pup. A BIG THANKS to Mama Dirt, El Aguila, and Dancing Queen for making the trek to visit with us.

Gilbert, of course, needed some love as well. Trust me....he HAS NOT been deprived of attention since baby Reggie arrived. Has has made sure of that!

Special Note #1: Mama Dirt is not bowing her head in disgust of her two youngest children (not saying that it hasn't happened before) She absolutely REFUSES to have her picture taken. After multiple attempts, this is the best I could do.

Special Note #2: No worries. I have already addressed the issue of my brother's unwillingness to shave. He believes the "hairy" look is necessary for a yet-to-be-mentioned Halloween costume. However, I believe he is only contributing to the dirty Mexican stereotype. Unfortunately, I am told that Halloween is followed by "No-Shave November" and his condition will only get worse before it is remedied.

After the oohs and awws over the new addition to the family, we all settled down for movie/homework/fantasy football updates time. Mama Dirt taught us to multi-task, and we have become quite efficient at it thanks to the discovery of the world wide web.

Special Note #3: Photos like this are what make my family so "special" Five dollars to the individual who comes up with the best caption for the ridiculousness that is occurring above.

Gilbert is a natural in the role of big brother. He does not take his new responsibilities lightly, and he is very adamant about showing Reggie the ropes. He even shared a piece of his rawhide with his bro. It doesn't take much to make these two happy. They get that from their father.

However, we knew the first-day excitement would only last so long. This may be due to the fact that Reggie has discovered his new brother's tail!

Gilbert is such a sweet big bro and lets him play for a bit before finally showing him who's boss.

I think it's safe to say that Reggie has already learned his place in Casa de Bob. We all play by Gilbert's rules.

Those of you who were special enough last year to receive the infamous Green Bay Packer Christmas Card are in for a real treat this year! I'm already working on outfits for Reggie and Gilbert. Officer Bob is not looking forward to the photo shoot.

Sunday's excitement ALMOST made me forget about my inability to move due to soreness. That was until Reggie took his first crap on the carpet and I cursed him for not only using my red carpet as a restroom facility but also forcing me to squat down and clean it up. My cries for sympathy from Officer Bob were unsuccessful. Big surprise there! Little does he know next year he's competing with me!

I Thought They Said "Rum"

Tomorrow is THE day.

Race day.

Otherwise known as F-day.

As in "why the eff did I sign up for this?"

A friend sent me the following photo for encouragement with the tagline

 "I hired the same photographer to take pictures of you during your run"

If this is a joke......

I'm not laughing.

To makes things clear:

At NO time during the Men's Health Urbanathlon will I look like this for the following reasons:

1. I may not hide it well (as stated in a previous post), but I am Brown.
2. After rummaging through my closet for an appropriate outfit for tomorrow's race, I opted NOT to go with my red halter top and black bikini bottoms. A girl of my size attempting to jump over taxis and crawl under street barricades must dress for function instead of fashion. It's a shame that extra-large heavy duty sports bras (thats right....I said bras. I have to wear two), baggy t-shirts, and paint-stained running shorts aren't styled on the runway because I pull them off quite nicely.
3. I have NEVER had this smile on my face while engaging in activity. Don't get me wrong.....exercise is fun (sometimes), but who really enjoys it this much?! Apparently size "0" models who lack the ability to sweat.
4. My belly button is real.

 The photographer will have his work cut out for him, and at best, may pull off something more like this......

Running is fun, right?

Ask me that tomorrow.

Bloggable Moments From The Past Week That I Am Too Lazy To Expand On......

• Officer Bob has taken this whole R&B thing to a whole new level.  We have now entered the Boyz II Men genre. Thank you to the previous owners of my house who installed a completely necessary under-the-cabinet kitchen radio on which I have pre-programmed all songs associated with twang and yee-haws.

• My baby turned TWO! Hard to believe the puppy we picked up from the shelter is now a 100lb. bed-hogging, blind-chewing, hair-shedding small horse. However, my Officer Bob-less evenings at home would not be the same without the companionship of my loving child, Gilbert.  Too bad the Pack couldn't come away with a win to celebrate your birthday!

• Speaking of furry friends.....I was "THIS" close to Officer Bob bringing a sibling home for Gilbert. What a great birthday present that would have been, right?! I have completely lost the fight. My gazing ball is broken, but I can guarantee that a new puppy will be at our house within the VERY near future. My new blinds are trembling in fear.........then again it could be the wind.

• Huracan Ramirez, El Aguila, and Big Boca Bob have OFFICIALLY stated full intention of training for the 2011 Chicago Marathon.  Contracts will be written up shortly for our fitness endeavor.  Word to my brothers....YOU MUST SIGN THEM because there is NO WAY IN HELL I am running this ridiculous race myself. Note to all readers: Could you throw in a prayer for my sanity when you sit down for dinner tonight?

• Dancing Queen is making GIANT strides in deciding what she plans on actually doing with her life post-graduation.  Officer Bob would like to take credit as her academic advisor assisting with calculus homework and life goals.  This is a lie. Period.

• The new grill works fabulously. There is no photographic proof, but Officer Bob is a great grill master! Thanks to friends who assisted in the consumption of all foods including burgers, brats, chicken, hot dogs, etc.

• Glee is by far my favorite television show of the week. I wish my life was a musical. (which hasn't been too far of a stretch lately with Officer Bob treating me to fabulous renditions of not-so-great song choices)

• High school friends make great company! Thanks to Kaiti, Nikki, Ericka, Mallory, and Liz for a fabulous housewarming party at Casa de Bob. I LOVE my pots and pans, festive halloween dish towels, and oh-so-cute mixing bowls.  However, I love my quality time spent with you even more. I only hope we can continue our sporadic get-togethers! Oh Yeah......T-shirt TIIIIIME.......Oh Yeah! (Btw Kelly, I will acknowledge your presence as you were there in spirit, but I am still fairly bitter that you are in Vegas winning millions of dollars and spending it on male strippers and cheap liquor. I live vicariously through you.)

The End.

The Twilight Zone

Day: Sunday, October 3rd

Time: 12:30pm

Place: Casa de Bob

Scene: Big Boca Bob, Officer Bob, and Gilbert are enjoying a leisurely Sunday laying on the couch (still in pajamas) watching my other boyfriend, Donald Driver, and the Green Bay Packers dominate the girdiron.

ENTER THE TWILIGHT ZONE...........

Officer Bob springs from the couch.
Channels his inner Usher..........

And breaks into a surprisingly on-key version of All My Life
by the not-so-much-well-known-anymore K-Ci & JoJo.
Dance moves reminiscent of the Bobby Brown era most definitely included.

Top 10 Things That Came to Mind:

1. Was it a full moon last night?
2. When the hell did my cracka boyfriend from the sticks start listening to R&B?!
3. I REALLY wish he was wearing a white scarf and gloves right now because recreation of the video would be EPIC!
4. He knows all the words to this song?!
5. TOUCHDOWN PACKERS! Doesn't he know the game is on?!
6. How in the hell does he know all the words to this song?! I don't even know all the words to this song.
7. It's officially time to invest in a video camera.
8. You really don't hear classic lyrics like this anymore......

Close To Me You're Like My Mother,

Close To Me You're Like My Father, 

 Close To Me You're Like My Sister,

Close To Me You're Like My Brother,

And You Are The Only One My Everything

And For You This Song I Sing....

     9.   If 5 years dating gets me a K-Ci & JoJo song, I'm not so sure I want to stick
           around for the 10 year spontaneous Officer Bob Musical.
    10.  I Heart You, Officer Bob.

LIKE A FINE WINE.......

Moving into the new house has offered me the opportunity (or should I say daunting, awful, time-consuming task) of sorting, organizing, and properly storing old photographs.

After careful review of the photographic documentation of our relationship, I think it is safe to safe that Officer Bob and Big Boca Bob have most definitely improved with age.

The "You're So Cute, Let's Hold Hands" Phase

 The "Effects Of College Living, Slightly Chunky" Phase

The "Got A Career, Got A House, Living Healthy" Phase

Father Time ain't got nuttin' on us, Officer Bob!

From the Mouths of Babes

I was recently asked to conduct a physical fitness course for humans of much shorter stature. I refuse to call them kids because for the most part, they are much more mature than I, and I would be insulting myself in doing so. And everything is obviously all about me. Duh.

The tinier versions of our species are perhaps the most adorable, affectionate, innocent, tell-ya-like-it-is, fun-to-hang-around-with tots that ever existed. For the most part, that is. I enjoy my role as babysitter, teacher, "best fwend", etc. because I never actually have to put on the dreaded "mother" hat when it comes to discipline, potty training, bedtime, eating vegetables, and so on. Therefore, in the eyes of a child, I am way cooler than all you Moms out there because I am simply not a Mom. For at least 10 more years that is.....just so there's no confusion regarding this.

Back to that "tell-ya-like-it-is" characteristic........During class, one of the little boys with piercing blue eyes dressed in his gangsta shorts and Air Jordans raises his hand to ask a question. I was confused as to what this question might be considering that all the farther I had gotten in my class introduction was "Hi.....my name is --"

I called upon the red-headed, fair-complected, albino child (trust me....this info will be important to know in the next few sentences) and he abruptly stated the following:

"HEY YOU! How come you are brown? You must go to the tanning place like my mom. I don't understand why being brown is so cool, lady! Dad says Mom thinks being brown means your prettier and she spends too much money turning brown and putting fake nails on. Do you think you're prettier just cuz your brown? Cuz I think white girls are just as pretty as brown girls."

The following were all options as responses to this young man:

#1. What the eff happened to diversity training in schools these days?! I'm Mexican you little shit. Let me guess.....you are an Irish ginger kid with no soul who spends his days drinking ale and harvesting potatoes. (sorry to my Irish friends....I tend to stereotype when I get angry)
#2. Brown? Really? You think I'm the color of poo? I'd like to think of it as more of a "bronze-ish-mocha"
#3. Go tell your fake brown Mama that she needs to have an important discussion with you regarding what NOT to say in public.
#4. I agree with ya kid! I know plenty of white girls that are just as pretty as the brown girls. BUT.....the "brown" girls are naturally better at housework and landscaping thus making them better housewives. SO THERE!

So....what exactly did I say to the kid?!

Nothing.

Why?

Because I lost bladder control laughing too hard, crossed my legs, and waddled to the potty room.

Suddenly all attention transferred from my poo-colored skin to my need for an adult diaper.

Keep laughing kids.....
Cuz this brown-skinned, diaper-wearing lady will soon become your run-till-you-puke fitness nightmare.

Fitness Corner with Bob

Contrary to popular belief, all twenty-four year old Hispanic, female, fitness managers with degrees in exercise physiology, who personal train and teach group aerobics in their spare time DO NOT enjoy being called out on various fitness-related tasks. If you couldn't guess from the very general description of the individual described in the previous sentence, I am talking about ME!

I have had a very poor tendency over the years to never back down from a dare or challenge especially when said challenge is proposed by a muscle head of a man who goes by the nickname "Gorilla Face" or "G-Face" for short. This is not a joke. I promise. If you are a visual person, please reference the picture below.

G-FACE CHALLENGE OF THE DAY?!.............5 HAND-STAND PUSH-UPS.



The egotistical self-centered male meat-head would indeed select an activity that is physically designed for the male body.  I called upon my extensive knowledge in the field to explain to the audience of young gentleman the muscular structure of the male upper body as opposed to the female upper body. In other words....."I ain't got no pipes, no guns, or no pythons!" I got a Mexican badunkadunk and tree trunks for thighs that deem me incapable of the "challenge of the day." However.....they were having none of it and demanded I attempt the dreaded hand-stand push-up.

I'm sure you are all waiting for some grand, triumphant victory story of how I successfully completed the hand-stand push-up and watched all the men weep in misery as they bowed to the superior gender.

Sorry girls......

First attempt at a hand-stand push-up?........Epic FAIL!  We'll just call it a hand-stand face-plant instead.

BUT.....you know me! If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Well I tried and tried, dammit, and I will have you know that I COMPLETED the G-Face Challenge of the Day!

5 hand-stand push-ups? Check!

G-Face Challenge of the Day For Tomorrow?............Pee Standing Up.

Don't test me guys.

The First of Many Lasts

This weekend, I made the trek back to E-wood for Dancing Queen's very last grand finale ultimate supreme Senior Homecoming. This marks the very last time I will serve as hairstylist/makeup artist for a homecoming dance. Comments regarding Dancing Queen's maturity and grown-up glitz and glam look were most definitely made, but all I could think about was.....When did I become the shortest member of the family? Damn.

While burning my fingers with the curling iron and cussing at the thickness of this girl's gorgeous locks, I opted to bring up some very important questions.

Me: So.....what are you going to do when you graduate?

Dancing Queen: Ummm.....I don't know.

Me: Have you applied to any schools?

Dancing Queen: Ummmm.....no.

Me: Do you like (a particular teacher who shall remain unnamed)?

Dancing Queen: Ummmm.....no. She's a bitch.

This girl, ladies and gentleman, is the future of America. We are still working on that whole "life goals" thing. Right now the focus is more on the tight-pant wearing football hotties from the opposing team's sidelines. And this is the reason I love my sister whole-heartedly. She's cute, she's spunky, and she is in absolutely NO hurry to grow up! The world could really learn a thing or two from this chica.

I would now also like to thank Officer Bob for his creative photography skills.  The buzz of high school girls and mom's with cameras may have been less-than-entertaining for Officer Bob because when I retrieved my camera to approve the digital documentation of the day, this is what I got.

Officer Bob and Huracan have lost all future photographer privileges. I'm sure this is not exactly a disappointment for them.

Of the many unnecessary photos taken, I was able to save a few good ones for your viewing pleasure.

I realize this was not MY homecoming dance, but Officer Bob knows that anytime we share a day off and a camera is around, photos will be taken. I have to have visual proof that we actually do spend time together.

NOTE: This picture did not undergo any editing.
Huracan is actually that tall. His height scares people. This amuses me.