What's This 'Warrior Dash" Thing Everyone Keeps Talking About?

It's true what they say...........

There is no race comparable to that of the WD.

And like many of you who crossed the finish line in prior races,

I can now officially call myself a WARRIOR.

Talk about one helluva good time.

I knew it was going to be a fabulous day when Huracan showed up to my house on the morning of the race wearing his carefully crafted running attire.

Approximately 30 minutes into the drive north, however, Huracan began to doubt his fashion choice. A quick stop at a gas station at an undisclosed location resulted in the loss of undergarments and a grown man going commando for the remainder of the day.

We pulled into town around 10:30am for our 11:30am race thinking we would have plenty of time to prepare. WRONG! It might be a fair assumption to say that the entire population of the town was attempting to enter the race at the same time we arrived. The line of cars threatened a successful arrival. Luckily, The Llama chose to make a local police officer the man of her dreams, and he called with super secret back roads directions to the race site. Let's just say the approximately 200 cars that we passed were slightly unhappy. It's good to know people. Thanks, Beau!

Our later than planned arrival, resulted in a quick stop at the mud-stained (or what I hope was mud) port-o-johns and left just enough time for intimidating pre-race photos.

Don't worry......both Dancing Queen and I came equipped with proper licensure for carrying those guns around in a public venue.

The third female warrior in our crew was

quite the trooper in putting up with our antics.

That ass got plenty of stares over the course of the day. Jealousy, perhaps?

Maybe not.

A special shout-out goes to Officer Bob and The Llama for serving as official photographers and outstanding cheerleading squad. The day would just not have been the same without them. One advantage of including underage participants (*cough* Dancing Queen) in your crew is that the cheerleading squad (*cough* The Llama) gets to reap the benefits of the free beer ticket post-race. 

11:30am on the dot.

Go time.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE COURSE:

*Dancing Queen repeatedly shouting "I AM A WARRIOR"*

*A genuine attempt at sprinting up the never ending hill. FAIL!*

*Unbelievably fun slip n slides*

*Apologies to those positioned behind
Huracan's hairy backside during crawling obstacles.*

*Passing the meat head running in his underwear.

Keep working on the cardio, man*

*Shawnee's short-lived glance at female genitalia positioned above her. GROSS!*

*Why don't girls dress more practically for warrior-like obstacles?*

*Stopping to pose at nearly every obstacle
even when a camera was nowhere to be found*

*Jumping over fire while holding hands is definitely more difficult

and much more stupid than going it alone*

* At 6'5", Huracan had quite the height advantage. Especially when it came to crawling in the mud pit. The vertically challenged female members of our warrior crew had a more difficult time crawling (swimming) through the germ-infested waters.*

*Muddy body odor smells way WORSE than I had anticipated.*

*Dancing Queen always makes friends with the most interesting people*

*Post-race hydration/dancing is almost as fun as the race itself*

*Huracan is not afraid to strip down naked under a garbage bag*

*Final race time? 46:40.20*

*Does it really matter? No*

*Will I do it again? Absolutely!*

*And with no one else, but these two.*

*I couldn't be more proud to call them my siblings.*

Talk about a bonding experience......

Camera Found

FUN PHOTOS AS PROMISED.........

Pre-race Face

We're going to a race.

We're gonna win first place.

You have an ugly face!

Prior to listening to Dancing Queen complain

about her digestive system for 30 minutes

Running is fun!

And even more fun when you're running with Dancing Queen!

Easiest obstacle of the race?

The Gollywhopper!

Bad thing about going down

is somehow you have to get back up.

 I love meeting people at races.

This bride was getting married the same afternoon as the race.

I'm not so sure I'll be able to sway my bridal party

into an hour of torture on the morning of my wedding.

Post-race,

We survived.

And Dancing Queen found a restroom.

After a quick shower, it was off to wedding festivities.

And although Devin looked beautiful on her wedding day,

I believe this little girl may have stolen the show.

I seriously cannot get enough of Pebbles.

It's a sick obsession.

Sweetest moment of the evening?

Watching this adorable family of three share a dance.

CHECK BACK AFTER THIS WEEKEND

as I'm sure the photos will be much funnier and muddier.

Huracan, Dancing Queen, Big Boca Bob, and Shawnee

GUERREROS!

I Lost My Camera.......

and life cannot continue until it is found.

I have seriously amazing documentation of the following events and these photos are currently awaiting me to track down, locate, and post in the form of a blog, facebook status, etc.....

1. An obstacle race trail run in which Dancing Queen spent 20 of the 30 minutes in motion notifying innocent competitors that her bowels needed serious relief. One word. Hilarious.
2. Wedding fun
3. Reggie's Backyard Pool Party - Don't worry if you didn't get an invite.  His father (Officer Bob) tells me that the invites specifically said "No Bitches Allowed" He didn't even allow his own mother to attend.
4. Pebbles and Ice Cream - it doesn't get any cuter.
5. Crafting with The Llama. On a sidenote....I heart Pinterest.

PLEASE RETURN CAMERA IF FOUND.

My life depends on it. I have vowed not to eat until said photos are returned to me.

Please do not worry. I will not starve for days. I have plenty of body mass to last quite some time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STAY TUNED FOR FUN PHOTOS.

On the agenda for this weekend.......

1. BECOME A WARRIOR

Wedding Planning Is Kinda Sorta Fun

Wedding Dress?

Check. (and I couldn't be more relieved)

Sweet Ceremony Venue?

Check.

Rockin' Reception Hall?

Check.

Awesome Officiant?

Check.

Dynamic Disc Jockey?

Check.

Super Entertaining Photo Shoots with My Future Husband?

DOUBLE CHECK!

This weekend was spent under the flash of the camera taking incredibly amusing, laughter inducing, cover of Us Weekly worthy supermodel shots.

At first I wasn't so sure about this whole cinema theme for the wedding, but Mama Dirt was totally right! It's flippin' awesome! I have totally gone hog wild with the big-screen edition of our vows and Officer Bob truly is a saint for putting up with my antics. Daisy Duke and I may be the only two women in his life that could get him to wear polyester pants, moon boots, and a wig. But seriously......is this not great?

By the way......the photo manipulation program I downloaded for free has become tempermental and I am seriously thinking about terminating our friendship. Anyone have any suggestions for picture editing software? 

The premiere of Saturday Night Fever cannot get here soon enough!!!

Is it March yet?

Sneak Peek

Well blog readers,
It finally happened.

I, Big Boca Bob, got Officer Bob to..............

wait for it.................

wait for it.................

DANCE!!!!

That's right. The majority of this beautiful Sunday afternoon was spent filming (MULTIPLE takes) of our Save the Date Movie Trailer.

A huge thanks to the production crew (Mama Dirt, El Aguila, and Dancing Queen) for your incredible patience and dedication. You will of course be mentioned in the credits, and I will be offering a 10% cut of all profits that the film grosses. What's 10% of nothing?

One thousand high fives and hugs.

Now that's some decent payment if you ask me.

Because most of my time today was spent peeing my pants in laughter and barking choreography orders at Officer Bob, I obviously couldn't wait to start a little video editing.

Without further ado, I give you a BLOG READERS ONLY SNEAK PEEK at the upcoming film of the decade. All footage is raw and will be compiled into a trailer to be released at a later date.

P.S. Don't let Officer Bob fool you. That white boy CAN shake is flat cracka be-hind. I found the secret to his inner "rhythm artist" I mean....who wouldn't be inspired by John Travolta?!

It Happens All The Time.....

The Cinco de Mayo Fiesta/Birthday post is going to be delayed because apparently the following story is WAY too funny (embarrassing) to not share...........

Today I went to the tanning salon.
Yes.....I realize I am Mexican.
Yes.....I realize Mexicans are typically darker complected.

BUT my skin shade will just NOT do on July 4th when I have to stand in a strapless orange dress on the beach next to my cracka of a friend on her wedding day. It just wouldn't be right for the Mexican Maid of Honor to be more reflective in the sun than the bride. Serving as the only form of diversity in the wedding party means I have to bring my "A" game.

I should mention now before this story gets too in depth that I am slightly claustrophobic. I say slightly because my inability to control my sweat glands in close quarters only happens on occasion and most of the time I can talk myself out of an anxiety attack. This information will be useful as the story continues......

So there I am.
Mentally preparing myself for the following 20 minutes in which I will voluntarily lie in a movement constricting chamber under the glow of ultraviolet rays. I turn on the fans to make me feel as though there is slightly more air movement within the torturous capsule. I position myself in a manner that would allow for a quick getaway if my body/mind so chooses to reject the activity (i.e. hand on door with finger resting gently against the emergency turn-off)

And then.......
With the air of the fan brushing over me
and my incredible ability to call upon visual imagery,
I picture myself on the beach.
margarita in one hand and a good book in the other.
and I drift.......
To sleep.

The next moments can be more effectively described by the authors of Wikipedia:
There's a point in the beginning stages of sleep when you are still relatively awake and alert. During this time when you are not quite asleep, you may experience strange and extremely vivid sensations known as hypnagogic hallucinations. Common examples of this phenomenon include feeling like you are falling or hearing someone call your name.

A NOT SO COMMON phenomenon during this time that Wikipedia unfortunately does not describe is the point at which you are relatively aware that you are claustrophobic and stuck inside a VERY tiny space without the ability to move your limbs and run the risk of dying a very slow death due to suffocation in the burning heat of tanning bed light bulbs. This relative awareness causes another symptom which after hours (2 minutes) of research is found to be defined as a myoclonic jerk. My overly-dramatic response to the situation caused my myoclonic jerk to JERK my head directly into the made-of-glass very-hot-light-bulb encasing ceiling positioned exactly four inches above my face.

After the initial anxiety attack, I surprisingly quickly gain composure (must have been one helluva a book and one strong margarita) and reposition myself back into a relaxed tanning state.

However..........

The beads of sweat dripping across the bridge of my nose seem to be more of a nuisance than usual. More fluid-like and streaming much more quickly than I remember from past tanning experiences. Also slightly more red in color.

DAMN.

It isn't sweat.
It's blood.
My blood.
Streaming down my nose from the previous face-meets-glass incident.
Those damn cheap plastic space-age goggles they make you wear?
Apparently they can cause serious damage to your face when hit with a sturdy surface.
Word to the Wise: Don't use tanning goggles as protective head gear.

I make the decision to extract myself from the tanning bed in an effort to control the bleeding when I realize that not only did my claustrophobia induced myoclonic jerk cause damage to my face, but there is a LARGE crack in the glass of the tanning bed.

Close your eyes for a minute and just picture this scenario: A short, overweight, slightly brown woman holding kleenex to her face with one hand while trying to put on a shirt and pants (no bra, no underwear....way too difficult) with the other hand waddling out to the desk to notify the owner of the tanning salon that she fell asleep in the tanning bed, experienced a minor anxiety attack upon waking, and took it out on the tanning bed with her face.

Much to my surprise the tanning salon owner found the incident to be quite humorous and asked if she could call her mother to have me repeat the story to her over the phone. Do you think when she said, "Oh.....don't worry. It happens all the time" she was just trying to make me feel better about appearing to be a total whack job?

Anyone heading to said tanning salon:
BED #2 IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED FOR REPAIRS DUE TO MYOCLONIC JERK.
DON'T WORRY.....APPARENTLY IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

I'm Such A Bad Blogger

PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!

I'm still here.....just slightly busier than usual, and I suppose I have no better excuse for not transposing my thoughts to written word lately other than I've simply been lovin' my flippin' life.

Seriously.......this is going to sound super-cheerleader-obnoxious-ultra annoying but I am happy.

Like really happy.

Like jump for joy, drink 5 margaritas (because 6 is just a little TOO happy), and dance all night long kind of happy.

What's the cause of this optimistic outlook on life, you ask?

Ummmmm.....everything! I can't pinpoint the one thing that's got my inner perky juices flowing.

So I'll make a list....................

1. I get to see my uber-adorable chicana niece in exactly 3 days. (And her parents I guess. But they're not as cute and I ain't changin' my brother's hairy ass diaper.)
2. Saturday is my favorite drinking holiday. (One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor)
3. I enjoy being Mexican-American (brown-town represent!)
4. My change in jobs has induced a 20 pound weight loss (and 2 dress sizes down)
5. I've been in wedding planning overload and loving it! (not just my own - but assisting friends in the process.)
6. After 6.5 years, I am totally head-over-heels still in love with Officer Bob. (Don't ask why - cuz I'm still wondering myself)
7. I have scheduled TWO vacations this year (one including a wedding on the beach and the other including a bachelorette party in Arizona)
8. Did I mention Saturday is Cinco de Mayo? (and I love Mexican food)
9. My family makes me smile.
10. Exactly one week from today, I will turn another year older and I am completely content with the progress I am making on my bucket list.

Can I get a WOOT WOOT for smiles and sunshine?!!

This is the part where you say "WOOT WOOT!"

Alright....I admit it. THAT was a little too much. But I'm not even sorry for it because nobody's breaking this mood.

P.S. These good vibes are most likely short-lived so if you need anything from me you better ask soon.
OLE!

The Countdown Begins

Exactly 11 months from today..............

I will say:

"I DO"

Officer Bob will say:

"YEAH. WHATEVER. I GUESS."

______________________________________________________

DON'T MISS THE
MOST ANTICIPATED
MOVIE PREMIERE
OF THE YEAR!

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER is an inspired story of love, dedication, and the unique bond between two diverse humans. This romantic comedy documents the entertaining love story of Officer Bob and Big Boca Bob. The unlikely duo who met while completing undergraduate studies (one more responsibly than the other) at Western Illinois University discover after devoting 7 years to one another that destiny has led them to the altar. Their families and friends must come together to celebrate the dawn of a new era in their relationship.

In a true story of love, friendship, and family, 

The Bobs finally make that solemn vow.

For more information,

please visit www.saturdaynightfeverwedding.blogspot.com

P.S. Officer Bob is less than amused with wedding plans thus far.

I, on the other hand, think it's utterly entertaining.

Who Are You and What Have You Done With My Fiance

Officer Bob is finishing up his month of "staycation" on Saturday, and I never thought I would say this, but I will be sad to see him go.

In case I wasn't clear, I did say MONTH. As in 1/12 of a year. How does this happen you may ask? Officer Bob does not believe in sick days. He does not believe in scheduling appointments during normal working hours. Our lives revolve around his work schedule because God forbid I ever make him request a day off for something as important as OUR WEDDING. This type of work ethic leads to several days of "use or lose" time in which Officer Bob shockingly requested ALL days off in a row. When you only work 14 days in a month due to 12 hour shifts, I guess it is completely possible to leave your career for 30 days straight. (Just so you know......this will never happen for someone like me. I believe in sick days. Wholeheartedly.)

During his time off, I kinda sorta think my fiance has become domestic.

I can't tell you how or when this transformation occurred, but it happened. It seriously happened. I will be sad to see him go for my own selfish reasons.
The yard has experienced a total overhaul (mowing, trimming, weeding, pruning, and all other landscape related verbs). The carpet has been vacuumed on a regular basis, the kitchen floor has been scrubbed, the laundry has somehow folded itself and landed nicely in my dresser drawers, and I have had a delicious hot dinner waiting for me EVERY night of his break from the working world.

Now I know several of you are questioning the amount of nagging this man had to have endured to ensure these tasks were completed, and I would like to answer those suspicions.

NONE.
ZILCH.
ZERO.

I never once asked him to complete any of the above.
(I did, however, request that the Christmas lights finally be removed from the exterior of our home as it was beginning to look like this Mexican celebrated Navidad every season of the year)

As if these tasks weren't evidence enough of his transition into Mr. Stewart, Officer Bob caused a minor stroke in his young fiance last night on our evening walk (that's right....we go on evening walks now like a real couple!) Officer Bob OFFERED - was not coaxed, nagged, or tricked - to BABYSIT a real life human baby BY HIMSELF on Saturday morning at OUR HOUSE. Now keep in mind the mother of this child will be within walking distance and the total length of said babysitting will last no longer than approx 1.5 hours. As noted before, baby fever has been in high alert at Casa de Bob due to adorable little nieces and little does he know, but Officer Bob's willingness to care for a 3 1/2 month old child in his own home has escalated the situation to a borderline DEFCON 4.

To Officer Bob:
I truly have enjoyed all this quality time with you over the past few weeks. I realize that this crazy domestic man that has taken over your body will soon be leaving. However, know that I will NOT forget the joy he brought me and the stress he relieved during his short stay. I am sure you are ready to get back to protecting the community and ensuring the safety of your fellow man (*cough* playing euchre and watching youtube videos *cough*). I appreciate your service and understand they need you too.

Your loving soon-to-be wife,
Big Boca Bob

P.S. I love you.

Beach Babies

Beach Baby

Beach Baby

 There on the sand.......

From July

til' the end of September

Note to Mama B and CareBear:
Keep the photos coming! I seriously cannot get enough of your adorable children in their summer wear. However.......the photos become slightly depressing when I realize I will be sporting the same beach body as my nieces this summer. Somehow the chub on my body is not nearly as cute as little baby rolls. Make sure my name is on the invite list to all events involving babies in swimwear during the months of June through September. Please and thank you.

Furthermore, due to your uncanny ability to create amazingly well-behaved beautiful children, baby fever (no pun intended) is in full bloom at Casa de Bob. Officer Bob is less than amused at my requests for serious conversation regarding the timeline of my child bearing years. I suppose I better get through this wedding thing first.

Who is going to have the cutest flower girls this side of the Rio Grande?

This girl!

How Could 24 Years Just Up And Walk Away?

She was in the backyard, say it was a little past nine

When her prince pulled up........a big pickup truck

Her folks should of seen it comin'. It was only just a matter of time
Plenty old enough............and you can't stop love.

Now her daddy's on his Harley just scratchin' and a rackin' his brains

How could 24 years just up and walk away?

Our little pony-tail girl growed up to be a woman

Now she's gone in the blink of an eye

She left her childhood behind and is ready to walk down the aisle

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, LLAMA!

I have seen you grow as a woman over these past couple of years,

and I am beyond proud that I will get to call you my sister someday soon.

Your personality lights up a room,

and come September 15th - you will finally have your moment in the spotlight!

It may have been a long journey,

but in year 24 you have truly found your happiness.

It may be hard to imagine,

but I wish you a 25th year of life as fabulous as the 24th.

Cultural Diversity Education

It has come to my attention in discussing Hispanic traditions during wedding planning that Officer Bob is in dire need of some cultural diversity education.

(All the Spanish he knows, he learned from Dora the Explorer - seriously.)

An impromptu lesson took place in a recent car ride.

Lesson 1: Translate Lyrics from Traditional Mexican Music



Remind me next time that Titty Baby is NOT invited to educational sessions.

His translation is slightly skewed and slightly racist.

In other words, I don't approve of the influence Officer Bob's brother-in-law has on his perception of the Mexican culture.

Stay Tuned for Lesson 2: How to Harvest Jalepenos.

P.S. That is not poor audio quality in the video. It is the embarrassing sound of Officer Bob's "system." This is what I put up with on a daily basis. Anyone looking for an obnoxiously loud speaker system, feel free to let me know. Officer Bob could not place blame on his innocent fiance as long as we can make it's disappearance look like an accident.

I Am Not An Athlete

Friends, relatives, and
acquaintances that think you know me better than you really do:

My answer is NO

No.
I do not want to spend my summer weekends sweating my ass off.

No.
I do not want to spend countless hours training for meaningless athletic events.

No.
I do not want to have to invest in super expensive jug-jiggling reduction sports bras.

No.
I will not join you for a 10 mile "fun" run.
I don't even know what that means. Is there beer involved?

No.
I do not spend my free time researching summer community road races.

Yes. I finished a marathon.
Once.
It was a bucket list item.
A time in my life of mental breakdown.
I blacked out.
I do not remember that person.

I AM NOT AN ATHLETE!

SO STOP ASKING ME TO FILL MY SUMMER WEEKENDS
(which would otherwise be spent laying in a lounge chair, tanning, sipping on a Margarita, Corona, glass of Sangria, or any other kind of stereotypical Mexican alcoholic beverage)
WITH YOUR NONSENSE EVENTS REQUIRING ME TO RUN, JUMP, SWIM, BIKE, OR EVEN WALK REALLY REALLY FAST.

IN CONCLUSION: I am officially signed up for 6 summer road/trail races and the number keeps growing in size. What is wrong with me? Why do I torture my body with shortness of breath, chest pain, skin chafing, and the inability to squat down on a toilet for a good 3 days straight? People ask me if I think it's fun. The answer is no. I really don't enjoy it. There is some odd phenomenon that keeps pointing my mouse to that little "REGISTER" button. My weekends of summer laziness are disappearing one click at a time.

If I asked you to participate in some ridiculous run/obstacle course with me this spring/summer, I apologize. Like I said before....I am prone to blackouts. The lack of a filter between my brain and mouth has been creating problems in my life for years. This is no exception. However, know that for some really strange reason, I am secretly excited about Sweatapalooza: Summer 2012. To all those who have recently clicked on that "registration" button of doom under my guidance, THANK YOU for your lack of will power and your inability to tell me no. We will make it through, one blister at a time.

And to all those still texting/calling/e-mailing requests to participate in anything that will require apparel in the form of tennis shoes and/or a super expensive jug-jiggling reduction sports bra:

MY ANSWER IS NO.
Maybe.

If you want to join the kinda-sorta-not-so-much fun, check out these events!

CREIDE 5K - ONLY FOOLS RUN AT MIDNIGHT

CINCO DE MILER

FAT ASS 5K

PAIR UP FOR HEALTH

WARRIOR DASH

RAIDER CLASSIC

DIRTY GIRL RUN

URBANATHLON

My Soulmate

On the way home from a long physically demanding day at work, I call Officer Bob for some love and support:

Big Boca Bob: "On a scale of 1-10, how much do you miss me right now?"

(Don't judge. I didn't have the energy for a compelling story telling chat.)

Officer Bob: "Honestly?"

Big Boca Bob (fearing what the truth might be): "Sure. Be honest."

Officer Bob: "Honestly.....a 2"

Big Boca Bob: "A TWO?! Are you flipping kidding me?! A TWO?! As in, like, one more than ONE?! I feel that since we're engaged to be married and will be spending the rest of our lives together, I should at least get a courtesy four!! Seriously......A TWO?!!

Officer Bob: "You aren't going to change my mind on this one. My honest answer is a firm two. I mean....you're on your way home. I just talked to you this morning. Get over yourself."

Big Boca Bob: "But really, A TWO?!"

The line goes dead.

End conversation.

Thought process continues........

A mother flippin two?!

Next time, spare the honesty Officer Bob. Let's go back to that time when you just tell me what you think I want to hear. Then it would at least be a four....right?

Beans Finds Her Voice

Let's take a look at the women that proceed this talkative little chicana:

1. Mama B
2. Naked Nana
3. Mama Dirt
4. Big Boca Bob
5. Dancing Queen

Is it really any surprise that Baby Beans can hold a full conversation at the age of 10 weeks?

I think not.

Sorry, Huracan, but for your little offspring, blabbering is somewhat second nature.

Don't act like you didn't know what you were getting yourself into.

P.S. Is Beans not like the cutest baby you've ever seen? I mean really.......

Heart = Melting!