I Am Not An Athlete

Friends, relatives, and
acquaintances that think you know me better than you really do:

My answer is NO

No.
I do not want to spend my summer weekends sweating my ass off.

No.
I do not want to spend countless hours training for meaningless athletic events.

No.
I do not want to have to invest in super expensive jug-jiggling reduction sports bras.

No.
I will not join you for a 10 mile "fun" run.
I don't even know what that means. Is there beer involved?

No.
I do not spend my free time researching summer community road races.

Yes. I finished a marathon.
Once.
It was a bucket list item.
A time in my life of mental breakdown.
I blacked out.
I do not remember that person.

I AM NOT AN ATHLETE!

SO STOP ASKING ME TO FILL MY SUMMER WEEKENDS
(which would otherwise be spent laying in a lounge chair, tanning, sipping on a Margarita, Corona, glass of Sangria, or any other kind of stereotypical Mexican alcoholic beverage)
WITH YOUR NONSENSE EVENTS REQUIRING ME TO RUN, JUMP, SWIM, BIKE, OR EVEN WALK REALLY REALLY FAST.

IN CONCLUSION: I am officially signed up for 6 summer road/trail races and the number keeps growing in size. What is wrong with me? Why do I torture my body with shortness of breath, chest pain, skin chafing, and the inability to squat down on a toilet for a good 3 days straight? People ask me if I think it's fun. The answer is no. I really don't enjoy it. There is some odd phenomenon that keeps pointing my mouse to that little "REGISTER" button. My weekends of summer laziness are disappearing one click at a time.

If I asked you to participate in some ridiculous run/obstacle course with me this spring/summer, I apologize. Like I said before....I am prone to blackouts. The lack of a filter between my brain and mouth has been creating problems in my life for years. This is no exception. However, know that for some really strange reason, I am secretly excited about Sweatapalooza: Summer 2012. To all those who have recently clicked on that "registration" button of doom under my guidance, THANK YOU for your lack of will power and your inability to tell me no. We will make it through, one blister at a time.

And to all those still texting/calling/e-mailing requests to participate in anything that will require apparel in the form of tennis shoes and/or a super expensive jug-jiggling reduction sports bra:

MY ANSWER IS NO.
Maybe.

If you want to join the kinda-sorta-not-so-much fun, check out these events!

CREIDE 5K - ONLY FOOLS RUN AT MIDNIGHT

CINCO DE MILER

FAT ASS 5K

PAIR UP FOR HEALTH

WARRIOR DASH

RAIDER CLASSIC

DIRTY GIRL RUN

URBANATHLON