You Are Who You Are

You are the Dog to my Beth

• (Minus the monochromatic attire, mullet, and prison time)
• (Also minus the triple F bra size.....I may be well endowed, but my half marathon training would be ten times harder trying to jog with those lady humps hanging off my front)
• You are my protector. My shield of strength. My go-to-guy when I need to kick some a**

You are The Situation to my Jersey Shore House

• (Minus the six-pack abs, lack of respect for women, and horrible accent)
• You are my entertainer. Life is never boring with you around.

You are the Richard Gere to my Julia Roberts

• (Minus my ability to fit into a slinky dress and thigh-high boots and your status as a millionaire)
• (Oh......and minus that whole prostitution thing)
• You are charming. You are not-so-romantic, but you still know how to win a girl over. You try to make me classier......good luck! 

You are the Edward to my Bella

• (Minus the blood-sucking and skin glowing in the sun thing)
• You are quiet and mysterious at times. You are determined and very stubborn. You are very protective over me and put my welfare before anything else.

You are the Captain Von Trapp to my Maria

• (Minus my work in a convent-YEAH RIGHT! and seven kids - DOUBLE YEAH RIGHT!)
• You like to have order. You can be short at times, but with this charming way about you. You have a tough, quiet exterior, but melt my heart in the way you take care of others.

You are the Patrick Swayze to my Jennifer Grey

• (INCLUDING the physique, but minus the fact that I could never spend an ENTIRE summer with my family at a holiday camp)
• You've got moves. You can kill the dance floor (with the perculator). Our roles may have been switched. I was more the teacher and you more-so the student. However, you take control in every situation. Nobody puts me in the corner when you're around.

You are the Aladdin to my Jasmine

• (Minus the beggar/street urchin role and my being FORCED to live in a palace. And the pet tiger - though Gilbert comes close in size. Also minus the genie - if anyone knows where I can get one, let me know.)
• You sure are a "diamond in the rough" Even though you don't hold the title, you are my prince. Every day is a journey with you on our own magic carpet.

You are the Ricky to my Lucy

• (Minus the Spanish-speaking, tan complection, and "I'm Home" announcement every time you enter the front door)
• You put up with my naive and ambitious personality and my overactive imagination. I may get whiny at times, but you seem to love me anyway.

You are the Chumlee to my Pawn Shop

• (Minus the long hair, goatee, and inability to fully comprehend the worth of everyday items)
• You have a heart of gold and entertaining personality. People love you. I mean like EVERYBODY loves you. You sometimes can become the butt of my jokes, but you take it all in stride.

You are the Peter Parker to my Mary Jane

• (Minus the radioactive spider and ability to scale walls)
• You truly are a superhero and role model.  You have an amazing work ethic. You always put others before you and would do anything for those closest to you.

You are the Will to my Grace

• (Minus your affection for individuals of the same sex - I hope.........)
• You are my best friend. You know all my secrets. We talk about everything, and you are tied with Mama Dirt for the first person I call when I've had a bad day and just need to vent.

You are the Ray Romano to my Debra Barone

• (Minus the sit-com script and extremely over-bearing parents)
• You are funny. I mean really funny. You make me laugh every day. I look forward to the moment you come home after I've had a long day only because I know your quick wit will turn my day around.

You are the Finn Hudson to my Rachel Berry

• (Minus the high school drama but INCLUDING the spontaneous bursts into song)
• You are the jock and I'm the music nerd. You have the kindest heart always looking out for everyone's best interest. We are a rockin' couple and though your serenades may be a little off-key, I wouldn't dare turn one down.

You are the Officer Bob to my Big Boca Bob.

• And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Feliz Cumpleanos Officer Bob!

I would have hired a hot, sexy, vivacious woman to jump out of your cake.........
but I didn't want to get any frosting in my hair.

I Hate Vicadin

I have not died........

It was touch and go there for awhile, but I promise I am still kickin.

Now that I am able to once again sit up without screaming in pain (embarassing story to be told in a future post), the boys and I have geared up for the big game ahead!

GO PACK GO!!

Warning: Do NOT consume 6 pills (consisting of pain meds, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories at the same time) My iron stomach is apparently capable of downing tequila shots by the gallon, but give me a vicadin, and Im hugging the porcelain throne. Vomiting with a sprained back is NOT ok. There is no pain comparable.

PLEASE let the Packers win today to make up for the fact that I'm currently walking like a 90 year old woman.

I Should Really Invest In Bunk Beds

Just your average Sunday evening at Casa de Bob............

Where am I you ask?

Attempting to coax the the four-legged family members off the bed using basted biscuits.

Too bad Officer Bob was the only one to fall for my trick.

Turns out "basted biscuits" sounds alot like "tasty Triscuits"

Lesson learned.

Just kick the dogs.

P.S. Please disregard the mismatched bedding. Reggie relieved himself (in the liquid form) on the comforter, and this one was stolen from the guest bedroom. I'm no Martha Stewart, but my lack of a keen eye for interior decorating does recognize that something doesn't quite belong here.

Happy New Year (a little late)

I would like to say that my lack of blogging lately has been due to time spent cleaning the house, training for the half marathon (coming up sooner than I would like), or utilizing all my new cooking supplies courtesy of Mama Dirt. However, I regret to inform you that I have been lazy. Not just lack of energy, sorry Gilbert we can't go for a walk today lazy. I'm talking like lay in bed after coming home because my back aches, my feet hurt, and I have a pounding headache lazy. So......I am SNAPPING MYSELF OUT OF THIS FUNK!! This week has been devoted to training runs, healthy eating, and stress management and relaxation techniques. I am happy to report that days 1-2 have been uber successful. Please hold the applause.......Reggie shit in the house this morning and my stress management skills are still a little under developed. I do believe, though, that with a little time and lots of practice, I am on my way to starting each day with more pep in my step.

I would now like to segue into my New Year's blog meant to be posted approximately five days ago. Father time is sprinting these days. Doesn't he know I'm more of an endurance girl?

My transition from 2010 to 2011 was somewhat uneventful, but incredibly entertaining nonetheless.  El Aguila made the trip to Casa de Bob with his girlfriend (yet to be nicknamed) to ring in the new year with his favorite older sister. Sign #364 that I am aging - I call my underage, younger brother and his girlfriend to hang out with me on New Year's Eve.

Aren't they quite the attractive couple?

Theme of the night?

Games.

Fun Games.

While Officer Bob was still protecting the county from drug addicts and prostitutes, El Aguila, his girlfriend, and I started the evening with a fun round of Win, Lose, or Draw. I think it is safe to say that we ALL lack the artistic gene. It didn't help that the game was invented circa 1977 and my fancy TV could barely handle the state-of-the-art graphics. I don't really think there was a winner of this game. We all lose. Note the picture below.......three guesses as to what it is. And I am 99.9% sure that no one will guess correctly. Sorry yet-to-be-nicknamed girlfriend, but you are not the next Da Vinci.

Following Win, Lose, or Draw was a one-woman show on Wii Fit. El Aguila and I are very competitive siblings, and I would like to use this blog as my platform to gloat. I dominated EVERY game on Wii Fit setting new records and high scores. El Aguila sulked in his inferiority. Sorry, man, but yous gots to train fo' next year, bro!!  I not only served as Queen of the Wii, but I also took my role as videographer very seriously. Say hello to the hula hoop! (Which though not documented, I totally dominated. These Mexican hips FINALLY come in handy for something!)

By this time, Officer Bob arrived home from work and we rang in the new year with kisses and bubbly (minus the kisses). Officer Bob would not give in to my multiple requests.

12:01 hit and it was officially time to start the Zumba party! Thanks to CareBear I have become hooked on this game. Titty Baby and CareBear recently had us over for a Zumba party, and it was like giving David Hasselhoff his first beer. I was attached! As a result, I immediately drove to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase my own copy. For those of you who are unaware of the Zumba fitness phenomenon, I will not enlighten you with words. Instead I give you actual footage................

The topper on the night was Officer Bob agreeing to play as well. Keep in mind that the game does not involve running in place. This is just Officer Bob's interpretation of dance steps. See what I have to work with?

Eventually he got groovin' a little more, but I was only able to capture a still of his magic feet in action.

I know there is also secret footage of the one and only Titty Baby shakin' it in the name of Zumba, and as soon as I can get my hands on that video, you will have entertainment that could last a lifetime.

All in all......a fabulous time spent with fabulous people.

Happy New Year Blog Readers!

Here's to a happy, healthy, and one helluva 2011!

I Blame Our Parents

After this past weekend, I have noticed a large disregard for public decency stemming from both the immediate and extended Casa de Bob family.

Now I will have you know that a single incident did not lead me to this conclusion. There has been somewhat of an ongoing trend that yields this observation.

Let's start with........

"EXHIBIT A"

Day: Saturday (a few weeks ago)

Time: 8:00 am

Place: Casa de Bob

Description of Incident: The dogs have recently been on a very consistent potty schedule. I will have to admit that one of the ONLY pros to Officer Bob working 2nd shift is that the boys are let out to do their business around 1:00am allowing me to sleep in till at least 7:00 before they need to be let out again. It is safe to say that Officer Bob isn't exactly a morning person. "Most" of the time, you will see me bright and early out in the yard with the boys encouraging them to finish their deed (aka screaming, yelling, and doing everything but squeezing the crap out of them because it is too damn cold). I would also like to take this time to announce Reggie's new title as "Turd Burglar" The poor dog finds pleasure in taking a dump and hiding the evidence (in his mouth) GROSS! Any tips on ridding this problem are appreciated. BUT back to the topic at hand. The boys are still unable to distinguish the difference between the weekdays and the weekends. Keep in mind that my weekends are the ONLY time I get to sleep in. So.....when the dogs wake up early, I don't. I either A. consciously ignore the tugs at the bedspread, pretend I am asleep, and wait for Officer Bob to respond to their needs or B. fall so deeply into a stage of sleep that I am completely unresponsive.  On this particular day, I chose A. and Officer Bob was forced from his slumber to let the boys out. Now.....wouldn't you believe it, but as he was walking the dogs to the backdoor, my bladder called out to me, and I arose from my "fake sleep" to relieve it. After taking care of my own needs, I meandered to the back door to see how the boys were doing. When what to my wandering eyes should appear?

But a grown man in his underwear,
standing in the snow,
wearing my pink boots,
untangling Gilbert's chain from a tree.

I shook my head in embarrassment, but chose not to respond to my freakishly pale boyfriend's poor decision.

"EXHIBIT B"

 Day: Every December 25th since the day I was born

Time: Somewhere between 6:00 and 10:00am (depending on how long it takes us to wake up Osama Bin Father on Christmas morning)

Place: Mama Dirt and Osama Bin Father's

Description of Incident(s): Every Christmas, it is a Mama Dirt tradition for each child to pose with gifts from their stocking. Not just any gift........the underwear. And not just any pose.......the underwear on the head. I have 20 years of Christmas memories depicted through a variety of colors and definitely sizes of undergarments positioned appropriately over my dome. I will have to note that Officer Bob took to this tradition like Lindsay Lohan to rehab. It has become second nature, and he no longer even needs a reminder. I fear that these pictures will somehow surface at the most inopportune time, but for now they are hidden away in the dark depths of the Mama Dirt garage.

"EXHIBIT C"

Day: December 25th, 2010

Time: Approximately 10:00 am

Place: Casa de Daisy Duke and Grand Puba

Description of Incident: Officer Bob and I had prepared for the Christmas day festivities and headed over to Daisy Duke and Grand Puba's for our first family Christmas. However, upon entering the household, there seemed to be something quite peculiar about the the festive tree and stockings. It seemed as though the snowman decoration located near the stockings was wearing an extra garment. A garment children rarely add when decorating Frosty. This snowman was wearing a bra. A very cute bra, indeed. Apparently, Daisy Duke had requested this cute bra from Santa this year, and he rewarded her because she has proven to be such a good girl during the course of 2010. However, Daisy Duke's new gift would not fit in her stocking like planned so it was positioned over the snowman's lack of female anatomy.

"EXHIBIT D"

Day: December 25th, 2010

Time: Approximately 2:30 pm

Place: Mama Dirt and Osama Bin Father's humble abode

Description of Incident: After Officer Bob and I's somewhat late arrival (imagine that....haha) in E-wood, the stockings and presents were opened, Christmas hugs were given, and it was time for the Big Boca Bob side of the family to head to Grandma and Grandpa's for Christmas dinner. Make note of the time. Huracan, El Aguila, and Dancing Queen had still not changed clothes, brushed teeth, or combed hair. During the transition of yesterday's outfit to the Christmas day outfit, El Aguila was stepping into his very festive new boxers when these words were uttered from the mouth of Mama Dirt. "I dare you to run around outside in your underwear" Without skipping a beat, El Aguila replied "With no shoes or socks?". To which Mama Dirt replied, "Yes." Not but two seconds later, El Aguila was out the door wearing nothing but his Christmas skivvies. Fortunately for us, El Aguila's Mexican genes have created a somewhat "browner" complexion than that of Officer Bob and we did not go blind from the reflection off the snow. However, unfortunately for El Aguila, both Huracan and Officer Bob were positioned around the house preventing El Aguila from returning to the warmth of the less embarrassing indoors. The neighbors enjoyed the show as three grown men, one less clothed than the others, ran around the yard as the one less clothed screamed in pain from the cold. Officer Bob and Huracan relented when the cars passing by started to honk.

When friends begin to question my actions, please take note of this post. It is not my fault I am the way I am. I was bred this way. The genes have been passed down, and frankly, I can do nothing but embrace my genetic code. Unfortunately, Officer Bob has also received the embarrassing genome, and we have now found each other. It is possible for codes to skip a generation, but I fear that my children someday are royally screwed. I apologize in advance to my unborn children.

Sorry Its Not Wrapped

The diversity embracing members of the Casa de Bob family would like to wish all their family and friends a VERY Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and all that jazz. It truly is the time of year to thank the Lord for all His blessings and make sure to express gratitude and love to those closest to you.  Oh.....and also find it in your hearts to forgive Snooki for allowing the "poof" to be deemed as a completely reasonable hairstyle.

Since it is the time for giving, I have thought long and hard about what to get you, my faithful blog readers, for Christmas this year. Now keep in mind I'm no Oprah! There will be no cars, computers, useless gadgets, or inspirational books given away from this girl. Instead, I truly believe I have found the most perfect gift to share with you.

You may find this shocking, but Officer Bob has a hidden talent.  A talent that I have only recently been allowed to witness. And this year, he is allowing me to share this talent with you as a VERY special gift.

You are all the first to see an Officer Bob original piece of artwork.  He has dabbled in the form of marker and pencil, but I am releasing a never before seen crayon original. Please do not attempt to copy this piece of artwork. It has been secured under copyright law. However, if you are as impressed as I was, you may contact me for inquiries regarding pricing.

AND NOW.........

AS A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU ALL.............

THE UNVEILING OF AN OFFICER BOB ORIGINAL................

I GIVE YOU...................

"HEROES IN A HALF SHELL"

 
I would like you to note the abstract creativity in the lack of hands and feet, and the creative expression in giving the red-masked Raphael a third arm. Let it also be known that Officer Bob does not just leave a measly signature at the bottom of his masterpiece. Instead, he offers a beautiful photographic portrait of his adorable mug.
 
Share this with family and friends as once 2011 hits, this Officer Bob original is headed straight back to the Casa de Bob vault.
 

May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,

The gladness of Christmas give you hope,

And the warmth of Christmas grant you love.

8 Reasons Why I Am NOT a Grinch!

I have noticed recently that many of my posts have unintentionally (minus the UN) made me appear a bit Scrooge-ish. Hatred for the Illinois winter weather or not......I actually do know how to get into the holiday spirit. Mother Nature can't bring me down!

1.  After "some" convincing from my snow-loving boyfriend, I ventured out into the white winter dust to play with the pups. I will admit that I am sure Gilbert and Reggie loved this experience much more than I. But I will also admit that I had a little bit of fun myself! (For about the first 15 minutes until I could no longer feel my toes.) Note: I inherited the eff-you-cold-weather trait from Osama Bin Father. Bundle up, Pops! It's gonna be a LONG winter!

 2. The stockings were hung by the window (due to a lack of chimney) with care. Note: these stockings were purchased from the clearance bin at the Dollar Tree. Let's not go crazy here.

 3. The "donated from the grandparents" pre-lit christmas tree was plugged in. Note: there is a large stripe through the center of the tree that is not lit because I have about 10 million other things higher on the priority list than checking every flippin bulb to determine which one is out. Besides......I think the light-less belt makes the tree look thinner. Maybe I should decorate myself in strands of white lights and see if the same trick works for me!

 4. I have the Mama Dirt homemade wreath proudly displayed in my living room. Kudos to Mama Dirt for her wreath-making skillz. You go girl! That is one helluva bow!

5. I made the largest, most awkward, not-so-artistic clay pawprint ornaments with the boys. Let's hope the "christmas crafting skill" develops a bit more before motherhood. Note: another Dollar Tree clearance special!

 6. The Feliz Navidad singing chihuahua is displayed proudly on the piano. Note: Reggie either does not like A. fake, stuffed chihuahuas or B. Mexican music. Let's hope for A cuz if it's the latter he's gonna be screwed come Cinco de Mayo.

 7. The collection of Christmas cards has officially started and the display is started on the laundry room doors. Note: It REALLY weirds me out that I am starting to get Christmas cards from friends with pictures of their real human KIDS.  Kelly.....I'm talking to you and your 5-year-old-looking daughter. Can you please slow down the maturing process in that child?!

8. Apparently I have made an impression on someone who felt the need to create the following video to remind me that Santa is ALWAYS watching. By the way......will the creator of this video please fess up because I will lose sleep trying to figure it out and we all know how I need my beauty sleep. YIKES!

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/EqdEimzTs0fNcaxeCcMn4Q

Proof My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours

Friday was a rough day.
Long day at work.

Even longer drive home. (Thank you, Mother Nature)

HOWEVER.........

After arriving home, I find the following:

• Dishes washed, dried, and put away.
• Three loads of laundry washed, dried, folded, hung up, and put away.
• Family room and living room swept and dusted.
• Kitchen and dining room swept AND mopped.
• Couch vacuumed and cleaned.
• Dinner marinating.
• Dogs walked.
• Driveway and sidewalks shoveled.

Officer Bob sure knows how to turn my day around.

His day off was spent making my day better.

In case I don't say it enough.......

Thank you, Officer Bob.

I don't know how I got so lucky!

Just Another Reason.........

I ABSOLUTELY, POSTIVELY, NO DOUBT IN MY MIND............

HATE COLD BLEEPIN' WEATHER!!!!!!

Let's take a look at the following equation:

Moisture in the Air + Freezing Temperatures = Snow

Snow + Driveway = Slippery

Slippery + Car = BROKEN GARAGE DOOR

There I was like a slow motion movie:
Foot on brake to the floor,
hands waving,
curse words being shouted,
"STOP, you effing car!

And then.......car meets garage door.

A BIG thank you to Titty Baby and Grand Puba for being my knights in shining armor (or should I say shining leather and camo). It's a good thing I have cable and Kahlua on hand just for times like this. An hour in freezing temperatures fighting with the unresponsive, cold, poor excuse for a garage door was apparently forgotten once I was able to provide - 2 glasses of Kahlua and cream and 1 super-fantastic-amazing-holy cow-what the hell happened season finale of Sons of Anarchy!

Remind me to make sure to pay the cable bill and stock up on liquor in case it decides to snow again.

A Casa de Bob Thanksgiving Adventure

DAY 1

Thursday, November 25th 2010 (Thanksgiving Day)
Start Time - 8:30am

The alarm buzzed (actually sang - I wake up every morning to the voice of Marc Cohn - *sigh*) , and I jumped from my bed in anticipation of consuming the most delicious meal of 2010. I drooled at the thought of delectable green been casserole and creamy, thick, mashed potatoes. And then.......reality set in. For today, I have decided to take BOTH Gilbert and Reggie on a road trip to Great Grandma and Grandpa's house. That would be one human (me), one puppy (Reggie), and one horse (Gilbert) all in my small, but sporty Dodge Avenger for exactly 1 1/2 hours without stopping for a potty break or a vomit break as Gilbert has been cursed with an unfortunate case of doggy car sickness.

After preparing myself for the day, I attempted to wake Officer Bob from his sleep coma not once, not twice, not thrice, but FOUR TIMES!!!! I begged and pleaded with him to help me prepare the kids for the car ride. A crate needed to be torn down and loaded, food prepared and packed, favorite toys, blankies, and bones stuffed in the diaper bag, and he REFUSED to move from the warmth of the comforter. I really do hope this isn't a sign for the future.

Officer Bob conveniently woke up in enough time to kiss his girlfriend and children goodbye, and we headed out the door. Reggie was a great front seat passenger............

for all of 30 seconds before deciding jumping back and forth from the driver's lap to the window was incredibly entertaining. (NOT for the driver!)

Gilbert, trying to refrain from tossing his cookies all over my backseat, responded by offering dirty looks at his younger brother's behavior.

Eventually the two settled down, and I was able to drive peacefully for the last five minutes of the road trip.


Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for serving as fabulous Thanksgiving hosts. Dinner (and dessert) was delicious! At this time, I would also like to thank God for the many gifts he has blessed me with over the course of 2010. I couldn't ask for a better support system in my grandparents, parents, and especially siblings. I wouldn't trade you for the world.

Following the meal, it was time for the annual tradition of Family Game Time. Games chosen for 2010 included Cash Cab and Quelf. I'll make this quick.......

Osama Bin Father played Cash Cab. The King Of Useless Trivia won twice and the rest of us sulked in our less than mediocre intelligence compared to this genius of a man.

Quelf - a game we have played in the past, but incredibly entertaining none-the-less. The game included:

Chicken Dancing

Lots of Confusion

And the stripping of the dignity of a young girl forced into this family tradition by her boyfriend of maybe 3 weeks tops?! She was a great sport and I truly hope we didn't scare her away. By the way......you have the best 10-second touchdown dance while holding a plant I have ever seen!

The car ride home was much less eventful as the boys and I were both pooped from the days excitement.

After arriving home, the tryptophan kicked in, and the boys and I called it an early night!

End Time - 9:30pm

DAY 2

Friday, November 26th 2010
Start Time - 7:00am

We'll call this "The Day that Officer Bob Has Been Complaining About for Two Weeks Straight"

In an effort to successfully complete my goals of healthy living for not only myself, but also my ever-so-loving boyfriend, I signed us up for the Trot for Tots run to take place prior to one of the longest-running Santa Claus parades in the nation. Enter whining......LOTS of whining.

Also in an effort to force others to undergo the same torture, I also recruited the efforts of El Aguila and one of Officer Bob's fellow officers, Goldsmith.

It is important to note that El Aguila is a runner.....
a fast runner....
a runner of long distances....
a runner currently training for a super fast marathon.......
a runner that thinking back, I'm not really sure why I invited because he makes us all look like overweight snails trudging slowly towards an invisible finish line.

ANYWAY......Mama Dirt and the new girlfriend previously mentioned met us at the starting line to serve as race spectators/fan club.

At start time, I believe the temperature outside was approximately 28 degrees......Fahrenheit.......as in below freezing. Enter MORE whining from Officer Bob.

Good thing I had made a quick Wal-Mart run to make sure Officer Bob would be extra cozy during the most uncomfortable 20 minutes of his life.

It is also important to note that El Aguila is one of THOSE runners.

You know.....the runners that no matter what the temperature is, they have to be dressed for success in a sleeveless singlet and shorts. Yup! That's him! (dumbass)

The starter yelled "GO!" and we were off. The first quarter mile was extra rough as I was consuming the dust from El Aguila's sprinting start. Once I was in my zone, I found a comfortable pace, and remained there for the entire course. People dressed in red and green lined the streets clapping for the runners all the while commenting on the stupidity of individuals racing in 28 degree weather. Thank you, spectators. You truly made me feel foolish and duncical.

Congrats to El Aguila on your second-place medal winning finish, blah, blah, blah.
You are so fast. I bow down to you and your athletic prowess, yada, yada, yada.

Next to cross the finish line......Big Boca Bob!
And I must say, my olympic-like, high-fiving, show-stopping finish was the highlight of the race!

Then comes.....Officer Bob.
Now tell me this doesn't look like a face that LOVES to run!

And finally, a BIG CONGRATS to Officer Goldsmith for completely your very first road run!
Awesome job!

After reviving Officer Bob from his post-race near-death experience,

and hooking him up to the portable oxygen tank,

we rehydrated, posed with the mascot of the race, and finished watching the parade.

Overall - A fabulously entertaining Thanksgiving adventure!

P.S. Officer Bob....from now on, I promise to ask your permission before signing you up for another *run*. Your face of disapproval is giving me nightmares.

Thanks for being a trooper. You did great, beat your goal time, and I am SO proud of you!

The Big 5-0!

How to tell your aging.......

• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• Your friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You laugh, pee, sneeze, and fart all at the same time.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• "Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• Your kids call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
• Your husband says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
• You don't care where Grand Puba goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Feliz Cumpleanos, Daisy Duke!

You did a hell of a job with the first 50 years!
Now here's to another half a century of happiness!

(Let's just hope that hammock holds up!)

It's Official......He's The One

I called Officer Bob at work on Sunday evening via the "Jail Phone" with a dire emergency that just could not wait! It is important to note that contrary to popular belief (aka MY belief) conversations held on the "Jail Phone" are NOT recorded. Thank Goodness!

Below is a transcript of the exact conversation:

Big Boca Bob: Can I speak to Officer Bob, please?

Random Officer #1: Just a second.......

Officer Bob: Hello? (slightly annoyed that I am calling his work yet again)

Big Boca Bob: Hey! I have a quick question for you.

Officer Bob: What?

Big Boca Bob: How much do you love me?

Officer Bob: Alot. (really annoyed that I called  his work yet again)

Big Boca Bob: Is that enough to stop by the store after work and pick up tampons?

Officer Bob: NO!

Big Boca Bob: Really? Ok....(in a really disappointed, sad, on-the-verge-of-tears voice)

Officer Bob: UGH! FINE! But have you ever been down that aisle? Do you know how many stupid kinds of those things there are?

Big Boca Bob: Have I ever told you that I love you?

Officer Bob: WHATEVER! Text me exactly what you need.

Big Boca Bob: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! You're the best!

Officer Bob: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. But just know that if I have to walk around with those in the cart, I am buying myself some kind of really expensive, manly tool to make up for it.

Big Boca Bob: You are a tool.

END CONVERSATION

One hour later, Officer Bob arrives with my emergency equipment AND some orange juice because "he knows how much I love my morning OJ"

I think I got myself a keeper.

Did You Realize, Mama Dirt?...........

That you are another year older?

(By the way.....thanks for making it another year because my Sunday evening would not have been the same without my fried chicken dinner!)

Did you realize that by turning ??, you are officially older than all of the following items?

• Alaska - the state
• Barbie - the doll
• Flinstones - the cartoon
• Revolution - the Cuban

Did you realize that during your lifetime you have had the pleasure of giving birth to and raising these four stunning beauties? (okay...maybe just three stunning beauties and one ridiculous boy-man)

Did you realize that during your lifetime, the following events have occured?

• US President John F Kennedy Shot
• Vietnam War
• First Human Heart Transplant
• First Man Walked on the Moon
• Y2K
• The Falling of the World Trade Center
• The Invention and Popularization of the Computer (which I know is still a struggle)
• The Invention and Popularization of the Debit Card (which I know is an even bigger struggle)
•  AND MANY MANY MANY (get the hint?) MORE!

Did you realize that you are a great provider for your family with both an emotional and physical strength that I can only hope I inherited?

Feliz Cumpleanos, Mama Dirt!
(a little late, but heartfelt nonetheless)

I Believe In Seasonal Affective Disorder

An ode to the changing of the season........

I call it......

COLD WEATHER BLOWS

The time for winter coats is almost here.
I cringe at the thought of it being so near.

I'll be prepared with long underwear and wooly socks
When I wake up on Sunday to set back the clocks.

Hello bitter cold and frosty night.
You make so mad, it's just not right!

As I pray for the cold to be put to a halt,
Please know my grouchy attitude is ALL YOUR FAULT!

My lips are already chapped and my skin is dry.
The decreasing temperature makes me cry.

All bundled up with a frostbitten toe,
I dread the thought of ice and shoveling snow.

I'd rather have a full year of fun
Playing outside in the warmth of the sun.

But instead you choose to come each and every year
To make me shiver and freeze my rear.

The thought of winter makes me ill.
And don't get me started on the heating bill!

And as the snot freezes in my raw, red nose,
I curse Mother Nature cuz Cold Weather Blows!

The cold does bring with it ONE good thing, I must say......
NO shaving my legs for three months! Hooray!