Livin' La Vida Loca

WARNING:

The following post is long. Very long.

It should be about 5 separate posts.

BUT

this is proof that I haven't just been sitting around on my lazy bum waiting for something fabulous or funny or completely ridiculous to happen in my life so I could write about it. My life over the past month has been fabulous, funny, and completely ridiculous, and I am just now recovering from it all.

Life Event #1

Small yet Eventful Bachelorette Party in Arizona

We were cute.

(in all the pictures early in the evening)

 But after a few pitchers of adult beverages,

all photogenic qualities went right out the window.

And apparently so did all proper decision-making skills

and abilities to differentiate between appropriate and non-appropriate

ways to act in public areas.

Exhibit A:

Big Boca Bob's extremely unneccessary

"Baby Got Back" choreography.

(although you have to admit, the piano is an exceptional prop)

Exhibit B:

Big Boca Bob's poor decision to remove her bra

and place said bra on the piano player's head.

(Sorry Mama Dirt)

Exhibit C:

Big Boca Bob's constant proclamation

that she "shared a moment" with the piano player.

(he was practically seducing me with his eyes - I swear!)

Exhibit D:

Best Friend/Bridesmaid unable to stand

straight up in elevators.

BUT still able to pull of rockstar poses

in all pictures

And concluding with Exhibit E:

Finding a rock hard kitchen floor as the

most comfortable sleeping quarters for the evening.

(even the dogs couldn't handle it)

So.......what's the best cure for an overwhelming bachelorette hangover?

A little Bailey's in your morning coffee of course!

 And a trip to Margartitaville early in the morning when the sun is shining VERY bright into your squinting eyes amplifying the pounding in your head and instigating nausea.

Followed by mimosas by the pool

(obviously)

And capped off with Bailey's milkshakes in the hot tub.

(DUH!)

Phew!

A whirlwind of a weekend

with some pretty great friends

making some pretty sweet memories.

The end.

Life Event #2

A 6.5 mile tortorous hilly race with two of my three favorite siblings.

(And one pretty cute cheerleader)

Aaron Rodgers? - check!

State Farm Agent? - check!

Discount Double Check Guy? - discount double check!

Trying running for an hour wearing a wedge of cheese on your head.

I had to have burned at least 300 extra calories just trying to keep that thing on.

Remember that cute cheerleader I mentioned?

I honestly was just about as happy to cross the finish line of this race

as I was to cross the finish line after my marathon.

Springdale Cemetary = 2.Many.Hills

 Life Event #4

Halloween.

Beans.

Oompa Loompa.

Adorbs.

The end.

Life Event #5

A fun-filled weekend sleepover with my favorite little Mexican niece.

And just like Pebbles,

Beans likes her Uncle Officer Bob better.

Heart is crushed.

Until I look at pictures like this.

 How can you not smile at that face?

Now.......

you may be asking yourself,

Where was Officer Bob while I was off enjoying life?

Two words.

Video Games.

M.A.M.A. D.I.R.T.

Though most definitions on Urban Dictionary are rude and crude, I would say the authors deserve a standing ovation for co-writing this birthday blog as they were S.P.O.T. O.N.

M.amacita
def: "the Spanish for "little mother". Rather like the English word "momma", mamacita can mean a mother of both the standard and the red hot kind."
ex: What a hottie! Que Mamacita!

A.buelita
def: "literally - Little Grandmother."
ex: My abuelita buys me awesome presents.

M.ature
def: "The ability to deal with a movie or painting in which nudity is shown (NOT porn) without laughing, feeling uncomfortable or making a dirty comment."
ex: Mama Dirt is NOT mature.

A.geless Wonder
def: "Someone who never reveals their age and never seems to celebrate a birthday. If somehow you happen upon this information and share it with others they’ll take it very offensively."
ex: Mama Dirt IS an ageless wonder.

D.ivine
def: "Angelic. Godlike. Heavenly. Divine is a caring girl with a big heart, but cross her path and you will not be forgiven easily.
ex: Ain't my mama divine?

I.ntense
def: "Like camping - or the circus! - also refers to something with a high level of intenseness."
ex: Being a mother to four annoying bratty adult children is intense.
R.adical
def: "A word used by people over the age of 30 in an attempt to sound cool, usually resulting in the opposite. Adj.- a description of an action or thing which is especially impressive."
ex: Mama Dirt is totally radical.

T.alented
def: "A woman with nice tits."
ex: My mom is more talented than your mom AND I inherited her genes.

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS, MAMA DIRT!

 

As Mamacita and Abuelita -

you are a talented, radical, intense, divine ageless wonder!

Thank you for continuing to care for your four bratty adult children.

Adios, Illinois!

A long weekend spent under the sunny skies of Arizona drinking wine with my best friend and celebrating one last time together before I become Mrs. Officer Bob?

YES PLEASE!

 

Hasta luego, bloggers!

 

The warm sun awaits me! :)

 

***Pictures/update to follow***

 



One Concussion, Two Concussion, Three Concussion, Floor

 

RUGBY!

 

I don't get it.

I need an explanation of when women started producing testosterone at a rate highly exceeding that of The Hulk?

Dancing Queen for a reason completely unknown to me (drug use? brainwashed?) has chosen to engage in by far the most ridiculous sport I have ever witnessed.

I am still having nightmares that a 300 lb. woman is charging toward me with one goal in mind - death. I am here to tell you that I will NEVER understand the rules of this sport as the majority of my time spent watching it has been spent with my eyes peering through the hands covering my face fearing for the young lives of those running recklessly around the field. I'm not sure if teams recruit based on athletic ability or based purely on lack of anger management skills.

Girls are mean. If you can even call these muscle-bound, growling, vampires - girls? It's more than possible that scenes from Dancing Queen's games could be viewed in the final segment of 'Twilight' I'm glad I left my first rugby game before the beheading started.

The last rugby game left Dancing Queen battered and bruised in the emergency room and cancellation of the game on account of the fact that there were NO more players left standing to field a team. WHAT IS THE POINT?! I am happy to announce that after several concussions, x-rays, and ER visits, there were no deaths reported.  In fact, the WIU Rugby Team will be facing a new contender next weekend. Vampires don't die unless there are missing limbs - DUH!

So I went on a quest to answer my thought-provoking question.
What is the purpose of this game?

RUGBY!

 

Now - I get it.



The National Football League

is ruining my life.

 

 

I have lost sleep over the ridiculousness of Monday night's events.

 

This isn't healthy.

 

I need a new hobby.

 

Football is breaking my heart.

 

Unfortunately, I am not patient enough for knitting and golf is completely out of the question unless we're playing for high score. Suggestions for events to fill my fall freetime are welcome.

 

I will ALWAYS remain loyal to my beloved men in Green and Gold, but I'm not so sure my nerves can handle any more mouth of a sailor, wall punching, Officer Bob aneurysm inducing games.

 

Get this shit figured out, Goodell! 

So Here's What You Missed.........

Hot Mess Wedding Planners, Inc.

presents

 "A Llama Wedding"

I'm pretty sure it was the PERFECT day for an outdoor wedding.

 

Here's how it all went down:

 

Friday

Hot Mess Wedding Planners, Inc. arrives.

"The Help" unloads the trailer as the women get to work.

Decor placed, bows tied, chalkboards written, banners hung, hot mess escalated.

 

Saturday Morning

Hot mess ensues.

Lemonade spilled on linens.

Yours truly curses heavily.

More decor completed.

Flowers delivered.

Yours truly compliments florist about a zillion times on the

INCREDIBLE fall arrangements.

Boutonnieres pinned.

Yours truly pops a couple vicadin to cure broken foot.

Kegs tapped.

Hot mess escalated.

 

 

Saturday Evening

A beautiful woman escorted by her father makes her way down the aisle
 to the sound of the Big Boca Bob and El Aguila low-budget wedding band.

Groom's mother cries.

Bride's mother (and co-owner of HMWP, Inc.) breathes a sigh of relief.

 

The Llama and her man recite their vows as family and friends

whisper about the perfection of the day.

 

 A small make-out session follows.

 

 With a roar of applause,

the couple walk hand in hand for the very first time as a Mr. & Mrs.

 

 

 The newlyweds hop on a four-wheeler adorned with deer antlers

and drive off into the sunset.

#America

 

 Mr. & Mrs. Reid relish in their new start as a married couple as their son Dooley is slightly unimpressed with the lack of attention.

 

 Saturday Night

Hot mess reaches an entire new level.

Bar opens.

Two Mexicans and a cracka serve up alcohol.

Drinks are served and dinner is consumed.

Bets are taken as to whether CareBear would allow

Pebbles to be taken from her for an entire evening.

Betting stops.

Pebbles leaves in the arms of her Aunt Mrs.

Big Boca Bob wins TWO dance-offs.

Dancing Queen, El Aguila, Huracan, and Big Boca Bob

totally show everyone up during their impromptu sibling line dance.

The Llama requires restroom assistance in her wedding dress.

Big Boca Bob volunteers for dress holding responsbility.

Big Boca Bob compliments The Llama on her choice of

super cute "Sexy Bride" underwear.

Bartenders reduce to ONE Mexican and a cracka.

(Huracan discovers his skills are more suited for the dance floor)

 

The Llama and Beau ride off together on a

big yellow school bus.

 

CONGRATS, MR. & MRS. REID.

 

Your big day could not have been more perfect.

I have no words of wisdom for your married life together seeing as how it has taken me seven years to convince someone to even consider the idea of wedded bliss. However, if your wedding day sets any precedence for the years to come, I would say you are in for a beautiful ride together.

 

Love you both.

 

P.S. Hot Mess Wedding Planners, Inc. is NOT for hire for at least 6 months. Wedding planning is no joke.

 

 

 

Bob Typhoid

My friends and co-workers are obsessed with my future name change.

At first, it was funny.

Now......

It's kinda sorta still funny.

Example 1: They have inappropriately re-written the words to Cat Scratch Fever. I must write a sincere apology letter to Ted Nugent.

Example 2: I come back to my desk to find my name written in thermometers.

Example 3: A few former classmates have started calling me 98.7. And I respond.

Example 4: They have defined a disease using my hyphenated name complete with symptoms and treatment methods.

Example 4 has resulted in a heavy debate of when it is reasonable to hyphenate a name. I have been told that I should no way no how do so as someone may honestly think I have contracted a disease upon hearing my full name. Of all the details surrounding our wedding, I honestly had not predicted that a potential hyphenated name would cause discussion. However, some extensive research (thank you, Google) has shown me that my name would not hold a candle to several other women.

After reading these super awesome wedding announcements, I am seriously debating changing my current last name to Hay, Scarlet, or possibly Rheumatic. 15 seconds of fame on the Jay Leno show might actually be worth it.

My Name Is Big Boca Bob

And it has been two weeks since my last entry.


The Llama's wedding has jumped straight to the top of my "things to do" list. There are crafts to be completed, ribbons to be tied, candy dishes to be filled, musical duets to be rehearsed and one bride-to-be to keep stress free. The last item might become the most difficult to accomplish in the coming weeks.
Twenty-seven days and counting until The Llama becomes a Mrs., and if her bachelorette festivities last night serve as a preview for the wedding events, I can assure you it will be one heck of a camo sportin', ol glory drankin', cowboy boot stompin' party. Thanks CareBear for providing a fabulous girls night out and thanks Daisy Duke for providing most of the entertainment for the evening. :)

As my hobbies as a party planner, dance recital coordinator, and wedding diva become a full-time job, Officer Bob and the boys have felt a little neglected - and they aren't afraid to show that they are utterly unimpressed with my lack of free time.

Luckily, Officer Bob has stepped up to the plate to share a little extra quality father-son bonding time with the boys.

I honestly don't know what I would do without him..................





Oh wait......nevermind..........
I would sleep in my own bed!


Please excuse my part-time demotion of blogging on my priority list. I promise to move it up the list immediately right in between folding laundry and vaccuming the carpet I'm sure is hiding under days of dog hair.

Don't give up on me yet, blog readers! The fun is just starting!

Officer Bob's Big Screen Debut